Can’t get there from here

Four lads in a car
They go down to Cork
They don’t get too far
Turned wrong at the fork
The hotel was wrong
And these hapless men
Did not take too long
To get lost again
They thought as they drove
That they should not roam
To Cork or to Cobh
So far from their home


I’m a giver

With women’s gifts, I am a master
And this tip should avoid disaster
When buying something for your steady
Don’t get them roses or a teddy
They don’t much care for cars or rockets
Just buy them dresses that have pockets


The Killin’ Irish!

I’m glad I’m not a bride
And living in Kilbride
I’d never drive my car
So near to Kilmacar
Way down in Kilmacow
I’d hate to be a cow
And in Killinaspick
I’d hate to be a cow


I hope someone will say – fair play!

I get food from the take-away
And Monday week is next Monday
When driving over to Galway
I take the Dual Carriageway
Post X-mas is St. Stephen’s Day
And fourteen stones is what I weigh
The pitch is where the hurlers play
I keep on learning every day


It’s 8:01

There’s one thing that I really hate
It’s when something is really late
I will admit my nasty trait
Does not one bit make me look great
When not on time, I get irate
My mouth will froth, my hips gyrate
It puts me in a wretched state
So mad that I expectorate
I’ll get all tense and flatulate
And through the roof goes my heart rate
Where is my food? I cannot wait!
They said that they’d be here by eight!


Offaly is awful

Midlands driving never a blast
Midlands driving gets old real fast
I drove there once, it’s not for me
So much turf, all I can see
Midland days feckin’ away to oh fuck those Midland drives
Welly, welly, welly boots
Tullamore, Tullamore
Where is Ballinagar?
Tullamore, Tullamore
Athlone or Mullingar?
I drove through there, missed the off ramp
Needed to wee, my pants got damp
I kept driving to Longford town
No luck there, no one around
Midland fun? Never begun oh fuck those Midland drives
Welly, welly, welly boots
Tullamore, Tullamore
Where can you get a bite?
Tullamore, Tullamore
Or a place for the night?
Got to Sligo, the N4 ends
Told the Midlands, we can’t be friends
There and then, I made a vow
Won’t be back, no way no how
Midland trips are all bullshit and fuck those Midland drives


Thick, arrogant prick

Hogan’s sorry he got caught
Is he sorry? Not a lot!
He still claims he did no wrong
That is why we say “SO LONG!”


Phase craze

(18 May)
We’re now in phase one
The phase with no fun
(8 June)
Phase two on June 8
Can visit a mate
(29 June)
And when phase three drops
They’ll open most shops
(20 July)
The next phase is four
We’ll go shore to shore
(10 August)
And lastly phase five
The pubs are alive!!!


He’s going to Maam next

There once was a husband from Cavan
Who drove every weekend to Navan
His wife unaware
Of his love affair
With palindromes that he was havin’


The oul’ sod is odd

The town of Athy
It sounds like a thigh
When walking in Laois
Please bring your dog’s leash
If ever in Naas
Get out of that place!
I hear that in Cobh
There might be a cove
The towns over here
Are spelled kind of queer


He drove Ky and Lo

There once was a Driver named Adam
Who liked to speed over macadam
He flew down the line
Doing sixty nine
To get to his favorite madam


So blow out the candles and have a piece of cake!

It’s my day of birth, but I ain’t new
Like a deck of cards I’m 52
To my Sweetie Pea I’m Sugar Pooh
I did not move here to eat lamb stew
Count ABC’s twice to get my age
I’m like a tiger trapped in a cage
But maybe this year I’ll turn the page
They say 50 plus is such a rage
Took 52 years to get this far
I walk everywhere ’cause I’ve no car
And my birthday wish is so bizarre
But I want to be a viral star
With my rocking rhymes that have such flair
Plus drawings of Linc and Brownie Bear
Since we’re Facebook friends, I know you care
So please do your part and click on “share”


It’s possible in my head

I tried to drive the motorway
But clearly I should stay away
I did my best but still had fear
Of flying off this big blue sphere


The right of way goes to the biggest guns

Car Wars will be back again
As games go, this one’s a ten
Flamethrowers and plasma guns
Wild weapons, this game has tons


Póg mo thóin

Drive around the Emerald Isle
Cows and sheep mile after mile
Gorgeous views and verdant grass
Don’t like this? Then kiss my ass!


