221122

221122
Happy Thanksgiving 2022

I’m thankful for family and friends
I’m thankful for family that are my friends
I’m thankful for friends that are my family
I’m thankful for living in Ireland
I’m thankful for living in Kilkenny
I’m thankful for living with Brownie, Linc and Jeanne
I’m thankful for 54 First Dates that didn’t work
I’m thankful for 1 First Date that did
I’m thankful for no more First Dates

220909

220909
The Boomtown Fats

The chocolate chips inside my mouth
Cause sugar overload
And nobody’s gonna send a text today
I’m gonna hide inside my home
And Brownie doesn’t understand it
I always eat till my belly’s swolled
And Linc can see no presents
‘Cause there are no presents
No presents for a man fully grown
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
My birthday suit don’t fit me now
Now, now, feel like a cow
Though it’s my birthday I’m feeling down right now
I’ve been eating cake for quite a while
I’ve swallowed too much and soon I’ll be learning
And the lesson today is don’t eat pie
And then the chip bag crackles and I have to tackle
Why I can’t see my feet or thighs
And I can see no presents
‘Cause there are no presents
Just candy wrappers piled up high, high, oh, oh oh!
And the chocolate chips inside my mouth
Cause sugar overload oh!
And nobody’s gonna send a text today
I’m gonna hide inside my home
And Brownie doesn’t understand it
I always eat till my belly’s swolled
And Linc can see no presents
‘Cause there are no presents
No presents for a man fully grown
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like I don’t like
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like I don’t like
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
My birthday suit don’t fit me now

220906

220906
Happy birthday today and every other day

Happy birthday
So nice to see
Happy birthday
It should be as good as can be
Oh happy birthday
Happy birthday make a wish for free
That on your birthday you will plant a money tree
Happy birthday
Have fun today
Happy birthday
I hope you just eat cake and play
Oh happy birthday
You’ll open your presents and party with glee
Oh happy birthday
I hope you sing this part with me
Every other day
Every other day
Every other day of the year is fine, yeah
But then when your birthday comes
But then when your birthday comes
You can find me rhymin’ all of the time
Happy birthday
Have fun today
Happy birthday
Don’t get carried away
Whoa, Happy birthday
Don’t go away
Happy birthday
It’s here to stay
Oh happy birthday
Oh happy birthday

220817

220817
I hope I didn’t make you yawn

Alarm goes off at dawn – I yawn
I put the kettle on – I yawn
My laptop won’t logon – I yawn
I feel a bit withdrawn – I yawn
Lunch is a warm jambon – I yawn
It seems that summer’s gone – I yawn
This poem is now drawn – I yawn
Here is the denouement – I yawn

220815

220815
At least I’m not gaining

I walk a lot for exercise
And climb the stairs to work my thighs
The food I eat I used to hate
But I can’t seem to lose some weight

220727

220727
What would you do for a Choco Taco?

Pour one out for Choco Taco
You can’t get one in Morocco
They’ve been canceled in Samoa
You can’t get one any more
They’re gone in Texas and New York
They can’t be found in County Cork
Choco Taco fans are grieving
For these treats they’re not receiving

220713

220713
M-O-O-N spells super

The moon is full, and so am I
The moon is round like apple pie
The moon tonight is extra bright
It guides us with it’s lunar light
It’s super ’cause it’s fairly near
The moon does this three times a year
The moon is shining in the sky
The moon is high, and so am I

220629

220629
He isn’t anymore

I’m the fucking President
Take me to the Capitol now
I’m the fucking President
I know I won the vote somehow
I’m the fucking President
They may have guns but won’t shoot me
I’m the fucking President
I stacked the courts so I’ll stay free!

