‘Tis the season to get baked

Last Christmas Eve, I smoked a bowl
And met Saint Nick at the North Pole
The reindeer flew, we played with elves
Then got some sweets to stuff ourselves
We had some drinks, and he got pissed
So I checked out his Christmas list
I found your name, and you’re marked nice
I’m in the naughty column twice!
He sobered up and went to work
He filled his sleigh and gave a smirk
“Next Christmas you’ll get what you need
As long as I can smoke your weed!”
So I whipped out my trusty bong
He inhaled deep, he inhaled long
“I thank you for this killer grass
It knocked me on my jolly ass
Next year you’ll meet a wee cailín
A lovely Irish lass named Jeanne”
No longer will my heart be blue
My verdant Christmas wish came true!


I’m far from ecstatic

After working in the attic
Something happened quite dramatic
I tripped and gave my head a bash
And now I have a bloody gash


One small shit for man…

NASA shot a DART
Into an asteroid
They are really smart
They’re gainfully employed

I once shit a shart
Right past my hemorrhoid
I’m still scared to fart
I’m downright paranoid


Pink man cave

I’ve gone and changed my upstairs room
To start, I cleaned it with a broom
I picked up rubbish from the ground
Then moved the furniture around
It has a TV and loveseat
The LEGO wall looks pretty neat
I put my desk and laptop there
It also has a rolling chair
The clincher is a spinning bike
And I can ride it when I like
Work, exercise, play, watch and rest
My office/man cave is the best


Always on – never off

No rest for the wicked
That’s true for this dickhead
Since I am my own boss
I do not gather moss
While some have night-time fun
My work is never done


Except, I will

I think that Linc pretends he’s sweet
But all he’s after is a treat
His phony purrs no longer work
He’s not my friend, he’s just a jerk
I won’t be tricked to give him food
‘Cause treats are given if you’re good
I will not feed him ’cause he’s fat
I will not feed that evil cat!


Bacardi party

The office Christmas party fun
Was started with Bacardi rum
The punch was spiked, the bongs were lit
And HR didn’t give a shit
The mistletoe was hung with care
Above the boss’s derrière
The secretaries did burlesque
While interns banged upon a desk
The salesmen want to get ahead
But it’s too hard, that’s what she said
Then Santa came in through the rear
That’s when the party got in gear
While eating snacks and drinking beer
He punched an elf and shot eight deer
This should have ended his career
But he’ll be back same time next year


It’s a win-wank

I want to travel since I can
But lack of money stops that plan
I have few skills for making bank
But I’m a pro at wink and wank
This talent solves my money plans
I’m gonna start an OnlyFans


Can’t get there from here

Four lads in a car
They go down to Cork
They don’t get too far
Turned wrong at the fork
The hotel was wrong
And these hapless men
Did not take too long
To get lost again
They thought as they drove
That they should not roam
To Cork or to Cobh
So far from their home


Cara dún do bhéal

There once was a fighter named Gina
A warrior born like Athena
But her hateful gob
Cost her a cool job
I hope she’s replaced by fair Xena


All I want to do…

Don’t ever presume
You’ve muted your zoom
That boisterous boom
That’s filling your room
With foul-smelling fume
Could be career doom


The more you know

Here’s a helpful tip
If you have work due at nine
Don’t drink before eight


Hiatus haiku

I have work to do
Linc lays down on my laptop
I guess it can wait


Bitcoin works too

While the world has gone to hell
Do you have a thing to sell?
I will work from dawn to night
Making you a new website
I will finish in a flash
If you send me bags of cash!


No time to defecate

Tonight I’m working late
But I am not irate
When people think I’m great
It puts food on my plate


Feel the city breakin’

My kitchen doubles as a pub
My bathroom a salon
My dining room’s a country club
That looks out on my lawn
My bedroom is an office now
My living room a gym
It barely matters anyhow
When everything’s so grim
I used to work from nine to five
To properly provide
But now I work to stay alive
By staying put inside



I’m used to this as I live alone
I rarely shower or wear cologne
The dog don’t mind and neither the cat
They don’t complain or say that I’m fat
They don’t gossip or make me feel sad
The best teammates that I ever had


Just one more thing…

When I hit a groove, I work really great
But I don’t begin until it’s too late
I’m doing my best to get going soon
But I find it hard to start before noon
Despite this slight hitch, I still have my pride
So I will push these distractions aside
My pets are downstairs, I’ve locked up the boys
I’ve tidied my space, I’ve muted the noise
I know I’ll do well, I’ll give it my most
I have one more thing this poem to post


Goal gradient hypothesis

Thought I saw the finish line
But it was a warning sign
I’m not even half way there
Jon’s not living on a prayer
There’s a ton of work to do
Coming out the old wazoo
Hold the party, save the cheer
I should be done by next year


Ten steps back

I need to finish soon
I’ve had this job since June
Just one more week to go
Until I get that dough
The fat lady could sing
Except for one small thing
I need to start anew
And that is why I’m blue


Self employed blues

I work from home in my underpants
With Brownie and Linc, I sometimes dance
And once in a while, I’ll do some work
Pay’s ok, but the boss is a jerk


Nor Sunday neither

The thing I did, did not get done
The game I played, did not get won
The deal I planned, did not get made
The job I worked, did not get paid
The clothes I washed, did not get clean
The gig I showed, did not get seen
Despite hard work for this soirée
No music will be heard today


Slow down, you move too fast

When I think I’m doing something
I’m just busy doing nothing
When I think I’m keeping busy
I’m just making myself dizzy
When I think I’m near perfection
I’m just in the wrong direction
Never-ending sweat exposes
I should stop and smell the roses


My CV is curiously vast

Today I had an interview
But not one job, it was for two
And when they tell me, “We want you!”
I’ll celebrate with Irish stew


Mope brings external

I will need some hocus-pocus
To regain external focus
It should clearly be worth nothing
Through each day I’m mostly floating
Walk the dog, and feed the kitty
Exercise to keep me pretty
Nothing else seems to be working
Thankfully sunshine is lurking


They don’t like Mondays

Linc is yelling and screaming and shouting
Brownie Bear wants a walk and is pouting
It’s my first day off in so many weeks
But my night is shot because of these freaks


They make more money than me

First day at new job
My pets are my coworkers
And they brought donuts


My job is packing now

Today’s my last day at my job
But you won’t hear me cry or sob
I wasn’t happy working here
I won’t miss this dead end career
From here on out, I don’t have work
I won’t have chores or tasks to shirk
But I’ve no time to mess and play
In two short months, I move away


I resign to always love you!

I quit my stupid job today
I don’t feel great, I’m not okay
I’m sad because my Sweetie Pea
Can’t celebrate tonight with me


Well, not everything

I no longer can do yardwork
Weeding – Sweeping – that is hard work!
My whole body isn’t nifty
Things are harder when you’re fifty


I know you said you’d wait for me
I hope you’re right my Sweetie Pea

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is say goodbye to Jelly Moo
My Sweetie Pea is here no more
She will not walk through our front door
She will not cook us awesome food
Or show kindness and gratitude
She will not laugh at silly jokes
Or suffer all those needle pokes

Without our Jean, the world is dark
Her happy smile won’t make a spark
The loss of Jean has caused a hole
There’s one less aunt for young Nicole
Her siblings knew they could count on
The young Jeannie who is now gone
Let’s not forget her awesome friends
As ratings go, she gave them tens

Although she’s gone, she is still here
Our memories won’t disappear
As we recall that pretty face
And how she changed every workplace
She read a lot and knew so much
Our lives transformed with by her sweet touch
There is no way we could forget
The best person we’ve ever met

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