220930

220930
Bats fly when you’re having fun

At midnight tonight
My birthday month is over
Then it’s spooky time!

220927

220927
One small shit for man…

NASA shot a DART
Into an asteroid
They are really smart
They’re gainfully employed

I once shit a shart
Right past my hemorrhoid
I’m still scared to fart
I’m downright paranoid

220923

220923
If the campervan’s a rockin’…

In autumn it can get quite chilly
And camping might seem pretty silly
To keep warm at night
We snuggle real tight
And play hide and seek with my willy

220920

220920
50 first dates at 50

When you get to 50
Dating ain’t so nifty
All this endless dating
Made me end up hating
The whole dating process
So I cut my losses
Now, instead of dating
I’m home masturbating

220916

220916
A reduction in poe-ah-trees

Did you realize
There have been fewer poems?
Two days a week now

220913

220913
55 is the new 47

I’m still alive
At 55
Where will I be
At 63?
Will I be fine
At 69?
Will it be fun
At 81?
I just can’t wait
For 98!

220909

220909
The Boomtown Fats

The chocolate chips inside my mouth
Cause sugar overload
And nobody’s gonna send a text today
I’m gonna hide inside my home
And Brownie doesn’t understand it
I always eat till my belly’s swolled
And Linc can see no presents
‘Cause there are no presents
No presents for a man fully grown
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
My birthday suit don’t fit me now
Now, now, feel like a cow
Though it’s my birthday I’m feeling down right now
I’ve been eating cake for quite a while
I’ve swallowed too much and soon I’ll be learning
And the lesson today is don’t eat pie
And then the chip bag crackles and I have to tackle
Why I can’t see my feet or thighs
And I can see no presents
‘Cause there are no presents
Just candy wrappers piled up high, high, oh, oh oh!
And the chocolate chips inside my mouth
Cause sugar overload oh!
And nobody’s gonna send a text today
I’m gonna hide inside my home
And Brownie doesn’t understand it
I always eat till my belly’s swolled
And Linc can see no presents
‘Cause there are no presents
No presents for a man fully grown
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like I don’t like
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like I don’t like
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
My birthday suit don’t fit me now

220906

220906
Happy birthday today and every other day

Happy birthday
So nice to see
Happy birthday
It should be as good as can be
Oh happy birthday
Happy birthday make a wish for free
That on your birthday you will plant a money tree
Happy birthday
Have fun today
Happy birthday
I hope you just eat cake and play
Oh happy birthday
You’ll open your presents and party with glee
Oh happy birthday
I hope you sing this part with me
Every other day
Every other day
Every other day of the year is fine, yeah
But then when your birthday comes
But then when your birthday comes
You can find me rhymin’ all of the time
Happy birthday
Have fun today
Happy birthday
Don’t get carried away
Whoa, Happy birthday
Don’t go away
Happy birthday
It’s here to stay
Oh happy birthday
Oh happy birthday

220902

220902
Insincere commitments

Your commitment is insincere
You’re saying what I want to hear
But have no intention to keep
Because your promises are cheap

220831

220831
Brownie should go to El

There is no room up on the couch
So Brownie’s acting like a grouch
He won’t lay down, he will not go
His head is blocking half the show
He then proceeds to cut some farts
This smell is off the fucking charts
He’s barking now, that’s overkill
I guess I won’t Netflix and chill

220829

220829
shorturl.at/beGLM

Never say never
Gonna love you forever
Give you all my love
You fit like a glove
Up with you – it just feel right
Never say never
Gonna love you forever
Let me take you now
You gotta show me how
Down with you – every night

220826

220826
Did you make mankind after we made you?

Atheists don’t ever say grace
And “he” is always lower case
They don’t get hung up on belief
And sinning does not cause them grief
They don’t believe in virgin birth
They know that life ends here on earth
They don’t have hymns to soothe their soul
But atheists have rock and roll!

220824

220824
Must miss TV

I want to watch the TV
But Linc is very kneady
And Brownie’s sitting on me
This show is pretty crappy
And now I gotta pee pee
I’m never watching TV

220822

220822
Marathon Monday

If Mondays make you wince or cringe
You just might need a streaming binge
Try Disney+, Netflix or Prime
Watch drama, comedy or crime
There is a new Lord of the Rings
And Season 4 of Stranger Things
My bedtime was three hours ago
But new dragons on HBO!