220620

220620
Once a year

A day before the yanks agree
It’s summer from Muff to Tralee
The sun is hot, the sky is blue
The ice cream shop has quite a queue
It’s time for shorts and sunny smiles
On hilltops you can see for miles
The kind of day when Irish cheer
‘Cause summer comes one day a year

220615

220615
All you can eat is not a challenge

I swiped right and went on a date
We ended up at her place
I thought that it was going great
Already was on first base
But dinner was a big buffet
I knew that this would spoil it
The gurgles started straight away
I had to use her toilet
To ghost someone is horrible
It really is a sin though
But that smell was deplorable
So I snuck out the window

220606

220606
Lately things they don’t seem the same

I’ve been in a haze
For four or five days
It’s been since the first
And just gotten worse
I’ve been close to tears
For four or five years
My eyes are a fount
When birthdays don’t count

220527

220527
Me encanta tu plátano

There once was a man from Salinas
Who only went out with latinas
He loved snappy sass
Their apple-shaped ass
And they preferred his curvy penis

220520

220520
Fruit Salad

A swimmer who lived in Fontana
Got undressed inside a cabana
A woman walked in
And started to grin
When she saw his peach and banana

220513

220513
I’m going back to Cali

I’m going back, but I’m not going home
I’m gonna see mom, dad, Tom and Jerome
I’m gonna go back to where I’m the Pope
I’m gonna eat tacos and smoke some dope
I’m not going home, but I’m going back
I’m gonna see friends like a maniac
I’m gonna play games and walk in the sun
And then I’ll go home when all of that’s done

220411

220411
Drop it like it’s hot

I did a thing I didn’t like
I dropped my phone when on a hike
I cursed myself, I made a scene
At least I did not crack the screen
Instead I broke the LCD
It’s fixable for a large fee
While I stand here, egg on my face
I need to get myself a case

220408

220408
Hangry hangry hippo

When does hunger turn to anger?
I want pizza or a banger
As I rifle through the freezer
Hangry visits this old geezer
I could eat sweet baby Jesus
So I stuff my mouth with cheeses
They were moldy and not yummy
But at least they’re in my tummy

220321

220321
Time of month

If Tom’s in town, don’t be a fool
Or else you’ll get a bloody tool
‘Cause every month ol’ Tom calls in
Reminding us of Eve’s first sin
Give her a kiss, massage or hug
Take out the trash, vacuum the rug
Buy comfort food when Tom’s in town
And you’ll turn that frown upside-down

220314

220314
32 shades of green

Kilkenny’s green, and so’s Kildare
Roscommon, Galway, Laois and Clare
Limerick’s as green as Irish stew
They’re green in Tipperary too
It’s green in Carlow and Westmeath
In Wicklow, Offaly and Meath
They’re green in Cork and Dublin town
But not up north in County Down
The west is green, and so’s the south
The east is green way up to Louth
Fermanagh is a green-free zone
As well as Armagh and Tyrone
There’s none more green than Kerry fair
But not so in the Derry air
In Antrim, giants walk the sea
While Leitrim’s as green as can be
Six Ulster counties are not green
Why was the UK so damn mean?
It’s weird that Cavan, Monaghan
And Donegal weren’t in their plan
The Fords of Water, Wex and Long
Still think the British got it wrong
The greens of Sligo and Mayo
Want Brits to give back what they owe
Until six counties change their hue
It won’t be green in 32

220221

220221
So much in common

He likes to talk
She likes to walk
He likes to dine
She likes red wine
He likes TV
She likes the sea
He likes to screw
She likes it too

220131

220131
Meatless Mondays

I love cheese pasta made with pesto
It has no meat but still’s the best-o
I love it when it’s paired with vino
It has no meat but still is keen-o

220128

220128
Goodbye Silver Brick Road

I’m a little bit fuzzy
Got thick fur outside
When there’s a full moon
I must secretly hide
I don’t have much worry – bud
Since I’ve been bit
I pee like a dog now
And sniff their shit
I used to wear silver, ha
But now it brings woe
And it’s weird when the sun sets
That my nails start to grow
This curse is too much
‘Cause now I need flea shampoo
If I bite your leg, I’ll give it to you
And you can turn at the full moon
And run with the packs
You might get quite furry, and
Like Scooby snacks
Werewolves are maligned
Werewolves are maligned
They are put down by words
But they keep on howling
While their tails are curled

220114

220114
Happy birthday Brownie!

A dog was born ten years ago
His fur is brown, like cookie dough
He isn’t bright, a little dense
His head is stupidly immense
He’d sell his soul to get a treat
But most of all that dog is sweet
I’ll sing him this, but he won’t care
Oh happy birthday Brownie Bear!

