220704

220704
Happy treason day

In the US, all good things are gone
I loved it all my life
But I moved to start again
To get away from hate and strife
I thank my lucky stars
To be living here today
‘Cause this flag still stands for freedom
And they can’t take that away
And I’m proud to be an Irishman
Where at least I know I’m free
And I won’t forget the Jizztrumpet
He fucked my old country
And I’d gladly stand up at the bar
And get asked, “Are you okay?”
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt
That christians have
Ruined the USA

220418

220418
Not welcome in Woodstock

By the time we got to Woodstock
I just had to make a wee
And everywhere was a tree
For my urination
And then I saw the Brownie Bear
Squatting next to three small guys
Turning laughter into cries
By his defecation
We were busted, we were scolded
So we had to beg for our pardon
And we’re not allowed to go
Back to the garden

220128

220128
Goodbye Silver Brick Road

I’m a little bit fuzzy
Got thick fur outside
When there’s a full moon
I must secretly hide
I don’t have much worry – bud
Since I’ve been bit
I pee like a dog now
And sniff their shit
I used to wear silver, ha
But now it brings woe
And it’s weird when the sun sets
That my nails start to grow
This curse is too much
‘Cause now I need flea shampoo
If I bite your leg, I’ll give it to you
And you can turn at the full moon
And run with the packs
You might get quite furry, and
Like Scooby snacks
Werewolves are maligned
Werewolves are maligned
They are put down by words
But they keep on howling
While their tails are curled

220114

220114
Happy birthday Brownie!

A dog was born ten years ago
His fur is brown, like cookie dough
He isn’t bright, a little dense
His head is stupidly immense
He’d sell his soul to get a treat
But most of all that dog is sweet
I’ll sing him this, but he won’t care
Oh happy birthday Brownie Bear!

211222

211222
I can do this all day

So that was Hawkeye
Another show done
The season is over
When is the next one?
And so that was Hawkeye
I really had fun
The old nearly deaf one
Kate Bishop’s quite young
A very happy Marvel
An excelsior year
Can’t wait for the next one
It’s Moon Knight, I hear
It started with Wanda (-Hawkeye’s over-)
Then Bucky and Sam (-You should watch it-)
Now there’s more than one Loki (-Hawkeye’s over-)
Thor just said, “Goddamn!” (-Now-)
Black Widow and Shang-Chi (-Hawkeye’s over-)
What If…? had some fright (-You should watch it-)
Doc Ock and Green Goblin (-Hawkeye’s over-)
Three Spiders to fight (-Now-)
A very happy Marvel
An excelsior year
Except for Eternals
It’s bad, so I hear

211208

211208
Even Alice loves Santa

Never wants to give a kid a lump of coal
Santa lives with reindeer up at the North Pole
With a little round belly that shakes like jelly
And a simple case of he’s a jolly ol’ soul
Old kids wonder if Santa’s just a dream
His role at Christmas is a bit extreme
But what do you expect from an elf who’s never seen?
And ho, ho, ho, you know what I mean
All the young kids love Santa
Jolly ol’ Saint Nick they say
Come down through the chimney
Dear Santa please bring me
Presents on this Christmas day
All the young kids love Santa
Jolly ol’ Saint Nick they say
If I give you my letter
Will you promise I’ll get more
Presents on this Christmas day?

211101

211101
It’s alive!

I was handing out candy, late last night
And I woke this morning at first light
And suddenly to my surprise
My Christmas tree began to rise
He did the smash – he did the pumpkin smash
The pumpkin smash – orange seeds in a splash
He did the smash – he threw guts in the trash
He did the smash – he did the pumpkin smash
From my back garden to my living room
He was smashing gourds for a pumpkin tomb
His allies came from the nurseries
They were hammer-wielding Christmas trees
They did the smash – they did the pumpkin smash
The pumpkin smash – orange seeds in a splash
They did the smash – they threw guts in the trash
They did the smash – they did the pumpkin smash

