221125

221125
The Late Late Toy Show

A TV presenter named Ryan
Shows kids toys that we should be buyin’
We look at that junk
To get good and drunk
And have a nice Saturday lie in

221122

221122
Happy Thanksgiving 2022

I’m thankful for family and friends
I’m thankful for family that are my friends
I’m thankful for friends that are my family
I’m thankful for living in Ireland
I’m thankful for living in Kilkenny
I’m thankful for living with Brownie, Linc and Jeanne
I’m thankful for 54 First Dates that didn’t work
I’m thankful for 1 First Date that did
I’m thankful for no more First Dates

220810

220810
Cold pints will have to do

It’s hot this August night
To me, it’s a delight
The Irish think it’s not
To them it’s too damn hot
They’re sweating in this heat
And melting in the street
There’s nowhere they can be
The pubs don’t have AC!

220727

220727
What would you do for a Choco Taco?

Pour one out for Choco Taco
You can’t get one in Morocco
They’ve been canceled in Samoa
You can’t get one any more
They’re gone in Texas and New York
They can’t be found in County Cork
Choco Taco fans are grieving
For these treats they’re not receiving

220715

220715
At least he didn’t stab it

A nasty young man from Stab City
Would do things that weren’t very pretty
He once traveled east
And paid off a priest
To lick a Kilkenny nun’s kitty

220706

220706
It’s All-Ireland time

It’s time to plan our match watching bash
It’s time to see the clash of the ash
It’s time to hang the amber and black
It’s time for cats to get Liam back

220704

220704
Happy treason day

In the US, all good things are gone
I loved it all my life
But I moved to start again
To get away from hate and strife
I thank my lucky stars
To be living here today
‘Cause this flag still stands for freedom
And they can’t take that away
And I’m proud to be an Irishman
Where at least I know I’m free
And I won’t forget the Jizztrumpet
He fucked my old country
And I’d gladly stand up at the bar
And get asked, “Are you okay?”
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt
That christians have
Ruined the USA

220627

220627
Lavatory lamentation

On a bus for transportation
Corcaigh is my destination
Traffic means a hesitation
Causing much exasperation
I would like to bring cessation
To my need for urination
With a sense of desperation
To the jacks with trepidation
Odor is a foul sensation
I hold on for concentration
Need to get some relaxation
Waiting for piss termination
Pull my pants up with elation
Back to seat for the duration
Silently in celebration
Waiting for the final station

220624

220624
Everything in the rain

An Irish summer
Means fun activities like
Camping in the rain

220620

220620
Once a year

A day before the yanks agree
It’s summer from Muff to Tralee
The sun is hot, the sky is blue
The ice cream shop has quite a queue
It’s time for shorts and sunny smiles
On hilltops you can see for miles
The kind of day when Irish cheer
‘Cause summer comes one day a year

220513

220513
I’m going back to Cali

I’m going back, but I’m not going home
I’m gonna see mom, dad, Tom and Jerome
I’m gonna go back to where I’m the Pope
I’m gonna eat tacos and smoke some dope
I’m not going home, but I’m going back
I’m gonna see friends like a maniac
I’m gonna play games and walk in the sun
And then I’ll go home when all of that’s done

220511

220511
To be the man, you got to drive the van!

Last night I drove a campervan
I drove it from Kildare
I drove it like the Macho Man
I drove it like Ric Flair
I drove the camper for a friend
I drove it to their pad
I’ll drive the campervan again
Or else I will be sad

220502

220502
A trip to Mahon Falls

I traveled on a magic road
To see the falls that freely flowed
Partaking in the vivid views
Considering which path to choose
I could go back the normal way
But I could do that any day
I feel I’ve hit the motherload
So I’ll stay on this magic road

220418

220418
Not welcome in Woodstock

By the time we got to Woodstock
I just had to make a wee
And everywhere was a tree
For my urination
And then I saw the Brownie Bear
Squatting next to three small guys
Turning laughter into cries
By his defecation
We were busted, we were scolded
So we had to beg for our pardon
And we’re not allowed to go
Back to the garden

220323

220323
I feel fine

Late to the party
Two years after it began
I blame Paddy’s Day

220316

220316
Kiss me I’m a yank

Kiss me I’m Irish, that’s what I would say
Back when I was in the US of A
Now I’m in Ireland, and lassies don’t care
I say I’m Irish, and they blankly stare
Kiss me I’m yankee, that just doesn’t work
I won’t get a kiss, I’ll feel like a jerk
I put on my green, I hope and I pray
That I’ll get a kiss on St. Patrick’s Day

