220930

220930
Bats fly when you’re having fun

At midnight tonight
My birthday month is over
Then it’s spooky time!

220909

220909
The Boomtown Fats

The chocolate chips inside my mouth
Cause sugar overload
And nobody’s gonna send a text today
I’m gonna hide inside my home
And Brownie doesn’t understand it
I always eat till my belly’s swolled
And Linc can see no presents
‘Cause there are no presents
No presents for a man fully grown
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
My birthday suit don’t fit me now
Now, now, feel like a cow
Though it’s my birthday I’m feeling down right now
I’ve been eating cake for quite a while
I’ve swallowed too much and soon I’ll be learning
And the lesson today is don’t eat pie
And then the chip bag crackles and I have to tackle
Why I can’t see my feet or thighs
And I can see no presents
‘Cause there are no presents
Just candy wrappers piled up high, high, oh, oh oh!
And the chocolate chips inside my mouth
Cause sugar overload oh!
And nobody’s gonna send a text today
I’m gonna hide inside my home
And Brownie doesn’t understand it
I always eat till my belly’s swolled
And Linc can see no presents
‘Cause there are no presents
No presents for a man fully grown
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like I don’t like
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like I don’t like
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
(Makes me cry) I don’t like birthdays
My birthday suit don’t fit me now

220715

220715
At least he didn’t stab it

A nasty young man from Stab City
Would do things that weren’t very pretty
He once traveled east
And paid off a priest
To lick a Kilkenny nun’s kitty

220706

220706
It’s All-Ireland time

It’s time to plan our match watching bash
It’s time to see the clash of the ash
It’s time to hang the amber and black
It’s time for cats to get Liam back

220506

220506
Johnny Deppshit

I woke to the song of a birdy
And there next to me was a turdy
Well that isn’t right
What happened last night?
I must have slept with Amber Heard-y!

220422

220422
His willy got woolly

There once was a wild Irish rover
Who tended to sheep as a drover
One night on the piss
A ewe gave a kiss
Then each night he got drunk all over

220404

220404
Kingpin of Kilkenny

I like to sit around and roll
So I decide, I’m gonna bowl
I see the pins and throw the ball
I aim it straight to hit them all
The ball goes left, I hit but one
I roll again, that ball hits none
It’s been a while and that’s a fact
But honestly, I feel attacked
I hit just five in the next frame
Frames three through nine were much the same
I then decide I need to change
The balls I rolled, they all felt strange
They hurt my fingers quite a bit
I need a ball with holes that fit
I start to search the bowling hall
To find my Cinderella ball
There’s one behind a rubbish pile
My fingers fit, I start to smile
I slide it down the well-oiled lane
The red-necked pins explode with pain
Now that’s the bowling that I like
It took ten frames to bowl a strike
And now I get to throw twice more
Another strike! I start to roar!
Just like a bowler in their prime
I get a third, it’s turkey time!
So if you’re feeling in the pits
Just find yourself a hole that fits

220401

220401
Stand up and be counted

This weekend I fill out the census
I make sure that I’m conscientious
I count every cat
Dog, spider and rat
In order to reach a consensus

220204

220204
Every hen needs a cock

I met a young hottie at Ryan’s
Her friends were all sevens to nines
But she was a ten
A bride on her hen
Our weekend was late nights and lie ins

220128

220128
Goodbye Silver Brick Road

I’m a little bit fuzzy
Got thick fur outside
When there’s a full moon
I must secretly hide
I don’t have much worry – bud
Since I’ve been bit
I pee like a dog now
And sniff their shit
I used to wear silver, ha
But now it brings woe
And it’s weird when the sun sets
That my nails start to grow
This curse is too much
‘Cause now I need flea shampoo
If I bite your leg, I’ll give it to you
And you can turn at the full moon
And run with the packs
You might get quite furry, and
Like Scooby snacks
Werewolves are maligned
Werewolves are maligned
They are put down by words
But they keep on howling
While their tails are curled

220121

220121
K-I-S-S-I-G-88

Boba Fett and Fennec Shand
Riding on a bantha’s back
Chasing Niktos on the sand
End them with a swift attack
Fennec Shand and Boba Fett
Piloting a Firespray
Settling another debt
Hunting Pykes – this is the way

211215

211215
Bacardi party

The office Christmas party fun
Was started with Bacardi rum
The punch was spiked, the bongs were lit
And HR didn’t give a shit
The mistletoe was hung with care
Above the boss’s derrière
The secretaries did burlesque
While interns banged upon a desk
The salesmen want to get ahead
But it’s too hard, that’s what she said
Then Santa came in through the rear
That’s when the party got in gear
While eating snacks and drinking beer
He punched an elf and shot eight deer
This should have ended his career
But he’ll be back same time next year

211119

211119
Banging Bruins

There once was a Bruin named Josie
And she had a boyfriend named Joe, see?
So Josie and Joe
Would bang to and fro
They humped from the Rose Bowl to OC

210927

210927
Going off the furrow

I don’t know what I’m drinking
I’ve fallen off three wagons
My brain has started thinking
Do all dungeons have dragons?
Can you cry under water?
Did Prince own any plain clothes?
Does laughter lead to slaughter?
Do unicorns fart rainbows?

