220520

220520
Fruit Salad

A swimmer who lived in Fontana
Got undressed inside a cabana
A woman walked in
And started to grin
When she saw his peach and banana

220518

220518
What’s in your head?

The best Doctor Strange
In Multiverse of Madness
Zombie Doctor Strange

220516

220516
No sawing or dropping logs

I cannot sleep while on a plane
The lack of napping is a pain
Another thing I cannot do
No matter what I cannot poo
So when I land, and have the chance
I get to do my doo doo dance
Then throw my clothes into a heap
Climb into bed and fall asleep

220513

220513
I’m going back to Cali

I’m going back, but I’m not going home
I’m gonna see mom, dad, Tom and Jerome
I’m gonna go back to where I’m the Pope
I’m gonna eat tacos and smoke some dope
I’m not going home, but I’m going back
I’m gonna see friends like a maniac
I’m gonna play games and walk in the sun
And then I’ll go home when all of that’s done

220511

220511
To be the man, you got to drive the van!

Last night I drove a campervan
I drove it from Kildare
I drove it like the Macho Man
I drove it like Ric Flair
I drove the camper for a friend
I drove it to their pad
I’ll drive the campervan again
Or else I will be sad

220509

220509
Fist of Khonshu

I think I may, I think I might
Tell you about Marvel’s Moon Knight
A hero since the seventies
With multiple identities
Marc Spector is a hired merc
He’s not that nice, kind of a jerk
And Steven Grant’s another side
That’s who came out when Marc would hide
They died, and this might sound bizarre
Returned as Khonshu’s avatar
They vanquish villains by moonlight
The crime fighter known as Moon Knight!

220506

220506
Johnny Deppshit

I woke to the song of a birdy
And there next to me was a turdy
Well that isn’t right
What happened last night?
I must have slept with Amber Heard-y!

220504

220504
#MTFBWY

Happy Star Wars Day!
May the 4th be with you all
And also with you

220502

220502
A trip to Mahon Falls

I traveled on a magic road
To see the falls that freely flowed
Partaking in the vivid views
Considering which path to choose
I could go back the normal way
But I could do that any day
I feel I’ve hit the motherload
So I’ll stay on this magic road

220429

220429
Click click

There once was a ginger named Rusty
Who had affairs torrid and lusty
He often spilled seed
But he did not breed
He shot blanks with balls that were dusty

220427

220427
And nobody booed

I tried something new
Tonight I read poetry
In front of a crowd

220425

220425
They’ll drool on you

My two nuts just hang around
One is black, and one is brown
Most days they’re in lazy mode
When excited, they’ll explode
My two nuts just love the craic
One is brown, and one is black
They don’t care who strokes their bum
They will stay but like to come
My two nuts have so much hair
And they leave it everywhere
If you wear a sexy dress
They will make an awful mess
My two nuts are pretty swell
Though sometimes they really smell
I will scrub them clean and neat
Till they’re good enough to eat
My two nuts are quite a pair
Pleasing babes with savoir-faire
In their hostile habitat
One’s a dog, and one’s a cat

220422

220422
His willy got woolly

There once was a wild Irish rover
Who tended to sheep as a drover
One night on the piss
A ewe gave a kiss
Then each night he got drunk all over

220420

220420
I had a dream…

I’m in Kilkenny
Playing board games with my friends
The dream has come true

220418

220418
Not welcome in Woodstock

By the time we got to Woodstock
I just had to make a wee
And everywhere was a tree
For my urination
And then I saw the Brownie Bear
Squatting next to three small guys
Turning laughter into cries
By his defecation
We were busted, we were scolded
So we had to beg for our pardon
And we’re not allowed to go
Back to the garden

220415

220415
The death of Brian

There once was a fella named Brian
Nailed next to a fella who’s dyin’
The young fella said
Though he’d soon be dead
If you don’t see bright you’re not tryin’

220413

220413
Tsunami of sadness

His jokes always killed
Tragedy was comedy
Rest In Peace Gilbert

220411

220411
Drop it like it’s hot

I did a thing I didn’t like
I dropped my phone when on a hike
I cursed myself, I made a scene
At least I did not crack the screen
Instead I broke the LCD
It’s fixable for a large fee
While I stand here, egg on my face
I need to get myself a case