211018

211018
Fartin’ Jay Brownbear

He put a smell on you
From his behind
In fact the house now smells like poo
Oh god – I ain’t lyin’
Linc and I can’t stand it
We’re running away
You’re still stinky Brownie
The house reeks like a shit bouquet
He put a smell on you
From his behind

211004

211004
I’m not a good friend

When your pain has doubled
And you need someone to care
Like always you’re facing your darkest nights
Don’t you ever think of me
For I will not be there
I’d rather be receiving my last rites
I just think that you’re lame
And your attitude’s to blame
I start backing, oh yeah, from you real slow
Winter, spring, summer, or autumn
Someday soon you’ll hit rock bottom
And I’ll say that, yeah, yeah, yeah, “I told you so!”

210903

210903
Mayo for Sam!

The folks in Mayo have the reek
Some people climb it every week
They pray to god and kill a lamb
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

Sligo and Leitrim both were beat
The tribesmen soon met their defeat
They told those Dublin lads to scram
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

In Westport there is red and green
The likes of which are rarely seen
Though Galway might not give a damn
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

It’s been a long time since they’ve won
The last time – 1951
They’ll prove the curse was just a sham
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

210809

210809
Spam egg sausage and spam

Check your spam, check your spam
Yes, of course I sent it ma’am
We have problems sending emails
And I swear it’s not a scam
Yes, I did – I don’t kid
I will bet you twenty quid
Though it was marked as suspicious
My email was not malicious
Open it, take a chance
I assure you in advance
You must have a real careful filter program
Go on, and check your folder
Just do as I told ya
Check your spam, oui your spam, check your spam!

210719

210719
Animate Objects FTW!

We were in a dungeon
At least six levels deep
I cast Animate Objects
I was a rock lobber!
Rock lobber – rock lobber
We were on a new plane
Everybody had leveled up
Somebody then opened a lock
And there they saw a vrock
It wasn’t a roc
I was a rock lobber
Rock lobber – rock lobber
Dwarf is a cleric, bard is halfling
Everybody’s clashin’ – everybody’s bashin’
Flyin’ over lava – gettin’ stunned
Blastin’ demons, blastin’ till it’s done
He was a big pest – we need a short rest
Pass the healing potion
Here comes a giant boar
There goes a manticore
In walked a blink dog
There goes a death dog
Chased by a werecat
In flew a sea hag
Watch out for that beholder
There goes a dragon
Here comes a demogorgon!

210621

210621
Happy yoga day

I want to go to Rome in Italia
But you have to dress the part
And I don’t look good wearing a toga
T-O-G-A, toga
I have to lose some weight, so I sat on a rug
I reached for my toes
‘Cause I’m gonna try to do some Yoga
Y-O-G-A, yoga
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoga
Well, I’m not the world’s most flexible guy
But when I bent my back I nearly broke my spine
Fuckin’ yoga!
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoga
Well, I’m not dumb, but I can’t understand
How people touch their toes
Just by reaching their hand
Fuckin’ yoga!
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoga
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoga
Well, I bent, posed, stretched and strained all night
But still my hamstring’s just too tight
I stood straight up, and then went on my knees
And demonstrated how an old dog pees
Well, I’m not the world’s most dexterous man
But I know what I am and I’m just a fat man
Who can’t do Yoga
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoga
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoga

210315

210315
It’s the same old meme since twenty-nineteen

Another year goes badly
Paddy’s sadly voided
And deniers, stoked the fires
Should have been avoided
And you see, that to me
They hate my family
With no masks, and false facts, they’re denying
With our masks and our jabs
And our jabs made in labs
Wash your hands, stay inside, we are crying!
COVID sucks, COVID sucks
CO-O-VID, CO-O-VID, CO-O-VID-VID-VID
When will this end, will it end?
CO-O-VID, CO-O-VID, CO-O-VID-VID-VID-VID, oh

