220520

220520
Fruit Salad

A swimmer who lived in Fontana
Got undressed inside a cabana
A woman walked in
And started to grin
When she saw his peach and banana

220513

220513
I’m going back to Cali

I’m going back, but I’m not going home
I’m gonna see mom, dad, Tom and Jerome
I’m gonna go back to where I’m the Pope
I’m gonna eat tacos and smoke some dope
I’m not going home, but I’m going back
I’m gonna see friends like a maniac
I’m gonna play games and walk in the sun
And then I’ll go home when all of that’s done

220411

220411
Drop it like it’s hot

I did a thing I didn’t like
I dropped my phone when on a hike
I cursed myself, I made a scene
At least I did not crack the screen
Instead I broke the LCD
It’s fixable for a large fee
While I stand here, egg on my face
I need to get myself a case

220408

220408
Hangry hangry hippo

When does hunger turn to anger?
I want pizza or a banger
As I rifle through the freezer
Hangry visits this old geezer
I could eat sweet baby Jesus
So I stuff my mouth with cheeses
They were moldy and not yummy
But at least they’re in my tummy

220321

220321
Time of month

If Tom’s in town, don’t be a fool
Or else you’ll get a bloody tool
‘Cause every month ol’ Tom calls in
Reminding us of Eve’s first sin
Give her a kiss, massage or hug
Take out the trash, vacuum the rug
Buy comfort food when Tom’s in town
And you’ll turn that frown upside-down

220314

220314
32 shades of green

Kilkenny’s green, and so’s Kildare
Roscommon, Galway, Laois and Clare
Limerick’s as green as Irish stew
They’re green in Tipperary too
It’s green in Carlow and Westmeath
In Wicklow, Offaly and Meath
They’re green in Cork and Dublin town
But not up north in County Down
The west is green, and so’s the south
The east is green way up to Louth
Fermanagh is a green-free zone
As well as Armagh and Tyrone
There’s none more green than Kerry fair
But not so in the Derry air
In Antrim, giants walk the sea
While Leitrim’s as green as can be
Six Ulster counties are not green
Why was the UK so damn mean?
It’s weird that Cavan, Monaghan
And Donegal weren’t in their plan
The Fords of Water, Wex and Long
Still think the British got it wrong
The greens of Sligo and Mayo
Want Brits to give back what they owe
Until six counties change their hue
It won’t be green in 32

220221

220221
So much in common

He likes to talk
She likes to walk
He likes to dine
She likes red wine
He likes TV
She likes the sea
He likes to screw
She likes it too

220131

220131
Meatless Mondays

I love cheese pasta made with pesto
It has no meat but still’s the best-o
I love it when it’s paired with vino
It has no meat but still is keen-o

220128

220128
Goodbye Silver Brick Road

I’m a little bit fuzzy
Got thick fur outside
When there’s a full moon
I must secretly hide
I don’t have much worry – bud
Since I’ve been bit
I pee like a dog now
And sniff their shit
I used to wear silver, ha
But now it brings woe
And it’s weird when the sun sets
That my nails start to grow
This curse is too much
‘Cause now I need flea shampoo
If I bite your leg, I’ll give it to you
And you can turn at the full moon
And run with the packs
You might get quite furry, and
Like Scooby snacks
Werewolves are maligned
Werewolves are maligned
They are put down by words
But they keep on howling
While their tails are curled

220114

220114
Happy birthday Brownie!

A dog was born ten years ago
His fur is brown, like cookie dough
He isn’t bright, a little dense
His head is stupidly immense
He’d sell his soul to get a treat
But most of all that dog is sweet
I’ll sing him this, but he won’t care
Oh happy birthday Brownie Bear!

220110

220110
Except, I will

I think that Linc pretends he’s sweet
But all he’s after is a treat
His phony purrs no longer work
He’s not my friend, he’s just a jerk
I won’t be tricked to give him food
‘Cause treats are given if you’re good
I will not feed him ’cause he’s fat
I will not feed that evil cat!

220103

220103
So many options

As a yank
Should I wank
Till there’s nothing in the tank?
Or
As a mick
Should I flick
Rapidly upon my dick?
Or
As a chap
Should I slap
My salami and then nap?

211224

211224
Christmas with the cats

It’s time for joy and festive cheer
But things are different this year
I could not get back to the states
So now I’ll spend it with me mates
They’re wearing black and amber hats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
It’s not the same and that’s ok
I’ll celebrate a brand new way
Just like LA it won’t be white
But over here, the weather’s shite
My parents send me online chats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I want to party till it’s late
But this year pubs will close at eight
No ugly sweaters on display
No pub crawls on St. Stephen’s Day
I blame the feckin’ bureaucrats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I have to bring a biscuit tin
Or else my friends won’t let me in
The wine is mulled, the pudding’s plum
The pies have mince, yeah that sounds dumb
The yummy sweets – the tasty fats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats

211215

211215
Bacardi party

The office Christmas party fun
Was started with Bacardi rum
The punch was spiked, the bongs were lit
And HR didn’t give a shit
The mistletoe was hung with care
Above the boss’s derrière
The secretaries did burlesque
While interns banged upon a desk
The salesmen want to get ahead
But it’s too hard, that’s what she said
Then Santa came in through the rear
That’s when the party got in gear
While eating snacks and drinking beer
He punched an elf and shot eight deer
This should have ended his career
But he’ll be back same time next year

211203

211203
Oh my gourd!

A couple named Pumpkin and Peter
Were cold so they sat by the heater
Pete wanted a bite
But try as he might
She was so hard, he couldn’t eat her