220819

220819
She wasn’t that choosy

There once was a woman named Susie
Who everyone called the town floozy
Gross men by the score
Would party and more
Right there in her filthy jacuzzi

220817

220817
I hope I didn’t make you yawn

Alarm goes off at dawn – I yawn
I put the kettle on – I yawn
My laptop won’t logon – I yawn
I feel a bit withdrawn – I yawn
Lunch is a warm jambon – I yawn
It seems that summer’s gone – I yawn
This poem is now drawn – I yawn
Here is the denouement – I yawn

220815

220815
At least I’m not gaining

I walk a lot for exercise
And climb the stairs to work my thighs
The food I eat I used to hate
But I can’t seem to lose some weight

220812

220812
Is it in yet?

I push it in and pull it out
I see her lips begin to pout
I’m breathing hard and start to sweat
She bluntly asks, “is it in yet?”
I pull it out and push it in
I look at her, and we both grin
Our bodies heave in ecstasy
I just plugged in the USB

220810

220810
Cold pints will have to do

It’s hot this August night
To me, it’s a delight
The Irish think it’s not
To them it’s too damn hot
They’re sweating in this heat
And melting in the street
There’s nowhere they can be
The pubs don’t have AC!

220808

220808
Your neon lights will shine for you

Xanadu is closed
Olivia Newton-John
May she rest in peace

220805

220805
100% chance of moisture

There was a young lass named Delaney
Who liked her boys rugged and brainy
When students with pecks
Would read books and flex
She’d get wet though it wasn’t rainy

220803

220803
Pink man cave

I’ve gone and changed my upstairs room
To start, I cleaned it with a broom
I picked up rubbish from the ground
Then moved the furniture around
It has a TV and loveseat
The LEGO wall looks pretty neat
I put my desk and laptop there
It also has a rolling chair
The clincher is a spinning bike
And I can ride it when I like
Work, exercise, play, watch and rest
My office/man cave is the best

220801

220801
16 + 5 = forever

I miss you James, I miss you Jean
Though pain of loss is truly mean
Unending love is stronger yet
Because of that, I can’t forget
My brother James and lovely wife
They showed me how to embrace life
Their kindness, joy and laughter too
I’ll always miss the both of you

220729

220729
The long and winding road

I thought it would last forever
But then came the worst day ever
That happened five years ago now
And I’ve made it this far somehow
Since life’s a trip and not a race
I took my stuff to a new place
And I brought Linc and Brownie too
As time has passed, I’m not so blue
I’m sometimes red and sometimes green
The colors change, know what I mean?
There are more ups and fewer downs
I’m mostly better than this sounds
But days like this can hurt the most
And good humor becomes morose
I still think that love was cheated
My forever’s not completed

220727

220727
What would you do for a Choco Taco?

Pour one out for Choco Taco
You can’t get one in Morocco
They’ve been canceled in Samoa
You can’t get one any more
They’re gone in Texas and New York
They can’t be found in County Cork
Choco Taco fans are grieving
For these treats they’re not receiving

220725

220725
Love and thunder

I took a chance with a blind date
And she did too, what freaky fate
We had our fun and loved a lot
But then she passed, I was distraught
I do not pray, but I have hope
That someone else will want this dope
Love’s lighting bolts – can they strike twice?
I think they will, I’ve been real nice

220722

220722
Good to the last drop

A pretty lass went to São Paulo
Her faithful boyfriend he did follow
He rubbed tired feet
And lowered the seat
‘Cause he found a girl that would swallow

220720

220720
Schrödinger’s Linc

Little Linc, Little Linc
He’s the best cat, don’t you think?
Little Linc, Little Linc
Fur is black and tongue is pink
Little Linc, Little Linc
Sleeping near the kitchen sink
Little Linc, Little Linc
Into my room, he does slink
Little Linc, Little Linc
He gives me an evil wink
Little Linc, Little Linc
He will claw me if I blink
Little Linc, Little Linc
He’s the reason that I drink
Little Linc, Little Linc
He might kill me, don’t you think?

220718

220718
Hot shit!

It’s the hottest day
Since 1887
33 no 1/3

220715

220715
At least he didn’t stab it

A nasty young man from Stab City
Would do things that weren’t very pretty
He once traveled east
And paid off a priest
To lick a Kilkenny nun’s kitty

220713

220713
M-O-O-N spells super

The moon is full, and so am I
The moon is round like apple pie
The moon tonight is extra bright
It guides us with it’s lunar light
It’s super ’cause it’s fairly near
The moon does this three times a year
The moon is shining in the sky
The moon is high, and so am I