CA is to the left of TX

Too much rain in the Midwest
Poor Texans can get no rest
California has no rain
This long drought is such a pain
If that rain could come out west
We would all be far less stressed
Scientists could find a way
Texans want to kneel and pray
They could pray with all their might
But they’re too far to the right


Career day

Today we spoke about careers
All the speakers were volunteers
I said my job was great and such
I really hate to lie that much


We got our ya-ya’s out

We saw the Stones at Petco Park
The opener was Gary Clark
Our souvenirs took all our cash
They started with Jumping Jack Flash
All Down the Line and Moonlight Mile
Honky Tonk Women made us smile
Mick left the stage for some Keith fun
He played Before They Make Me Run
Lisa shined on Gimme Shelter
Lovely voice that nature dealt her
Their Sympathy for the Devil
Took us to a higher level
Brown Sugar before the fake end
Wish they played Waiting on a Friend
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
Mick and the boys look so damn gaunt
Satisfaction closed the concert
Time to purchase a bootleg shirt
The Rolling Stones proved they still rock
Even though they’re as old as Bach


Hot holiday haiku

Groundhog Day Part II
Memorial Day Weekend
No more weeks of Spring


Top 10 reasons we’re sad

10. No more lists that go to ten
9. No more Regis on again
8. No more banter with ol’ Paul
7. No more velcro on the wall
6. No more reading viewer mail
5. No more Paris out of jail
4. No more stupid human tricks
3. No more flipping cards like bricks
2. No more will I stay up late
1. Goodbye Dave, you’re more than great!


Why is GoT so rapey?

I’ll still watch you Game of Thrones
Though you chill me to my bones
Biggest question with this show
Why do you hate women so?
Sand snakes aren’t as good as guys
They should fight someone their size
Arya beaten with a rod
Queen is jailed by the god squad
She can’t even help her bro
‘Cause they say he’s a big ‘mo
Poor Sansa should have escaped
Not all women should be raped


Is a dream a lie if it don’t come true

There once was a man with a guitar
Who pressed his own kale at the juice bar
He scrubbed in his tub
Worked out at the club
And dreamed of becoming a rock star


Got a pocket full of quarters

Always an underachiever
I never had Pac-Man fever
At the arcade, this old-timer
Had a case of Crazy Climber


The haunted haiku

You remembered how
To kill the floating specter
And then you forgot


Grandma kicks ass

There once was a dame named Luella
She was as brave as any fella
When Japan attacked
She made it her pact
That Tojo would go straight to Hell-a


Stop scratching!

The cat has no hair
On his derrière
He looks pretty dumb
With his hairless bum


And also with you

If you know Han shot first
And that Jar Jar’s the worst
If your love tells you so
And you just say, “I know”
If you drink milk that’s blue
May the Fourth be with you


She’s da bomb pop

Living the dream
Eating ice cream
With my sweetie by my side
It’s such a thrill
That she’s so chill
I’m grateful that she’s my bride

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