210709

210709
A short burst of inconsequential information

There is a web app known as Twitter
That most people read on the shitter
Unless you’re spray tanned
And forever banned
Then you sue them ’cause you are bitter

210528

210528
Don’t bogart those plums

I’ll tell you the tale of Miss Humphrey
Who gorged herself on a packed plum tree
She ran to the loo
Got stuck as she blew
Then struggled to get her big bum free

200831

200831
Wanna tap me?

Took a shower
For an hour
Had to scour
With my power
Now I’m neater
Than St. Peter
And I’m sweeter
By the liter

200610

200610
Kinky COVID-19

Face to face is bad
When it comes to COVID sex
Glory holes are good

200520

200520
Firsthand knowledge

Is your tummy cramped and coiled?
Do farts leave your trousers soiled?
Is your brown eye feeling boiled?
Check the milk, I bet it’s spoiled!!!

200320

200320
This limerick has been canceled

My plans for spring have been deleted
My TP supply is depleted
This Covid-19
Is foul and obscene
I can’t wait till it is defeated

200309

200309
Tinder tips

Today I was contemplating
If I should share tips for dating
Do not buy whiskey for Clodagh
She only drinks diet soda
You should not argue with Áine
She’ll throw you down and sit on ya
Don’t lend your money to Bronagh
She will not pay back one Krona
Be careful if you bang Fiadh
She gave a “friend” gonorrhea
Hope this did not make you sleepy
Why does it hurt when I peepee?

190902

190902
Dana Andrews said prunes gave him the runes

Feeling fat – feeling bloated
Eating chips – I’m devoted
Pants too tight – my belt cinches
Need to lose – ’bout two inches
Got a plan – extreme eating
Lots of prunes – then excreting

190809

190809
Excremential crisis

In just one month I’m 52
I have ennui and deja vu
I do not know what I should do
I could wear black or powder blue
I could eat steak or Irish stew
I could watch Jaws or something new
I could just pee or full on poo
Lord give a sign here in the loo!

190722

190722
In that order

Get good wine – must imbibe
Get some spam – unsubscribe
Get bad breath – brush my teeth
Get some wood – find relief

190612

190612
I ❤️ 2 💩

A log entry from me to you
I quite enjoy a number two
One’s not enough, and three won’t do
When squatting down up in the loo
A smelly fart might be a clue
Dropping a deuce is overdue
So I flush twice when I am through
Then wash my hands and bid adieu

190508

190508
It’s the tower power hour!

Want to make your foes cower?
Lock yourself in a tower
Exercise for an hour
Wash yourself in the shower
Shedding skin – scrub and scour
Smelling sweet like a flower
Now you have all the power!

190104

190104
Unhealthy haiku

Cough sneeze hack wheeze sniff
Nobody likes being sick
Unless you’re a freak

181210

181210
No shit!

 

When you need to number two
You can push until you’re blue
But no matter what you do
Still does not produce a poo

 

170630

170630
Scat school

Darker pee and lighter poo
Means that something’s wrong with you
Darker poo and lighter pee
Indicate that you’re healthy

170519

170519
It’s a piss poor day

Sitting, trying to excrete
Earwig on the toilet seat!
Makes me jump in a heartbeat
Frantically I cry and bleat
Then I dribble on my feet
Grotesque insect so petite
Grab it with a two-ply sheet
Wad it up all tight and neat
Flush it down so indiscreet
Victory is bittersweet

170320

170320
Hit me with your best shart!

The last few days have not been great
For bathroom trips I vacillate
Between the squirts and smelly farts
My TP use is off the charts
And now I trust my flatulence
About as much as Trump and Pence
Another cramp, so here I sit
I cannot wait for solid shit

170306

170306
Scariest Poe poem ever

Grabbing pussies makes me cheery, while Steve Bannon sits there bleary
Kellyanne was cleaning puddles sprinkled over my golden floor
While I tweeted, close to crapping, suddenly there came a slapping,
As if Putin fiercely fapping, fapping on my golden floor.
“‘Tis Obama! Wire tapping, tapping on my golden floor-
He is sick and so much more!”

170224

170224
Freshen up with Putin Pourri

He blocked the news, he’s crossed the line
His every move is asinine
He builds a wall to bring jobs back
“Protecting us from an attack”
He hates muslims, he hates the gays
He’ll bring about the end of days
We can’t believe a word he speaks
He’s done all this in just five weeks

170123

170123
0 days without a lie

A lie is a lie is a lie
And this one is too big to buy
Don’t tell me I need to relax
Stop calling it alternate facts
Newspeak is always rejected
Alt facts are always corrected
If we cannot trust every word
We’ll flush you like a hairy turd

161202

161202
Express lane – twelve ounces or less

Buying dog food at Costco
Suddenly I had to go
Every line was ten carts deep
‘Twas a sea of shopping sheep
Since the dog food was on sale
I decided not to bail
Stood in line behind a nun
Bladder full with number one
She asked me to hold her tote
As my teeth began to float
Nun was done; my turn to pay
Fighting back the urge to spray
Paid and flew to the bathroom
Dropped my pants; opened the flume
Yellow was all I could see
Wow, I really had to pee!

160729

160729
My asterisk is on fire

You should trust me when I say
It’s good to have a bidet
When you go to eat buffet
On colonoscopy day

160711

160711
Steve – you’re welcome

I know what I’m gonna do
I will make an epic poo
I will eat a ton of fruit
Let it brew until I toot
Then go sit upon my throne
And whip out my ol’ iPhone
Push until it hurts my hole
Push until it fills the bowl
Though I have an aching ass
Epic turds like this are class

160617

160617
Let’s make America brown again

I ate too much, my pants are tight
I know I have to take a dump
I’m pushing hard, with all my might
But all I made was Donald Trump

160601

160601
‪#‎RainbowPoo‬ ‪#‎LGBTPrideMonth‬

I’m an LGBT ally
We won’t back down, we will not hide
Until the first day of July
It’s time for LGBT pride
If gay marriage makes you feel sad
Just think about how they must feel
It’s not a choice, it’s not a fad
The way they love is very real
If bathrooms cause you untold fears
I hope to change your point of view
Trans people, gays, and even queers
Use toilets just to pee and poo

160318

160318
I drew a bath

If you have had a brutal day
A bath might make it go away
So light candles and fill the tub
Then give your feet a loofah scrub
You do not have to remove dirt
And Champagne surely wouldn’t hurt
To calm your inner psychopath
Turn off the world – turn on your bath

160106

160106
What’s colder than cold? Ice cold!

Just cold water in the shower
Makes sure that my mood is sour
Drinking hot tea by the liter
Gotta fix the water heater

151111

151111
Good thing his nose is pink

We could not find our little cat
We did not know where he was at
We checked outside, he was not there
He wasn’t in his favorite chair
We searched upstairs and then searched down
He could be anywhere in town
We called his name, “Where are you Linc?”
We found him in our bathroom sink

151016

151016
No shit? No shit!

Here I sit
Tried to shit
But only made a toot
Hear a shush
So I flush
And out of there I scoot

150904

150904
#2 favorite republican

There’s no more paper on the roll
But I still have to clean my hole
I can’t find any ‘neath the sink
The stench in here it’s hard to think
I see a rag we never use
The stain it leaves looks like Ted Cruz
Vanilla Glade I freely spray
I think I’ll sell it on eBay

150828

150828
I’m pretty tea’d off

Every morning after I pee
I can’t wait to imbibe my tea
Weekday weekend doesn’t matter
Drink until it fills my bladder
If I happen to go without
I’ll be angry and then I’ll pout
Hot, iced, green, black and even chai
I’m drinking tea until I die