Tag: Weapons

220916

220916
A reduction in poe-ah-trees

Did you realize
There have been fewer poems?
Two days a week now

220504

220504
#MTFBWY

Happy Star Wars Day!
May the 4th be with you all
And also with you

That Garsa Fwip
Sharp as a whip
She used to strip
When it was hip
You best not flip
Or lose your grip
‘Cause in a blip
She’ll make you trip
With just one quip
You’ll be a drip
So bite your lip
‘Cause you got zip

211222

211222
I can do this all day

So that was Hawkeye
Another show done
The season is over
When is the next one?
And so that was Hawkeye
I really had fun
The old nearly deaf one
Kate Bishop’s quite young
A very happy Marvel
An excelsior year
Can’t wait for the next one
It’s Moon Knight, I hear
It started with Wanda (-Hawkeye’s over-)
Then Bucky and Sam (-You should watch it-)
Now there’s more than one Loki (-Hawkeye’s over-)
Thor just said, “Goddamn!” (-Now-)
Black Widow and Shang-Chi (-Hawkeye’s over-)
What If…? had some fright (-You should watch it-)
Doc Ock and Green Goblin (-Hawkeye’s over-)
Three Spiders to fight (-Now-)
A very happy Marvel
An excelsior year
Except for Eternals
It’s bad, so I hear

211126

211126
Kate is in Clint’s class

There once was a Hawkeye named Barton
Who found a sidekick he could smarten
When Clint first met Thor
Cap, Tony and more
Kate Bishop was in kindergarten

211101

211101
It’s alive!

I was handing out candy, late last night
And I woke this morning at first light
And suddenly to my surprise
My Christmas tree began to rise
He did the smash – he did the pumpkin smash
The pumpkin smash – orange seeds in a splash
He did the smash – he threw guts in the trash
He did the smash – he did the pumpkin smash
From my back garden to my living room
He was smashing gourds for a pumpkin tomb
His allies came from the nurseries
They were hammer-wielding Christmas trees
They did the smash – they did the pumpkin smash
The pumpkin smash – orange seeds in a splash
They did the smash – they threw guts in the trash
They did the smash – they did the pumpkin smash

211025

211025
Zombie céilí

Everybody scream
Everybody yell
This is not a dream
It’s a scene from hell
Zombies are dancing at Copper Face Jacks
Not a single mask – not a single vax
Everybody dance
At the zombie rave
Crawling in a trance
From their fresh dug grave
Zombies are dining at Copper Face Jacks
They are eating fronts – they are eating backs
If you value life
Everybody run
Get yourself a knife
Get yourself a gun
Zombies are killing at Cooper Face Jacks
They’re hunting alone and roaming in packs

211015

211015
He has so much updog

There once was a vampire named Colin
His energy draining was ballin’
His weapon of choice
A monotone voice
Got everyone’s head to start lollin’

211008

211008
Beddy-bye time to die

There once was a nightmare named Freddy
Who always had blades at the ready
And every night
When kids would sleep tight
He’d stab them right through their stuffed teddy

210719

210719
Animate Objects FTW!

We were in a dungeon
At least six levels deep
I cast Animate Objects
I was a rock lobber!
Rock lobber – rock lobber
We were on a new plane
Everybody had leveled up
Somebody then opened a lock
And there they saw a vrock
It wasn’t a roc
I was a rock lobber
Rock lobber – rock lobber
Dwarf is a cleric, bard is halfling
Everybody’s clashin’ – everybody’s bashin’
Flyin’ over lava – gettin’ stunned
Blastin’ demons, blastin’ till it’s done
He was a big pest – we need a short rest
Pass the healing potion
Here comes a giant boar
There goes a manticore
In walked a blink dog
There goes a death dog
Chased by a werecat
In flew a sea hag
Watch out for that beholder
There goes a dragon
Here comes a demogorgon!

210423

210423
My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo

There once was a man from Toledo
Who had a voracious libido
If his tinder date
Was willing to mate
He’d sink her with his pink torpedo

210414

210414
Blood, privilege and cold

A new Cap in red, white and blue
Without serum, he’s just like you
He’s beaten up by two black chicks
A red-head girl gets in some kicks
His pride is hurt and so’s his friend
His means will justify the end
But will he change with this one vial?
Will he be good or become vile?
His hatefulness is now revealed
He’ll end you with his fucking shield!

