A callous phallus

The old man next door is a meanie
A fascist just like Mussolini
He’s no treats just tricks
This ghoul has no fix
He suffers from small hollow weenie


Slip of the tongue

I learned this when I was young
And since then I’ve fairly flung
If like me you are well tongue
Doesn’t matter how you’re hung


Chilly Willie’s willy

There once was a skier named Willie
Who never was warm, but was chilly
The story was told
He always was cold
And ended up with shrinking willy


So don’t let her get near your penis

There once was a dental hygienist
Who had a hot body like Venus
But she had a smell
The ninth ring of hell
Her own holes were far from the cleanest


So many options

As a yank
Should I wank
Till there’s nothing in the tank?
As a mick
Should I flick
Rapidly upon my dick?
As a chap
Should I slap
My salami and then nap?


He kept his black heart in a freezer

There once was a nasty old geezer
A Scrooge by the name Ebenezer
He acted that way
Since it took all day
To find his small dick with a tweezer


Big Mouth is big fun

There once was a monster named Maury
A big, hairy dick allegory
Created by Kroll
He’s kind of a troll
Who helps young teens with nutting glory


Alice Nelson and the Brady Grail

There once was a housemaid named Alice
Who liked to clean Mike Brady’s phallus
She’d rub and tug it
Then lickety split
She’d drain it like the holy chalice


Knackered in Kilkenny

I went and joined Tinder and Bumble
So my self confidence could crumble
I thought I’d be a master dater
Instead I’m still a masturbater


He put a dongle up his dingle

A lad with a USB cable
Inserted it ’cause he was able
He tried this strange trick
To measure his dick
It’s totally true – not a fable


Peanut butter fish

Jellyfish jellyfish
Laying on the sand
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my hand
Jellyfish jellyfish
Dying in this heat
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my feet
Jellyfish jellyfish
Sitting on the rock
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my cock


She took all the juice from the humpback

There once was a surfer named Lulu
Who rode big waves in Honolulu
She also rode Ken
Who hung more than ten
His longboard would make her go cuckoo


A wee bit of divil in her

A handsome young devil named Kevin
Took hundreds of women to heaven
When his dick got straight
It far surpassed eight
And went all the way to eleven


Dapper fapper

The dandy who dressed rather spiffy
Requested relief in a jiffy
His quaintrelle masseuse
Did swiftly deduce
His stress was contained in his stiffy


Who converted whom?

There once was a Mormon on mission
Who learned he’d a unique condition
When he would convert
He then couldn’t squirt
Unless in the doggie position


Taoiseach Me-hole!

A Martin named Micheál is Taoiseach
This leak about him gives a wee shock
He has beady eyes
Because ‘tween his thighs
He has trouble finding his wee cock


I thought the day would never come

This year needs a fucking conclusion
Impeached due to Russian collusion
Then masks that cause facial contusion
We’ve all suffered from forced seclusion
We can’t have a big celebration
But one thing will bring jubilation
And comfort to every nation…
Spontaneous ejaculation!!!


The dream before Xmas

‘Twas a week before Christmas, and all over town
All the talk about COVID was bringing me down
I wanted to snuggle and spoon in a bed
With a winsome woman who loves giving head
And what do my wondering eyes should appear
But a sweet Irish lass to bring me good cheer
She sat on my lap, and she rubbed on my dick
If she kept that friction, I knew I’d come quick
I needed her badly – to unload my sack
So onto the mattress, and there she lay back
I kissed down below – I kissed on her belly
Her perky tits heaved and jiggled like jelly
A wink of her eye, and a roll ’round the bed
She drained Santa’s sack, and then left me for dead
I was to bring gifts to some kids up the road
But here with this lass I had dropped my whole load
As I left the temptress who looked out of sight
“Happy Christmas to me, I’ve had such a good night!”


Leomund’s Tiny Hut

Needing a short rest
For his awesome quest
Bingo cast a spell
For a place to dwell
That spell built a hut
For his tiny butt
Then he sang a song
‘Bout his tiny schlong


His semen created more seamen

A seafarer from Ballintubber
Encountered a buxom land lubber
But his one night stand
Got way out of hand
His blubber had ruptured the rubber


A king’s scepter has a knob on the end

There once was a princess named Annie
Who married a king known as Manny
She ruled the demesne
The bedroom his reign
His scepter would dictate her fanny


Inches > Centimeters

There once was a fella named Kevin
Who claimed his dick went to eleven
He played truth or dare
They dared him to share
He barely whipped out half of seven


Yes, mistress!

There once was a mistress named Megan
She’d often leave wealthy men beggin’
She’d start with a tease
Then quick as you please
She’d bugger them good with a peggin’


Sorry about the mess!

Since I’m Solo now
A good Han is important
I often shoot first


That flick with his tail – quite a tricky

There once was a rodent named Mickey
Who asked Minnie Mouse for a quickie
She laughed in his face
That being the case
He banged Betty Boop with his dickey


Armadillo in his trousers

There once was a fella named Noel
Some say he was hung like a foal
He tried to pooh-pooh
But everyone knew
That lump in his pants wasn’t coal


We got this or else we’ll get that

I stay home to be complying
It ain’t great, but it beats dying
Keeping up my social distance
To continue this existence
Tons to do in isolation
Solo games and masturbation
Reading books and fighting sorrow
Wonder what I’ll do tomorrow…


Tinder tips

Today I was contemplating
If I should share tips for dating
Do not buy whiskey for Clodagh
She only drinks diet soda
You should not argue with Áine
She’ll throw you down and sit on ya
Don’t lend your money to Bronagh
She will not pay back one Krona
Be careful if you bang Fiadh
She gave a “friend” gonorrhea
Hope this did not make you sleepy
Why does it hurt when I peepee?


V for the D

Some cringe when they see VD Day
Cause VD’s a pain in the A
To them VD’s an STD
That feels like burning when they pee
And if you still abbreviate
Some Facebook friends will postulate
That you just want the world to see
You have a V for your wee D


7″ wonder of the world

A tourist who visited Agra
Decided to tryout viagra
At the Taj Mahal
He swallowed them all
His balls emptied just like Niagara


Kept her busy

This lass took her lad, and she showed him
To my doctor friend, and I quote him
“This guy in Tralee
Has not two but three!
That’s why he’s known as Frankenscrotum”

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