I think that would be apropos

I drove all the way from Mayo
With both of my parents in tow
That sure was a long way to go
I think I deserve a banjo


When the saints go marching in

There is a long walk
Before a long wake
The priest gives a talk
Before tea and cake
The friends laugh and cry
And all shed a tear
With glasses raised high
They all give a cheer


We’ll get some bread at Eurospar

To take my parents really far
I hired us a motorcar
It’s Japanese, not a Jaguar
A ride like that would be bizarre
We’ll go from here to Castlebar
Might even stop in Mullingar
If they return without a scar
They’ll think of me as a rock star


Goin’ to Mayo

I’m on my way to wild Mayo
Where only silly people go
You cannot get there on a train
So getting there can be a pain
You cannot drive there in a car
I tried it once, but it’s too far
You cannot get there on a bike
That isn’t true, but it’s a hike
You cannot get there in a boat
Such choppy waves, it’s hard to float
The only place on this great sphere
You cannot go to there from here



There once was a killer named OJ
Who had a slow chase on the freeway
He drove by $c
And got his degree
‘Cause murder is fine if you can play


HB Mr. B

Today could be chucked in a bin
A grounded plane with damaged skin
Another plane but had to wait
I missed the bus ’cause we were late
Then had to stand out in the cold
All the delays had gotten old
And traffic as we got to Naas
We crawled along at a snail’s pace
Then at long last, I made it home
And quickly bought Glory to Rome
‘Cause Tony said to this weekend
And I obey my foul-mouthed friend


Slán Abhaile

A visit from my old pal Scott
And he is here with Lana too
I’ve shown them all Kilkenny’s got
But now they have to bid adieu


I might need to get one

From Castleknock to Castlebar
Mullinavat to Mullingar
You can’t get there without a car
From County Cork to County Clare
Killarney, Kilcoole and Kildare
Without a car you can’t get there


Water restrictions in Ireland?!?

It’s been so long without the rain
Sure it’s as hot as France or Spain
The whitest Irish has a tan
We’re now under a hosepipe ban
With dirty cars and dying plants
We need to do a Riverdance
Dry kiddie pools – ain’t that a bitch
While water sprays the hurling pitch!


Around the world in 90 days

These last three months have been quite rough
I’ve lived them all without my stuff
I packed it up and said goodbye
And off it went via Shanghai
The trip has been far from banal
It went through the Suez Canal
Then Rotterdam before Dublin
Excitement level is bubblin’
I’m finally gonna get my gear
Tomorrow it’s delivered here!


Traffic was not good this Friday

That was a long drive
Goodbye Santa Maria
Hello Buena Park


So long stuff

The time has come, today’s the day
I’ve packed my stuff, it’s gone away
This empty house, where once was cheer
Is hollow now, without my gear
As I chill with Brownie and Linc
I think of friends, and raise my drink
To Sweetie Pea, I love you most
The sun sets on the Central Coast


Don’t drive angry

I tell you this, it is no lie
Drivers today want me to die
At least four times I’ve used my horn
The first two beeps were in the morn
Two near side-swipes on way to work
And then at lunch another jerk
He came at me from the wrong way
Then flipped me off to end the fray
That’s not enough, now here’s a truck
It’s backing up, *honk* what the fuck?!?
This bad driving has caused a shock
When I go home, I think I’ll walk


In the prick of time

Had to rush Jean for a shot
Her white cells were not a lot
This is what you have to do
When you love your sugar pooh


A vote for HRC is a vote for taco trucks

Four taco trucks are over there
More taco trucks are everywhere
There are so many taco trucks
Latinos have caused this influx
Their culture is so dominant
Their tacos are so prominent
We cannot stop these taco trucks
They’re taking over like Starbucks


Pokemon d’oh!

I will not play Pokemon Go
I never watched that stupid show
I don’t need games to walk outside
Into brick wall I won’t collide
It’s free to play? I’ll get the app
No doubt it sucks, I’m sure it’s crap
I caught Squirtle, he’s pretty cute
I want some more, so off I scoot
Around the corner comes a truck
I level up, and “HOLY —”