201111

201111
Will ye go lassie go?

The trailer for Wild Mountain Thyme
The accents used might be a crime
The dialog sounds trite and flat
The Irish just don’t sound like that
It’s filled with bad Paddy clichés
Irish reviews will lack of praise
Thyme might be wild upon that hill
But this reeks of Darby O’Gill

201005

201005
O-U-T spells “out”

Lockdown time is here again
Lockdown time is here again
Lockdown time is here again
Lockdown time is here again
Ain’t been ’round since you know when
Lockdown time is here again

200928

200928
Offaly is awful

Midlands driving never a blast
Midlands driving gets old real fast
I drove there once, it’s not for me
So much turf, all I can see
Midland days feckin’ away to oh fuck those Midland drives
Welly, welly, welly boots
Tullamore, Tullamore
Where is Ballinagar?
Tullamore, Tullamore
Athlone or Mullingar?
I drove through there, missed the off ramp
Needed to wee, my pants got damp
I kept driving to Longford town
No luck there, no one around
Midland fun? Never begun oh fuck those Midland drives
Welly, welly, welly boots
Tullamore, Tullamore
Where can you get a bite?
Tullamore, Tullamore
Or a place for the night?
Got to Sligo, the N4 ends
Told the Midlands, we can’t be friends
There and then, I made a vow
Won’t be back, no way no how
Midland trips are all bullshit and fuck those Midland drives

200907

200907
Dear Micheál, show prudence

Dear Micheál, can’t we go out to play?
Dear Micheál, open pubs today
The Dutch can drink, the Greeks can too
And everyone in the EU
Dear Micheál, can’t we go out to play?
Dear Micheál, open up the pubs
Dear Micheál, don’t forget nightclubs
We want to drink and shake our hips
Why do I need to order chips?
Dear Micheál, won’t you open up the pubs?
Dear Micheál, let us drink and smile
Dear Micheál, we’ve been good a while
We’d like to buy some pints to drain
We want to drink and smile again
Dear Micheál, won’t you let us drink and smile?
Dear Micheál, can’t we go out to play?
Dear Micheál, open pubs today
The Dutch can drink, the Greeks can too
And everyone in the EU
Dear Micheál, can’t we go out to play?

200812

200812
Crazy about Kamala

Deck the polls I’m voting Biden
Ka-ma-la-la-la, Ka-ma-la-la
Goodbye Pence, and also bye Don
Ka-ma-la-la-la, Ka-ma-la-la
Harris will be a great VP
Ka-ma-la, Ka-ma-la, Ka-ma-la
Now for sure a blue wave we’ll see
Ka-ma-la-la-la, Ka-ma-la-la

200805

200805
He has a pointless point of view

There’s no place in the world for this angry old man
With his thousands of lies and his dumb TikTok ban
He abuses his post, this abuse his downfall
His legacy’s broke like that Mexico wall
And he’s proud as a peacock ’cause he’s a mob boss
And he struggles with facts his soul is a loss
And we’d liked to be rid of this angry old man

200729

200729
When the feeling’s gone and you can’t go on

Every tragedy
Begins as a love story
That ends with heartache

200724

200724
What if?

Ever ponder fate though?
What if I didn’t go?
What if she didn’t show?
What if I had no dough?
What if she had a beau?
I guess we’ll never know

200708

200708
Brownie Bear at my side

It’s always nice, it’s always nice
To have Brownie Bear at my side
It’s always nice, it’s always nice
To have Brownie Bear at my side
Look back on the Christmas lights (which Linc broke)
The tears that I cried
It’s always nice, it’s always nice
To have Brownie Bear at my side
Oh! This is the doggie that Jean and I chose
Oh! This little doggie has such a cute nose
Oh! He runs at full speed along the chain fence
Oh! Brownie’s motherfucking head is immense
Oh! When out on a walk – don’t care where he goes
Oh! His head is so big, I think it still grows
Oh! The rest of the doggies don’t wear their leads
He runs through weeds, eating the seeds
That’s what Brownie Bear needs
It’s always nice, it’s always nice
Afterwards he takes a quick doze
It’s always nice, it’s always nice
When it’s time for dinner he knows
He wants a nice treat
He wants his rawhide
Still, it’s always nice, it’s always nice
To have Brownie Bear at my side

