211015

211015
He has so much updog

There once was a vampire named Colin
His energy draining was ballin’
His weapon of choice
A monotone voice
Got everyone’s head to start lollin’

211013

211013
He boldly went

Shatner has blasted off of earth
He’s left the planet of his birth
The ship can’t find a place to dock
His ego’s stuck in the airlock
He wears his captain’s courage badge
To deal with own harsh sabotage

211011

211011
Pumpkin pawing period

October can be hideous
When ghosts and goblins pity us
Be sure to make the pixies proud
By showing them you are endowed
With mighty gourds and giant squash
They’ll love your swagger and panache
So go and grab that orange butt
But wait to make the deepest cut

211008

211008
Beddy-bye time to die

There once was a nightmare named Freddy
Who always had blades at the ready
And every night
When kids would sleep tight
He’d stab them right through their stuffed teddy

211006

211006
His number one trick

I took Brownie for a walk
He went pee on every block
We had walked about a mile
When he made a young girl smile
I don’t know what made her beam
Maybe it was Brownie’s stream
Wonder if he’d been a hit
If she had seen Brownie shit

211004

211004
I’m not a good friend

When your pain has doubled
And you need someone to care
Like always you’re facing your darkest nights
Don’t you ever think of me
For I will not be there
I’d rather be receiving my last rites
I just think that you’re lame
And your attitude’s to blame
I start backing, oh yeah, from you real slow
Winter, spring, summer, or autumn
Someday soon you’ll hit rock bottom
And I’ll say that, yeah, yeah, yeah, “I told you so!”

211001

211001
Sarah Crosby abú!

A friend to many
Mother, daughter, sister, wife
Rest in Peace Sarah

210929

210929
Sharing is caring

Fewer and fewer seem to care
Hardly any have clicked on share
If you enjoy a rhyme or two
A simple like or heart will do

210927

210927
Going off the furrow

I don’t know what I’m drinking
I’ve fallen off three wagons
My brain has started thinking
Do all dungeons have dragons?
Can you cry under water?
Did Prince own any plain clothes?
Does laughter lead to slaughter?
Do unicorns fart rainbows?

210924

210924
Teeny broad the naked barber of Main Street

There once was a lass from Youghal Harbour
Who grew up to work as a barber
She thought clothes were rude
So she cut hair nude
The nuns in town wanted to garb her

210922

210922
Mistress of the fabulous!

Elvira’s in the dark no more
She’s found a woman to adore
It’s not too late for new love or
To open up that closet door

210920

210920
That’s what he and she said

“What’s up?” says he
“Not much,” says she
The back and forth futility
“Let’s meet again.”
“Sure thing, say when.”
Until the end of time – amen

210917

210917
He put a dongle up his dingle

A lad with a USB cable
Inserted it ’cause he was able
He tried this strange trick
To measure his dick
It’s totally true – not a fable

210915

210915
Doomscrolling for the loss

Go to bed and scroll
Scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll
Scroll scroll scroll and sleep

210913

210913
Curable curse

The Mayo lads have lost again
Some say it is a curse
The crime committed by those men?
Not stopping for a hearse
In ’51 the jinx was cast
And only one remains
The rest are gone, he is the last
To rid Mayo of pains
But Dr. Mick is not to blame
For chances that were missed
Next year they’ll need to work on aim
And then Sam will be kissed

210910

210910
Straight from the horse’s ass

There once was a man from Tacoma
Who unleashed a deadly aroma
He took the horse pill
Which made his butt ill
And put the whole town in a coma

210908

210908
Merry birthday

‘Twas the night before birthday, and inside my place
Linc and Brownie are sitting in front of my face
I’m trying to watch Parks and Rec season two
But these selfish monsters are blocking my view
They don’t have a cake and not even one toy
But they want to be near a good little boy
Now Brownie, now Lincoln, if you’ll both sit still
We’ll give brand new meaning to Netflix and chill

210906

210906
Wish you were here

It’s time to celebrate your birth
A trip around the sun from Earth
It’s time for posts from friends and kin
And getting drunk with bathtub gin
I hope you get to raise some hell
And barring that, I hope it’s swell
So lift your glass and give a cheer
You’ve made it through another year!