220408

220408
Hangry hangry hippo

When does hunger turn to anger?
I want pizza or a banger
As I rifle through the freezer
Hangry visits this old geezer
I could eat sweet baby Jesus
So I stuff my mouth with cheeses
They were moldy and not yummy
But at least they’re in my tummy

220406

220406
Time capsule thoughts

If you can read this, in 100 years
Of course I felt pain and spilled many tears
But I also loved, I laughed and I played
I’ll never forget the life that I made
In 100 years, I hope that you’ll be
Surrounded by friends and happy like me

220404

220404
Kingpin of Kilkenny

I like to sit around and roll
So I decide, I’m gonna bowl
I see the pins and throw the ball
I aim it straight to hit them all
The ball goes left, I hit but one
I roll again, that ball hits none
It’s been a while and that’s a fact
But honestly, I feel attacked
I hit just five in the next frame
Frames three through nine were much the same
I then decide I need to change
The balls I rolled, they all felt strange
They hurt my fingers quite a bit
I need a ball with holes that fit
I start to search the bowling hall
To find my Cinderella ball
There’s one behind a rubbish pile
My fingers fit, I start to smile
I slide it down the well-oiled lane
The red-necked pins explode with pain
Now that’s the bowling that I like
It took ten frames to bowl a strike
And now I get to throw twice more
Another strike! I start to roar!
Just like a bowler in their prime
I get a third, it’s turkey time!
So if you’re feeling in the pits
Just find yourself a hole that fits

220401

220401
Stand up and be counted

This weekend I fill out the census
I make sure that I’m conscientious
I count every cat
Dog, spider and rat
In order to reach a consensus

220330

220330
Always on – never off

No rest for the wicked
That’s true for this dickhead
Since I am my own boss
I do not gather moss
While some have night-time fun
My work is never done

220328

220328
Violence is never the answer

I do feel bad for Jada’s hair
But she’s a multi-millionaire
She got compared to GI Jane
A fighter who could withstand pain
That Will Smith slap was just not right
He brought a gun to a word fight
I hope that when we disagree
That you won’t throw a punch at me

220325

220325
West Side Limerick

There once was a Jet known as Tony
Who kept gangster Riff as a crony
He then took a twirl
With a PR girl
But did not end in matrimony

220323

220323
I feel fine

Late to the party
Two years after it began
I blame Paddy’s Day

220321

220321
Time of month

If Tom’s in town, don’t be a fool
Or else you’ll get a bloody tool
‘Cause every month ol’ Tom calls in
Reminding us of Eve’s first sin
Give her a kiss, massage or hug
Take out the trash, vacuum the rug
Buy comfort food when Tom’s in town
And you’ll turn that frown upside-down

220318

220318
Four-way hentai

There was a kaiju from Manila
Who thought his sex life too vanilla
He paid the madame
For wham-bang-and-bam
With Mothra, Rodan and Godzilla

220316

220316
Kiss me I’m a yank

Kiss me I’m Irish, that’s what I would say
Back when I was in the US of A
Now I’m in Ireland, and lassies don’t care
I say I’m Irish, and they blankly stare
Kiss me I’m yankee, that just doesn’t work
I won’t get a kiss, I’ll feel like a jerk
I put on my green, I hope and I pray
That I’ll get a kiss on St. Patrick’s Day

220314

220314
32 shades of green

Kilkenny’s green, and so’s Kildare
Roscommon, Galway, Laois and Clare
Limerick’s as green as Irish stew
They’re green in Tipperary too
It’s green in Carlow and Westmeath
In Wicklow, Offaly and Meath
They’re green in Cork and Dublin town
But not up north in County Down
The west is green, and so’s the south
The east is green way up to Louth
Fermanagh is a green-free zone
As well as Armagh and Tyrone
There’s none more green than Kerry fair
But not so in the Derry air
In Antrim, giants walk the sea
While Leitrim’s as green as can be
Six Ulster counties are not green
Why was the UK so damn mean?
It’s weird that Cavan, Monaghan
And Donegal weren’t in their plan
The Fords of Water, Wex and Long
Still think the British got it wrong
The greens of Sligo and Mayo
Want Brits to give back what they owe
Until six counties change their hue
It won’t be green in 32

220311

220311
Fill ‘er up fantasies

A greedy and vile petrol station
Would gouge due to war and inflation
The owner was caught
While sailing his yacht
The swift punishment was castration