Gray in my beard is also weird

It isn’t fair
That pubic hair
Just grows and grows and grows
I really dread
No hair on head
But plenty in my nose
To my dismay
It’s turning gray
I’m fighting back the tears
This is the worst
I feel I’m cursed
I have hair in my ears


Kill a lion lose your business seems fair

If you want to kill a lion
You’re a dick there’s no denyin’
It’s one thing to shoot a weasel
But why’d you go and shoot Cecil?
You spent a lot to take a life
Better spent on a battered wife
Now you’ve given us a reason
To start dentist hunting season


Mötley scrüed Paso Robles

The Mid-State fair had Mötley Crüe
Nikki, Tommy, Mick and Vince too
They gave us all the Paso screw
Three hours late ’twas sad, but true
The band was fine, but through and through
Vince Neil’s voice sounded like poo
When asked to sing I yelled a boo
With peace and love here’s my FUCK YOU!


Here’s to 7×7 more!

Seven years ago we met
It’s a night I won’t forget
Whoda thunk that a blind date
Would turn out to be so great?
Funny, smart and you’re the bomb
Thanks crazyblinddate.com


It’s nice while it lasts

The Angels have been pretty hot
But time will tell if it’s for naught
Now seven games won in a row
And last lost ’bout two weeks ago
What happens when this hot streak ends?
Will Trout and Pujols still be friends?


Thanks Steve!

Our handyman is known as Steve
He’s super like Christopher Reeve
When There’s a problem we can’t fix
He opens up his bag of tricks
His nails are straight, they never stray
And then our troubles go away


Please take the bribe

If you share with a friend or two
I will write a poem for you
If you share and a friend clicks like
I will draw you dropping the mic


Pluto blocked NASA on Facebook

NASA we have some questions dammit!
Is or isn’t Pluto a planet?
The space probe flyby makes me wonder
If New Horizons is a blunder
Since Pluto has dwarf planet status
Why send this costly apparatus?
Only a downright dirty puto
Would try to catfish poor ol’ Pluto


Keep that halo lit!

In first place at the All-Star break
That Angels headline sure seems fake
April and May were a bummer
But they got hot in the summer
Angels aren’t great, but they’re the best
In mediocre AL West
Santiago, Pujols and Trout
I hope they spark an All-Star rout


SD I want to be in you

Comic-Con – I want to go
Comic-Con – it’s such a show
Pop culture and comic geeks
Haven’t changed their clothes in weeks
Cosplayers dressed to the nines
Hours spent waiting in lines
Rumors aren’t in short supply
Find out first who’s next to die
Hard to find a place to crash
Hope you brought a ton of cash
Comic-Con – it isn’t fair
Comic-Con – I can’t be there


The dunce of confederates

There once was a Jindal named Bobby
Who wanted the President’s jobby
He opened his mouth
‘Bout loving the south
And rebel flag waving’s his hobby


That went south so fast!

Many know I call myself Pope
Even though I don’t bestow hope
Pope Francis can talk the good talk
Wish the church would walk the good walk
People flock to hear his sermon
Like him better than the German
Not a fan, but not a hater
Now he’s south of the equator
When I find myself that far south
I get things done with my big mouth


Have a safe and sane 4th

Bang! Happy Independence Day
Bang! Another dog runs away
Bang! Barbecuing in the park
Bang! Soldiers shaking in the dark
Bang! Bottle rocket, cherry bomb
Bang! Suddenly they’re back in ‘Nam
Bang! Before you light any more
Bang! Think about the folks next door


Pull over and sleep it off

When all your fears
Bring you to tears
Don’t suck it up
Top off your cup

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