210903

210903
Mayo for Sam!

The folks in Mayo have the reek
Some people climb it every week
They pray to god and kill a lamb
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

Sligo and Leitrim both were beat
The tribesmen soon met their defeat
They told those Dublin lads to scram
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

In Westport there is red and green
The likes of which are rarely seen
Though Galway might not give a damn
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

It’s been a long time since they’ve won
The last time – 1951
They’ll prove the curse was just a sham
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

210901

210901
Long, straight, curly, fuzzy

It’s here, it’s there, I do declare
Around the house, there’s so much hair!
I sweep it up from nine to five
But I can’t stop, that hair’s alive!
It falls off Linc and Brownie Bear
It’s on the ground, it’s in the air
It’s black and brown and coarse and fine
I cannot lie, some hair is mine
It’s on the rug and every stair
It’s on the couch and every chair
It’s on my shirt, it’s on my hat
I have enough to make a cat
It’s on my face and derrière
This feckin’ hair is everywhere!

210830

210830
Peanut butter fish

Jellyfish jellyfish
Laying on the sand
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my hand
Jellyfish jellyfish
Dying in this heat
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my feet
Jellyfish jellyfish
Sitting on the rock
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my cock

210827

210827
Yeah!

I like Fish Heads by Art and Artie
I play that song at every party
The lyrics are dumb
I eat them up yum
They’re nutritious, healthy and hearty

210825

210825
Not fade away

His hands and feet
Would keep the best
The brilliant Charlie Watts
The stones we toss
Now gather moss
Forever in our thoughts

210823

210823
Fucking Dumb Asses!

The FDA
Says its OK
So get your fucking shot today!

210820

210820
Happy Birthday Linc!

I have a cat, his name is Linc
His fur is soft and black as ink
His claws are sharp, his butthole pink
Around the house he likes to slink
Then disappears before I blink
He thinks that Brownie is a fink
He likes to make his boxes stink
His antics push me to the brink
So, twice a month I see a shrink
That little shit drives me to drink

210818

210818
Bad poetry day

To some folks, my poems are shitty
They’re rude, vile and stupid – not witty
They say that my drawings ain’t pretty
More worthy of scorn, not your pity
It’s fine that some find it offensive
I used to get moody and pensive
Then lash out because I’m defensive
My therapy bills were expensive
But now when my poems are hated
I won’t feel so low and deflated
The reason I’m now liberated?
Bad poetry is celebrated!

210816

210816
Please, no wagering

Is life a competition
Or just an exhibition?
I don’t need your permission
To write this composition
Expose my exposition?
Oppose your opposition!
These lines are an admission
I’m not a word magician
I have no inhibition
With thought to page transmission
My rhyming repetition
And drawing demolition
Might nurture nerve nutrition
And intellect ignition
To wrap up this submission
My prose and picture mission
Will come to its fruition
With global recognition
A well-to-do patrician
And songs by a musician

210813

210813
Don’t tell them it’s Friday the 13th

Today’s all about reinstatement
Q’s furor is an understatement
Though seven months late
It’s well worth the wait
To celebrate their overweight gent

210811

210811
Why not…?

What if Marvel made a series
Based on fans’ obsessive queries?
They could tell the same old fables
But some change would turn the tables
The Hulk is tame and not a brute
A talking raccoon says, “I’m Groot!”
And Iron Man’s not built by Stark
Instead he makes a copper shark!
Nick Fury’s still a super spy
His patch is on his other eye!
And baldy Watcher shows the diff
You know they’d call that show What If…?

210809

210809
Spam egg sausage and spam

Check your spam, check your spam
Yes, of course I sent it ma’am
We have problems sending emails
And I swear it’s not a scam
Yes, I did – I don’t kid
I will bet you twenty quid
Though it was marked as suspicious
My email was not malicious
Open it, take a chance
I assure you in advance
You must have a real careful filter program
Go on, and check your folder
Just do as I told ya
Check your spam, oui your spam, check your spam!

210806

210806
I will have you – yes, I will have you

I love sipping on iced chai lattes
The perfect drink on those real hot days
It’s cool and it’s sweet
An afternoon treat
If I could I’d guzzle them always