221014

221014
He plundered her booty

There once was a pirate named Aodhán
Who had a real knack for pursuadin’
A fine Irish lass
To show him her ass
And then he’d commence with invadin’

220923

220923
If the campervan’s a rockin’…

In autumn it can get quite chilly
And camping might seem pretty silly
To keep warm at night
We snuggle real tight
And play hide and seek with my willy

220920

220920
50 first dates at 50

When you get to 50
Dating ain’t so nifty
All this endless dating
Made me end up hating
The whole dating process
So I cut my losses
Now, instead of dating
I’m home masturbating

220819

220819
She wasn’t that choosy

There once was a woman named Susie
Who everyone called the town floozy
Gross men by the score
Would party and more
Right there in her filthy jacuzzi

220812

220812
Is it in yet?

I push it in and pull it out
I see her lips begin to pout
I’m breathing hard and start to sweat
She bluntly asks, “is it in yet?”
I pull it out and push it in
I look at her, and we both grin
Our bodies heave in ecstasy
I just plugged in the USB

220805

220805
100% chance of moisture

There was a young lass named Delaney
Who liked her boys rugged and brainy
When students with pecks
Would read books and flex
She’d get wet though it wasn’t rainy

220722

220722
Good to the last drop

A pretty lass went to São Paulo
Her faithful boyfriend he did follow
He rubbed tired feet
And lowered the seat
‘Cause he found a girl that would swallow

220715

220715
At least he didn’t stab it

A nasty young man from Stab City
Would do things that weren’t very pretty
He once traveled east
And paid off a priest
To lick a Kilkenny nun’s kitty

220708

220708
Them’s the breaks

A failed PM tories call Boris
Is featured in Roget’s Thesaurus
Synonymously
Five entries has he
Dick, asshole, cock, twat, and clitoris

220610

220610
Slip of the tongue

I learned this when I was young
And since then I’ve fairly flung
If like me you are well tongue
Doesn’t matter how you’re hung

220603

220603
Or not so secretly

There once was a man who was creepy
He’d often pretend to be sleepy
His snoring was fake
He’d lay there awake
And secretly rub on his pee pee

220527

220527
Me encanta tu plátano

There once was a man from Salinas
Who only went out with latinas
He loved snappy sass
Their apple-shaped ass
And they preferred his curvy penis

220520

220520
Fruit Salad

A swimmer who lived in Fontana
Got undressed inside a cabana
A woman walked in
And started to grin
When she saw his peach and banana

220429

220429
Click click

There once was a ginger named Rusty
Who had affairs torrid and lusty
He often spilled seed
But he did not breed
He shot blanks with balls that were dusty

220318

220318
Four-way hentai

There was a kaiju from Manila
Who thought his sex life too vanilla
He paid the madame
For wham-bang-and-bam
With Mothra, Rodan and Godzilla

220228

220228
It could happen

Most folks said
Old man Fred
Was found dead
In his bed

No tears shed
For old Fred
Some folks said
Dead from head

220221

220221
So much in common

He likes to talk
She likes to walk
He likes to dine
She likes red wine
He likes TV
She likes the sea
He likes to screw
She likes it too

220211

220211
She had an amazing opening

A woman who lived in Hoboken
Would argue ’cause she was outspoken
A champ at debate
Her oral was great
Then rebut that she needed pokin’

220204

220204
Every hen needs a cock

I met a young hottie at Ryan’s
Her friends were all sevens to nines
But she was a ten
A bride on her hen
Our weekend was late nights and lie ins

220107

220107
I don’t think she meant tobacco

The things that I do on the shitter…
Like scrolling through nonsense on Twitter
A raging debate
That caused so much hate?
A lass said she’s always a spitter

220103

220103
So many options

As a yank
Should I wank
Till there’s nothing in the tank?
Or
As a mick
Should I flick
Rapidly upon my dick?
Or
As a chap
Should I slap
My salami and then nap?

211215

211215
Bacardi party

The office Christmas party fun
Was started with Bacardi rum
The punch was spiked, the bongs were lit
And HR didn’t give a shit
The mistletoe was hung with care
Above the boss’s derrière
The secretaries did burlesque
While interns banged upon a desk
The salesmen want to get ahead
But it’s too hard, that’s what she said
Then Santa came in through the rear
That’s when the party got in gear
While eating snacks and drinking beer
He punched an elf and shot eight deer
This should have ended his career
But he’ll be back same time next year

211203

211203
Oh my gourd!

A couple named Pumpkin and Peter
Were cold so they sat by the heater
Pete wanted a bite
But try as he might
She was so hard, he couldn’t eat her

211119

211119
Banging Bruins

There once was a Bruin named Josie
And she had a boyfriend named Joe, see?
So Josie and Joe
Would bang to and fro
They humped from the Rose Bowl to OC

211112

211112
Big Mouth is big fun

There once was a monster named Maury
A big, hairy dick allegory
Created by Kroll
He’s kind of a troll
Who helps young teens with nutting glory

211105

211105
Alice Nelson and the Brady Grail

There once was a housemaid named Alice
Who liked to clean Mike Brady’s phallus
She’d rub and tug it
Then lickety split
She’d drain it like the holy chalice

211103

211103
Knackered in Kilkenny

I went and joined Tinder and Bumble
So my self confidence could crumble
I thought I’d be a master dater
Instead I’m still a masturbater

211022

211022
It’s good to be the queen

There once was a monarch named Betty
Who liked sex with men who were petty
If they had small minds
And sturdy behinds
They’d frivolously get all sweaty

210730

210730
Now that’s a hen party!

The ladies all love charming Bingo
And also his Pegasus Wingo
They give blushing brides
Wild pre-wedding rides
Together they lustfully sing-o

210716

210716
She took all the juice from the humpback

There once was a surfer named Lulu
Who rode big waves in Honolulu
She also rode Ken
Who hung more than ten
His longboard would make her go cuckoo

210702

210702
A wee bit of divil in her

A handsome young devil named Kevin
Took hundreds of women to heaven
When his dick got straight
It far surpassed eight
And went all the way to eleven