Let’s do better in 2015!

The year comes to its fated end
A good night to spend with a friend
As you plan your resolution
Consider your contribution
Stop drinking beer, and cut your hair
Lose twenty pounds, I just don’t care
Those goals are nice but selfish too
Do something that’s not just for you
Share the planet, and save the bees
Pledge your money to cure disease
Eat local foods, and plant a tree
Don’t fight too much, try to agree
Make your city a better place
Do something for the human race
What will I do to save the Earth?
I’ll cover it with smiles and mirth
As we bid this year adieu
Do as I say, not as I do


Taste the fur covered rainbow

I do my best to be discreet
Unless it deals with things to eat
I’ve hit a low that won’t be beat
By eating skittles off a seat


Doctor Who haiku

Cry exterminate
Egg beater and plunger beasts
Death to the Daleks


Merry Christmas from sunny California

I gave myself a gift this year
I didn’t drink a keg of beer
I didn’t buy a box of games
I didn’t dance with dusky dames
I didn’t buy a brand new car
I didn’t travel to a star
I didn’t buy a motorbike
I gave myself a Christmas hike


Don’t rain blows upon him

Christmas Eve Eve is Festivus
Party time for the rest of us
If you’re with thousands at the mall
Trying to find your son a doll
Those feats of strength would cause despair
You would have grievances to air
Don’t worry ’bout that lump of coal
Just do like us and raise the pole


Fighting the SADs

Sitting next to the fire
In my bedroom attire
On the longest night of the year
With my two dogs and my cat
I’m extremely thankful that
All the nights are shorter from here


Gotta take a Kim Jung-Un

When I think of my Sweetie Pea
It’s like I’m on a tranquil sea
When I think of the holidays
My wallet needs a big fat raise
When I think of my dearest friends
To me they prove that they’re all tens
When I think of North Korea
I suffer from diarrhea


Season’s greetings from Arkham

Oh Cthulhu, Oh Cthulhu!
Thy tentacles are moving
Oh Cthulhu, Oh Cthulhu!
Thy tentacles are moving
Your green appendages are near,
You bring about such dread and fear
Oh Cthulhu, Oh Cthulhu!
Thy tentacles are moving!


Flat tire fairy came twice

Another flat tire
There goes my entire
Christmas fund
With only fifty cents
I cannot buy presents
I’ll be shunned
Nothing for my family
No gifts under the tree
Or in socks
Though my wallet is lean
Doesn’t matter to Jean
My wife rocks


12-13-14 15:16:17

Many are invited
On such a gorgeous day
Two become united
In a euphoric way


Our wedding was so 5 years ago

More laughter than tears
More courage than fears
More vino than beers
More Macy’s than Sears
More Seinfeld than Cheers
We’ve made it five years!


To health in a handbasket

The POTUS on Stephen Colbert
Talking about Obamacare
He did a segment – The Decree
That gave the Nation so much glee
One thing he said sure was neato
He’s not scared to use the veto
Why would the prez want to amuse?
Because the kids don’t watch the news


It’s beginning to look a lot like Santa Maria

There is a cute house on East Cook Street
There ain’t no sugar, but it looks sweet
A buck, doe and fawn
Decorate the lawn
And lights on the roof that look real neat


Read in Morgan Freeman’s voice

You feel it in your heart
You feel it in your feet
You really need to fart
Afraid you’ll stain the sheet
You take a breath of air
And clench your muscles tight
You squeeze it out with care
But hold with all your might
It makes a squelching blast
Your heart is filled with dread
You let it out too fast
You’ve gone and shit the bed


1 in 68 American kids

Autistics aren’t deaf, dumb and blind
But each one is one-of-a-kind
Sometimes they stack or group their toys
Or show distress when near loud noise
Compulsion and repetition
Lack of facial recognition
Though stars made it a sensation
It’s not caused by vaccination
The only thing that can be cured
Is stop using the mean R-word


RIP Nancy #GKG

Whether you’re old or if you’re young
If you’re low key, or too high strung
If you don’t want to lose your hair
Then take this as your Cancer scare
It affects cops and math teachers
Pilots, plumbers, priests and preachers
Chicks with hooters or flat chested
Men with balls should all get tested
It doesn’t care if you’re a star
Or if you train for CPR
Even if you’re a tap dancer
We should all say FUCK YOU CANCER!

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