210115

210115
Melodious membranophone

The bard with a golden kazoo
Plays melodies to help his crew
His weapon of choice
A vibrating voice
Which damages up the wazoo

210106

210106
Un bucking felievable

Jizztrumpet is an ass
The proud boys he did ask
Stand by – stand back – en masse
Then Capitol trespass
And Congress to harass
Not one of them has class
DC police now has
To shoot them with tear gas

201230

201230
It’s a trap!

2020 sucked
Help us 2021
You’re our only hope

201116

201116
Burnt Bingo

Jumped by fire elemental
And their treatment wasn’t gentle
Hours later, clothes still smolder
Makes me yearn for a beholder

201026

201026
Our last D&D session

We are gonna kill the monsters
But we didn’t kill the monsters
We are gonna kill the monsters
But we didn’t kill the monsters
We are gonna kill the monsters
But we didn’t kill the monsters
We are gonna kill the monsters
But we didn’t kill the monsters

200807

200807
Chunder bringer of thunder!

Now Bingo has gone on hiatus
He’ll come back again as the greatest
Soon he’ll polymorph
Until then this dwarf
A druid named Chunder my latest

200803

200803
The small woman

My tinkerer in Gloomhaven
Was a modest, moxie maven
She gave her coins to the Great Oak
And got some blessings to invoke
Her hardwork did unlock the Saw
And now retires with scant hoopla
She battled through a twelve game slog
I say goodbye to An Bhean Bheag

200727

200727
Not all adventures need dice

A castle up the old north road
An eerie, sinister abode
A brave but sad elf was our host
He said his wife was now a ghost
We wondered why she took her life
What caused this human so much strife?
It seems our host would leave for years
She found a man to stem the tears
But when her husband reappeared
Her lover fled – the worst was feared
She had two loves, but neither one
Was there to love, so she had none
She tried to leave but when she died
Her spirit was forever tied
The host asked us to do our best
To put the lady’s soul to rest
So we asked him to tell his tale
He did and cried a mournful wail
His spectral wife then felt his love
No longer chained, she flew above
No weapon drawn, no spell was cast
But we had done what we were asked

200720

200720
One halfling band

Every party needs a healer
And a solid damage dealer
Though most parties do not know it
They should always have a poet
If your fighter has gone AWOL
And your rogue can’t pick locks at all
If your caster takes a beating
While your cleric’s barely breathing
Leave it to the brave musician
To complete the crucial mission

200629

200629
Friends of Frenamath

A trio took a demon down
And won the favor of a town
His Holiness – benevolent
He smites foes quite malevolent
Some say that Voron is a sneak
Just ’cause it seems his fingers speak
The fighter plucked the demon’s heart
So locals thought they’d do their part
The scene of such a noble act
Now Ravnar’s Tower – that’s a fact!
You’d best not try to block their path
The heroes three of Frenamath!

200622

200622
Then pints were quaffed – seven or eight

A dungeon crawl to liberate
Some loot from those with no heart rate
Sarcophagus a heavy weight
The lid came off – a twist of fate
Stone statue then did animate
With one goal – to exterminate
The bard – then target of hulk’s hate
Rolled through the legs to separate
A crossbow aimed – the bolt flew straight
It found its mark – the giant great
Exploded in a spray of slate
The spoils were split with every mate

200608

200608
Killing kobolds

The kobolds thought that they’d do in
The bard and Lady Serafin
But they did not expect to see
This duo with ferocity
While Serafin got knocked about
The halfling took his crossbow out
The first bolt went into an eye
Now that’s a gruesome way to die
The next three bolts flew through the air
And found their marks with deadly flare
Poor Serafin was black and blue
A healing word made her anew
The lady yelled “now go to sleep!”
A hidden dagger was plunged deep
And now the legend can begin
The bard and Lady Serafin

191227

191227
She did and did not

There once was a Jedi named Daisy
Who made all the fanboys go crazy
When she used the force
They screamed until hoarse
Misogynist hatred is lazy

190826

190826
What a shit stain

Jizztrumpet is so insane
His sick and demented brain
Thinks that a bomb from a plane
Could destroy a hurricane

190531

190531
The right of way goes to the biggest guns

Car Wars will be back again
As games go, this one’s a ten
Flamethrowers and plasma guns
Wild weapons, this game has tons

190311

190311
Get the point?

Don’t mess with a woman named Niamh
They always keep knives up their sleeve
Don’t mess with a fella named Piaras
They carry sharp objects that pierce
Don’t mess with a woman named Medb
They might whack your head with a stave
Don’t mess with a fella named Aodh
They have been known to skin and flay
Don’t mess with the folks of the harp
They always have things that are sharp