The Late Late Toy Show

A TV presenter named Ryan
Shows kids toys that we should be buyin’
We look at that junk
To get good and drunk
And have a nice Saturday lie in


Pink man cave

I’ve gone and changed my upstairs room
To start, I cleaned it with a broom
I picked up rubbish from the ground
Then moved the furniture around
It has a TV and loveseat
The LEGO wall looks pretty neat
I put my desk and laptop there
It also has a rolling chair
The clincher is a spinning bike
And I can ride it when I like
Work, exercise, play, watch and rest
My office/man cave is the best


What I think of Linc

I used to think that Linc was cool
The kind of cat that I adore
But now he covers me in drool
And knocks my LEGO on the floor


Semen on a demon

There is a demon on a shelf
He wears the skin of Santa’s elf
He keeps an eye on girls and boys
To rob them of their Christmas toys
He tells their parents they’ve been bad
Because he loves when kids are sad
He tells such lies with hateful glee
So you’ll get nothing ‘neath the tree
No bikes to ride or games to play
And when he ruins Christmas Day
He hides behind the cups and delph
That demon can go fuck himself!


Merry birthday

‘Twas the night before birthday, and inside my place
Linc and Brownie are sitting in front of my face
I’m trying to watch Parks and Rec season two
But these selfish monsters are blocking my view
They don’t have a cake and not even one toy
But they want to be near a good little boy
Now Brownie, now Lincoln, if you’ll both sit still
We’ll give brand new meaning to Netflix and chill


Show me the Monet!

My LEGO art is on the wall
It’s George and Ringo, John and Paul
The Beatle dudes in LEGO dots
I love this art, I love it lots


Yes he is!

Brownie is a good boy
So he gets his good toy
Wagging his tail with joy
Brownie is a good boy


Goofy for LEGO Disney

I’m working on my LEGO train
It helps to make me less insane
With Mickey, Minnie, Chip and Dale
This Disney train is off the rail
It even has a Goofy too
And 18 bags until I’m through
Around the tracks the cars will cruise
To help allay my Rona blues


That must have been some doll

I really hope this Festivus
Brings good cheer for the rest of us
I’ll win the feats of strength no doubt
And grievances may get aired out
But there’s no hate around my pole
While Black Pete brings you lumps of coal
There had to be another way
And Festivus became that day
Remember in just two days time
The Christmas bells will start to chime
For peace on earth, goodwill to all
Who bought their son a lovely doll


Brownie Joel

It’s one o’clock on a sunny day
Thinking about staying in
There’s a brown dog laying next to me
He wants to go walking again

He says, “Dad, can you please take me walking now?
Would you please put down your LEGOs?
‘Cause I’m good and I’m sweet and I need a nice treat
I need to sniff grass with my nose”

Ruf, ruf, ruf, barky bark
Ruf, ruf, barky bark ba-bark

Gimme a walk, I’m the Brownie Bear
Gimme a walk, please dad
‘Cause I love sniffing grass when it’s sunny out
And it makes me happy and glad”


Toad is a dick!

Raphael has a pointy sai
Captain Mal has a Firefly
GI Joe has a kung fu grip
Jizztrumpet has a mushroom tip
Ms Pac-Man has a cute hair bow
These are things that I can’t unknow


I chose warmly

Found a gift card in my pocket
Added shopping to my docket
Wanted to buy some more LEGOs
But instead I got some warm clothes


Not an #AltFact

There’s no greater pain
Than stepping on a Lego
While holding a cat


1 in 68 American kids

Autistics aren’t deaf, dumb and blind
But each one is one-of-a-kind
Sometimes they stack or group their toys
Or show distress when near loud noise
Compulsion and repetition
Lack of facial recognition
Though stars made it a sensation
It’s not caused by vaccination
The only thing that can be cured
Is stop using the mean R-word


Did you get it?

Did you get a Barbie doll?
Did you get a basketball?
Did you get a brand new car?
Did you get a steel guitar?
Did you get that fun new game?
Did you get a picture frame?
Did you get a gold iPhone?
Did you get some sweet cologne?
Did you get the xbox one?
Did you get a BB gun?
Did you get a racing bike?
Did you get that thing you like?
Did you get a choo choo train?
Did you get a golden chain?
Did you get a chia pet?
Did you get a clarinet?
As we eat our Christmas spread
Think of those without a bed
There are folks that just want life
For their brother or their wife
There are kids out in the street
Looking for a scrap to eat
Is there something you can do
To help make these dreams come true?


And to all a good night!

A Visit from St. Nicholas
By Clement Clarke Moore

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blixen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too—
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack.
His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”


Don’t give her Play Doh

There once was a woman from Orcutt
She was crazy, a bit of a nut
She found a huge box
Full of Lego blocks
Which she built in the shape of a butt


Unsafe and insane

Happy 4th of July eve
Here’s something you won’t believe
Uncle Sam will fly his sleigh
Through the night and all the day
To bring good girls and good boys
Pyromaniacal toys
He spreads them all over town
To burn your house to the ground


They come with guarantees

There once was a toy called Sea-Monkeys
They were the kings of the seven seas
Though only brine shrimp
More fish food than chimp
Watching them swim would put you at ease


I <3 Mom & Dad

Happy Anniversary Dad and Mom
You’ve been married for 47 years
You did a good job with me, James and Tom
Seeing us through good times, blood, sweat and tears
Buena Park was a good place to raise boys
The schools were good, and the crime wasn’t bad
We had enough food; we had enough toys
We had enough love, so thanks Mom and Dad!


Use the cash Luca$

Disney is doing what Lucas wouldn’t
But some fanboys think the mouse house shouldn’t
They picked a guy that penned a Toy Story
Will he bring the franchise back to glory?
Does Star Trek helmer know about the force?
Luke should never say, “Sulu, plot a course!”
Lastly, the prequels were so full of suck
They will need a kiss from Leia “for luck”

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