211201

211201
I like pi

New variant is omicron
The seventh after epsilon
If this one doesn’t make me die
Maybe I’ll get a slice of pi

211124

211124
A yank’s thanks

I’m often asked, since I’m away
How do I spend Thanksgiving Day?
I do not have a big turkey
No stuffing, yams nor cranberry
I do not have my family here
No football games to watch and cheer
I kind of think, most displaced yanks
Just look around and give their thanks
That’s not to say I do not miss
A feast worthy of a chef’s kiss
Or seeing mom or Tom or dad
Of course those things do make me sad
But this is where my feet did roam
I’m in my new forever home
Although it’s far from you to me
I’m just right where I want to be

211110

211110
Meow? Me ow!

“Meow, meow!” Linc yells at me
He interrupts my morning tea
“Meow, meow!” He cries for lunch
I give him something he can munch
“Meow, meow!” It’s dinner time
An empty bowl my heinous crime
“Meow, meow!” It’s time for bed
This feckin’ cat is in my head
“Meow, meow!” His constant cry
He screams at me until I die…

211101

211101
It’s alive!

I was handing out candy, late last night
And I woke this morning at first light
And suddenly to my surprise
My Christmas tree began to rise
He did the smash – he did the pumpkin smash
The pumpkin smash – orange seeds in a splash
He did the smash – he threw guts in the trash
He did the smash – he did the pumpkin smash
From my back garden to my living room
He was smashing gourds for a pumpkin tomb
His allies came from the nurseries
They were hammer-wielding Christmas trees
They did the smash – they did the pumpkin smash
The pumpkin smash – orange seeds in a splash
They did the smash – they threw guts in the trash
They did the smash – they did the pumpkin smash

211025

211025
Zombie céilí

Everybody scream
Everybody yell
This is not a dream
It’s a scene from hell
Zombies are dancing at Copper Face Jacks
Not a single mask – not a single vax
Everybody dance
At the zombie rave
Crawling in a trance
From their fresh dug grave
Zombies are dining at Copper Face Jacks
They are eating fronts – they are eating backs
If you value life
Everybody run
Get yourself a knife
Get yourself a gun
Zombies are killing at Cooper Face Jacks
They’re hunting alone and roaming in packs

211020

211020
Save the boobies

Some are pink, and some are brown
Some are flat, and some are round
Some are A, and some are C
Some are even Double D
Some will bounce, and some will sway
I can look at some all day
Some are young, and some are old
Some are cute, and some are bold
Some are fake, and some are real
Some provide a baby’s meal
Some are big, and some are small
I don’t care, I like them all

211011

211011
Pumpkin pawing period

October can be hideous
When ghosts and goblins pity us
Be sure to make the pixies proud
By showing them you are endowed
With mighty gourds and giant squash
They’ll love your swagger and panache
So go and grab that orange butt
But wait to make the deepest cut

210908

210908
Merry birthday

‘Twas the night before birthday, and inside my place
Linc and Brownie are sitting in front of my face
I’m trying to watch Parks and Rec season two
But these selfish monsters are blocking my view
They don’t have a cake and not even one toy
But they want to be near a good little boy
Now Brownie, now Lincoln, if you’ll both sit still
We’ll give brand new meaning to Netflix and chill

210827

210827
Yeah!

I like Fish Heads by Art and Artie
I play that song at every party
The lyrics are dumb
I eat them up yum
They’re nutritious, healthy and hearty

210809

210809
Spam egg sausage and spam

Check your spam, check your spam
Yes, of course I sent it ma’am
We have problems sending emails
And I swear it’s not a scam
Yes, I did – I don’t kid
I will bet you twenty quid
Though it was marked as suspicious
My email was not malicious
Open it, take a chance
I assure you in advance
You must have a real careful filter program
Go on, and check your folder
Just do as I told ya
Check your spam, oui your spam, check your spam!

210707

210707
Now the real fireworks start!

For the next four months
Gird your loins and prepare for
Passels of pumpkins!

210611

210611
You put your right one in…

I’m watching a show about Loki
Some think he’s as tasty as gnocchi
They would take it out
And shake it about
In order to do Loki pokey

210609

210609
Second jab is Saturday

Listing my imagination
After second vaccination
I can take a plane to Cali
Or go hike the Great Rift Valley
I can visit my relations
Hug and touch to feel sensations
See the Dead in Sarasota
Or twine ball in Minnesota
I can go to Spain and Quito
Searching for the best burrito
I can play games at conventions
Smoke weed and explore dimensions
I can have a pint of cider
I can put my tip inside her
I might burst just like a geyser
After second jab of Pfizer

210607

210607
Walk Brownie walk

Walked with Brownie really far
Walked downtown past Ryan’s Bar
We walked past outdoor cafes
People basking in sunrays
We saw shops with fish and meat
Brownie thought he’d earned a treat
We walked past the new skate park
And small dogs that always bark
We walked past a donut shop
Brownie wouldn’t let me stop
We saw people all around
Life returning to this town
We crossed bridges here and there
I walked far with Brownie Bear

210528

210528
Don’t bogart those plums

I’ll tell you the tale of Miss Humphrey
Who gorged herself on a packed plum tree
She ran to the loo
Got stuck as she blew
Then struggled to get her big bum free

210519

210519
Birthday bear hugs

Happy birthday to Louise
You should do all that you please
Drink white wine, and eat sharp cheese
Teach the world like Socrates
Celebrate your expertise
Hope you get an ursine squeeze