200703

200703
Yankee Doodle Dickhead

He’s a Yankee Doodle failure
He let so many people die
Coronavirus hasn’t gone away
Here on the Fourth of July
He is our Yankee Doodle nightmare
He’s our Yankee Doodle shit
Yankee Doodle fucked up DC
Just to help his cronies
He is the racist Jizztrumpet

200306

200306
Sorry Dexy

Poor old pangolin
Don’t eat him like a sloppy joe
Nor top him on your pizza dough
They have thick hide, don’t blame or slay them
It’s spread (from Wuhan)
And spread (to Milan)
Outbreaks here, there and wherever
COVID-19
Choo ah-choo ah-choo ah-choo why-ay?!?
Self isolate forever!!!
COVID-19, wash your hands (thoroughly)
If you’re coughing, do into your sleeve
We don’t possess, a means to address
Oh it’s dirty
Ah, COVID-19
COVID-19
Don’t bring it ’round here
No scanning at our airports yet
So staying inside’s our safest bet
They’ve hinted (No Paddy’s), um, say what? (No Paddy’s)
That won’t sit with us now laddie
We’ll go maddy!
Choo ah-choo ah-choo ah-choo why-ay?!?
Self isolate forever!!!

200210

200210
Hello Mary Lou!

The country’s run by corporate sheep
The Left’s asleep! The Left’s asleep!
On trolley beds do elders weep
While pay is low and rent is steep
On Saturday the dam did break
The Left’s awake! The Left’s awake!
Let old FG and FF quake
It’s Sinn Féin’s turn for Erin’s sake

191216

191216
Apologies to Reg

I can’t find sun in Irish wintertime
I know it’s cold, but that’s another deal
Outside’s darkness when I hit snooze on the damn alarm
But these clocks I have, hard to believe their time is real
(Chorus)
Don’t let the sun go down at three
When walking home from town, it’s always dark and I can’t see
So please allow a small beam of that light to shine on me
‘Cause here at wintertime is like the sun going down at three

191030

191030
Scariest TV family

They sling a lot of mucky
They’re awful and they’re sucky
They’re altogether yucky
Jizztrumpet family
Dad’s skin could use some bleaching
His kids are good at leaching
I’m hoping for impeaching
Jizztrumpet family
Tweet
Tweet
Retweet
Pelosi is a calling
The house of cards is falling
I hope to see them bawling
Jizztrumpet family

191025

191025
Apologies to Coolio

As I walk through the packed aisles and I look to my right
I see a game that I want and I devise to squeeze in tight
‘Coz I’ve been planning and reading so long, that
I got to buy this game before it is gone
You see Rahdo told me that this one is phenomenal
Because negative interaction is nominal
Then my wallet does the talkin’, and I start walkin’
Until Boydell’s new game is blockin’
I really love his games, so I buy it, dude
He better sign the box or that would be quite rude, fool
I’m the board game geek that goes around with a Pope hat
So all the folks in the math trade hall know where I’m at

Though I’ve only been there twice
Essen is a gamer’s paradise
Tokens, cards, minis and dice
Essen is a gamer’s paradise
Kickstarter’s my only vice
Essen is a gamer’s paradise
Buying games at twice the price
Essen is a gamer’s paradise

191023

191023
I hope to play at least 16 games in Essen

I play two games in the morning
I play two games at night
I play two games in the afternoon
It makes me feel alright
I play two games when I’m at home
And two at a game store
I play two games before I play two games
And then I play two more

190802

190802
Supplied with air

I’m all of out rhymes, I can’t make a haiku
I thought I could write my Brownie a theme song
I’m all of out rhymes, I can’t make a haiku
It’s no doubt too late to say that my art’s so wrong