220314

220314
32 shades of green

Kilkenny’s green, and so’s Kildare
Roscommon, Galway, Laois and Clare
Limerick’s as green as Irish stew
They’re green in Tipperary too
It’s green in Carlow and Westmeath
In Wicklow, Offaly and Meath
They’re green in Cork and Dublin town
But not up north in County Down
The west is green, and so’s the south
The east is green way up to Louth
Fermanagh is a green-free zone
As well as Armagh and Tyrone
There’s none more green than Kerry fair
But not so in the Derry air
In Antrim, giants walk the sea
While Leitrim’s as green as can be
Six Ulster counties are not green
Why was the UK so damn mean?
It’s weird that Cavan, Monaghan
And Donegal weren’t in their plan
The Fords of Water, Wex and Long
Still think the British got it wrong
The greens of Sligo and Mayo
Want Brits to give back what they owe
Until six counties change their hue
It won’t be green in 32

220307

220307
It ain’t easy being green

They raised the price to light a light
And that increase was total shite
This tax came in because the greens
Said we should not use some machines
But their machines are fairly dear
And you can hardly get them here
To make things worse, inflation hit
And we still knew their plan was shit
They’re giving us 200 quid
So we’ll forget just what they did
I’ll take that dough and make a bet
That Irish voters won’t forget

220302

220302
Long days and pleasant nights

It happens every year
True Irish far and near
Will see the sun and cheer
The grand auld stretch is here!

220207

220207
I get weird

I know the Irish think I’m strange
But there’s no way I’m gonna change
I’m weird as fuck all night and day
And weird as fuck is how I’ll stay

220117

220117
N stands for knowledgeable

I once was told to go to hell
But I could not drive there
I have a license now – that’s swell
Still I’m going nowhere
I should be good and happy that
I cannot get to hell
If they don’t have my dog and cat
It’s probably just as well

220103

220103
So many options

As a yank
Should I wank
Till there’s nothing in the tank?
Or
As a mick
Should I flick
Rapidly upon my dick?
Or
As a chap
Should I slap
My salami and then nap?

211224

211224
Christmas with the cats

It’s time for joy and festive cheer
But things are different this year
I could not get back to the states
So now I’ll spend it with me mates
They’re wearing black and amber hats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
It’s not the same and that’s ok
I’ll celebrate a brand new way
Just like LA it won’t be white
But over here, the weather’s shite
My parents send me online chats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I want to party till it’s late
But this year pubs will close at eight
No ugly sweaters on display
No pub crawls on St. Stephen’s Day
I blame the feckin’ bureaucrats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I have to bring a biscuit tin
Or else my friends won’t let me in
The wine is mulled, the pudding’s plum
The pies have mince, yeah that sounds dumb
The yummy sweets – the tasty fats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats

211220

211220
Brighter days ahead

It’s winter solstice
The shortest day of the year
Sunlight is coming!

211129

211129
I even checked my butthole

I have a thing I cannot find
I think I’ve gone and lost my mind
There was a time I had it here
But it’s been gone at least a year
I’ve checked the closets and the drawers
I’ve checked the ceilings and the floors
My mind is not inside my head
Nor is it hiding ‘neath the bed
I’ve looked outside and under there
I just made you say underwear
I’ve searched around the potted plants
And in the pockets of my pants
My Irish friends just laughed I swear
‘Cause pants to them mean underwear
I really hope it’s just misplaced
A mind’s an awful thing to waste
But if it’s gone, I will be fine
As long as one thing’s always mine
I must keep it at any cost
My sense of humor can’t be lost

211025

211025
Zombie céilí

Everybody scream
Everybody yell
This is not a dream
It’s a scene from hell
Zombies are dancing at Copper Face Jacks
Not a single mask – not a single vax
Everybody dance
At the zombie rave
Crawling in a trance
From their fresh dug grave
Zombies are dining at Copper Face Jacks
They are eating fronts – they are eating backs
If you value life
Everybody run
Get yourself a knife
Get yourself a gun
Zombies are killing at Cooper Face Jacks
They’re hunting alone and roaming in packs

210924

210924
Teeny broad the naked barber of Main Street

There once was a lass from Youghal Harbour
Who grew up to work as a barber
She thought clothes were rude
So she cut hair nude
The nuns in town wanted to garb her

210913

210913
Curable curse

The Mayo lads have lost again
Some say it is a curse
The crime committed by those men?
Not stopping for a hearse
In ’51 the jinx was cast
And only one remains
The rest are gone, he is the last
To rid Mayo of pains
But Dr. Mick is not to blame
For chances that were missed
Next year they’ll need to work on aim
And then Sam will be kissed

210903

210903
Mayo for Sam!

The folks in Mayo have the reek
Some people climb it every week
They pray to god and kill a lamb
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

Sligo and Leitrim both were beat
The tribesmen soon met their defeat
They told those Dublin lads to scram
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

In Westport there is red and green
The likes of which are rarely seen
Though Galway might not give a damn
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

It’s been a long time since they’ve won
The last time – 1951
They’ll prove the curse was just a sham
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

210723

210723
Weather or not

Another scorcher
Not a thunderstorm in sight
Fuck you Met Éireann

210712

210712
#ItsGoingRome

England suffers from football fate
They forgot to close the Southgate
Rashford, Sancho and young Saka
At penalties, they were caca
But here across the Irish Sea
No tears were shed for those missed three
We celebrate – #ItsGoingRome
Meanwhile our team never left home