210910

210910
Straight from the horse’s ass

There once was a man from Tacoma
Who unleashed a deadly aroma
He took the horse pill
Which made his butt ill
And put the whole town in a coma

210903

210903
Mayo for Sam!

The folks in Mayo have the reek
Some people climb it every week
They pray to god and kill a lamb
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

Sligo and Leitrim both were beat
The tribesmen soon met their defeat
They told those Dublin lads to scram
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

In Westport there is red and green
The likes of which are rarely seen
Though Galway might not give a damn
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

It’s been a long time since they’ve won
The last time – 1951
They’ll prove the curse was just a sham
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

210830

210830
Peanut butter fish

Jellyfish jellyfish
Laying on the sand
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my hand
Jellyfish jellyfish
Dying in this heat
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my feet
Jellyfish jellyfish
Sitting on the rock
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my cock

210827

210827
Yeah!

I like Fish Heads by Art and Artie
I play that song at every party
The lyrics are dumb
I eat them up yum
They’re nutritious, healthy and hearty

210730

210730
Now that’s a hen party!

The ladies all love charming Bingo
And also his Pegasus Wingo
They give blushing brides
Wild pre-wedding rides
Together they lustfully sing-o

210719

210719
Animate Objects FTW!

We were in a dungeon
At least six levels deep
I cast Animate Objects
I was a rock lobber!
Rock lobber – rock lobber
We were on a new plane
Everybody had leveled up
Somebody then opened a lock
And there they saw a vrock
It wasn’t a roc
I was a rock lobber
Rock lobber – rock lobber
Dwarf is a cleric, bard is halfling
Everybody’s clashin’ – everybody’s bashin’
Flyin’ over lava – gettin’ stunned
Blastin’ demons, blastin’ till it’s done
He was a big pest – we need a short rest
Pass the healing potion
Here comes a giant boar
There goes a manticore
In walked a blink dog
There goes a death dog
Chased by a werecat
In flew a sea hag
Watch out for that beholder
There goes a dragon
Here comes a demogorgon!

210519

210519
Birthday bear hugs

Happy birthday to Louise
You should do all that you please
Drink white wine, and eat sharp cheese
Teach the world like Socrates
Celebrate your expertise
Hope you get an ursine squeeze

210310

210310
The Killin’ Irish!

I’m glad I’m not a bride
And living in Kilbride
I’d never drive my car
So near to Kilmacar
Way down in Kilmacow
I’d hate to be a cow
And in Killinaspick
I’d hate to be a cow

210219

210219
Ted fled

To Cancún Ted chose to go Cruzin’
Which Texans did not find amusin’
While his poodle froze
He packed up his clothes
And showed how a loser does losin’

210215

210215
Chunder the wonder jockey

A dwarf was in a Dino race
You should have seen his smiling face
They started at a mighty pace
He fell behind but soon gave chase
Though his first time, he rode with grace
Beginners luck could be the case
That dwarf he rode just like an ace
And so he finished in first place!

210111

210111
Legs 11 day

All the twos – twenty-two
Quack quack – two ducks – mark them blue
Six and nine – sixty-nine
A sixty-nine sure would be fine
Five and three – fifty-three
Three-in-a-row, that’s quite lucky
Three and four – thirty-four
I have the sweats, I need one more
Eight and one – eighty-one
I have a check – Yes, I have won!

201221

201221
It’s raining deer – Merry Christmas

This has been a shitty year
So to bring some festive cheer
Brownie, Linc and I have gear
Wearing antlers like reindeer
Do they look good? I can’t tell
My yoke has a little bell
Brownie’s antlers look real swell
Linc thinks I should go to hell

201202

201202
He’s a goofball

I caught my tail, so I’m a good boy
I ate the mail, so I’m a good boy
I bark real big, so I’m a good boy
I eat like pig, so I’m a good boy
I chase the cat, so I’m a good boy
I’m getting fat, so I’m a good boy
I sleep all day, so I’m a good boy
I never stay, so I’m a good boy
I shed real bad, so I’m a good boy
I love my dad, so I’m a good boy

201130

201130
Brownie caught his tail

Linc caught a mouse
Inside our house
He did it twice
He caught two mice
He thinks it’s fun
I hope he’s done

201002

201002
Hope they try bleach

The virus that’s bad for angina
Has spread far from Wuhan in China
From a flying mouse
Into the White House
Transported in Hope Hicks’ vagina

200824

200824
Color me bad

Do bronze prawns wear long johns?
A black yak might blow his stack
A blue gnu would be cuckoo
A pink mink would make you think
A teal seal would be unreal
A peach leech – you must impeach

200701

200701
I didn’t kiss it!

Most every day, I walk my dog
And on one walk, we found a frog
It was not jumping on a log
Or hiding in a stinky bog
We found it near a busy road
Perhaps in fact it was a toad
It hopped around and never slowed
So I walked home to my abode