220110

220110
Except, I will

I think that Linc pretends he’s sweet
But all he’s after is a treat
His phony purrs no longer work
He’s not my friend, he’s just a jerk
I won’t be tricked to give him food
‘Cause treats are given if you’re good
I will not feed him ’cause he’s fat
I will not feed that evil cat!

220103

220103
So many options

As a yank
Should I wank
Till there’s nothing in the tank?
Or
As a mick
Should I flick
Rapidly upon my dick?
Or
As a chap
Should I slap
My salami and then nap?

211224

211224
Christmas with the cats

It’s time for joy and festive cheer
But things are different this year
I could not get back to the states
So now I’ll spend it with me mates
They’re wearing black and amber hats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
It’s not the same and that’s ok
I’ll celebrate a brand new way
Just like LA it won’t be white
But over here, the weather’s shite
My parents send me online chats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I want to party till it’s late
But this year pubs will close at eight
No ugly sweaters on display
No pub crawls on St. Stephen’s Day
I blame the feckin’ bureaucrats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I have to bring a biscuit tin
Or else my friends won’t let me in
The wine is mulled, the pudding’s plum
The pies have mince, yeah that sounds dumb
The yummy sweets – the tasty fats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats

211215

211215
Bacardi party

The office Christmas party fun
Was started with Bacardi rum
The punch was spiked, the bongs were lit
And HR didn’t give a shit
The mistletoe was hung with care
Above the boss’s derrière
The secretaries did burlesque
While interns banged upon a desk
The salesmen want to get ahead
But it’s too hard, that’s what she said
Then Santa came in through the rear
That’s when the party got in gear
While eating snacks and drinking beer
He punched an elf and shot eight deer
This should have ended his career
But he’ll be back same time next year

211203

211203
Oh my gourd!

A couple named Pumpkin and Peter
Were cold so they sat by the heater
Pete wanted a bite
But try as he might
She was so hard, he couldn’t eat her

211201

211201
I like pi

New variant is omicron
The seventh after epsilon
If this one doesn’t make me die
Maybe I’ll get a slice of pi

211124

211124
A yank’s thanks

I’m often asked, since I’m away
How do I spend Thanksgiving Day?
I do not have a big turkey
No stuffing, yams nor cranberry
I do not have my family here
No football games to watch and cheer
I kind of think, most displaced yanks
Just look around and give their thanks
That’s not to say I do not miss
A feast worthy of a chef’s kiss
Or seeing mom or Tom or dad
Of course those things do make me sad
But this is where my feet did roam
I’m in my new forever home
Although it’s far from you to me
I’m just right where I want to be

211110

211110
Meow? Me ow!

“Meow, meow!” Linc yells at me
He interrupts my morning tea
“Meow, meow!” He cries for lunch
I give him something he can munch
“Meow, meow!” It’s dinner time
An empty bowl my heinous crime
“Meow, meow!” It’s time for bed
This feckin’ cat is in my head
“Meow, meow!” His constant cry
He screams at me until I die…

211101

211101
It’s alive!

I was handing out candy, late last night
And I woke this morning at first light
And suddenly to my surprise
My Christmas tree began to rise
He did the smash – he did the pumpkin smash
The pumpkin smash – orange seeds in a splash
He did the smash – he threw guts in the trash
He did the smash – he did the pumpkin smash
From my back garden to my living room
He was smashing gourds for a pumpkin tomb
His allies came from the nurseries
They were hammer-wielding Christmas trees
They did the smash – they did the pumpkin smash
The pumpkin smash – orange seeds in a splash
They did the smash – they threw guts in the trash
They did the smash – they did the pumpkin smash