Are there any rhymes?
I checked the poetry vault
There aren’t any left


Cemetery girls

Well werewolf girls are chic
I really dig their fuzzy hair
And the vampire girls with the way they neck
They’ll wipe your mind with just a stare
The witches and their daughters
Always make you scream all night
And the mummy girls with the way they hug
They tie their daddies up real tight
I wish they all could be cemetery
I wish they all could be cemetery
I wish they all could be cemetery girls


55 is the new 47

I’m still alive
At 55
Where will I be
At 63?
Will I be fine
At 69?
Will it be fun
At 81?
I just can’t wait
For 98!


Not welcome in Woodstock

By the time we got to Woodstock
I just had to make a wee
And everywhere was a tree
For my urination
And then I saw the Brownie Bear
Squatting next to three small guys
Turning laughter into cries
By his defecation
We were busted, we were scolded
So we had to beg for our pardon
And we’re not allowed to go
Back to the garden


The death of Brian

There once was a fella named Brian
Nailed next to a fella who’s dyin’
The young fella said
Though he’d soon be dead
If you don’t see bright you’re not tryin’


Fill ‘er up fantasies

A greedy and vile petrol station
Would gouge due to war and inflation
The owner was caught
While sailing his yacht
The swift punishment was castration


I love LA!

Roses are red
LA Rams are blue
They have just won
Big game number two


N stands for knowledgeable

I once was told to go to hell
But I could not drive there
I have a license now – that’s swell
Still I’m going nowhere
I should be good and happy that
I cannot get to hell
If they don’t have my dog and cat
It’s probably just as well


It’s good to be the queen

There once was a monarch named Betty
Who liked sex with men who were petty
If they had small minds
And sturdy behinds
They’d frivolously get all sweaty


I’m not a good friend

When your pain has doubled
And you need someone to care
Like always you’re facing your darkest nights
Don’t you ever think of me
For I will not be there
I’d rather be receiving my last rites
I just think that you’re lame
And your attitude’s to blame
I start backing, oh yeah, from you real slow
Winter, spring, summer, or autumn
Someday soon you’ll hit rock bottom
And I’ll say that, yeah, yeah, yeah, “I told you so!”


Teeny broad the naked barber of Main Street

There once was a lass from Youghal Harbour
Who grew up to work as a barber
She thought clothes were rude
So she cut hair nude
The nuns in town wanted to garb her


Wish you were here

It’s time to celebrate your birth
A trip around the sun from Earth
It’s time for posts from friends and kin
And getting drunk with bathtub gin
I hope you get to raise some hell
And barring that, I hope it’s swell
So lift your glass and give a cheer
You’ve made it through another year!


Walk the walk

We are walking to show we care
We are walking ’cause they’re not there
We are walking for survivors
We are walking for your fivers
We are walking to find a cure
We are walking all night for sure
We are walking for Jean my wife
We are walking – Relay for Life



England suffers from football fate
They forgot to close the Southgate
Rashford, Sancho and young Saka
At penalties, they were caca
But here across the Irish Sea
No tears were shed for those missed three
We celebrate – #ItsGoingRome
Meanwhile our team never left home


He crushed his enemies

There once was a quipster named Conan
Who certainly lacked melatonin
But night after night
With all of his might
He helped to produce serotonin


And ever, ramen!

When I’ve done something that’s rotten
But my friends have all forgotten
When I argue and won’t give in
And my friends have all forgiven
Ask if I’m wrong, they say never
I keep friends like that forever


Thick, arrogant prick

Hogan’s sorry he got caught
Is he sorry? Not a lot!
He still claims he did no wrong
That is why we say “SO LONG!”


When the feeling’s gone and you can’t go on

Every tragedy
Begins as a love story
That ends with heartache


Don’t be an April ghoul

Today I will not act the fool
Or tell a silly lie
I think that it would be quite cruel
To joke while people die


He’s going to Maam next

There once was a husband from Cavan
Who drove every weekend to Navan
His wife unaware
Of his love affair
With palindromes that he was havin’


The oul’ sod is odd

The town of Athy
It sounds like a thigh
When walking in Laois
Please bring your dog’s leash
If ever in Naas
Get out of that place!
I hear that in Cobh
There might be a cove
The towns over here
Are spelled kind of queer


Vent and lament

It’s absolutely evident
The US has no president
They have a truly arrogant
Jizztrumpet who sows discontent
He’s broken every covenant
Emphatically with ill intent
I hate him one million percent
And if you like him go get bent


Sinn Féin – Vótáil 1!!!

I will not vote for Fine Gael
An FF vote would be a fail
I have much more than half a brain
That’s why I’m voting for Sinn Féin


Eff the Effers

FF and FG
Can Eff themselves eternally
It’s time for SF
And every party from the left


Number two for you

Some posters want my number one
But I can’t piss that high
I’ll take a shit and when I’m done
I’ll throw it in their eye


Made you look

I make a thing that no one sees
It can’t be touched nor can you squeeze
I make this thing three times a week
I know you know of what I speak
This thing is made out of my brain
If I don’t rhyme, I’ll go insane
This thing I make I hope you care
And if you do, I hope you share


What is your 2020 truth?

New year means new beard
It is not brown anymore
It will now be gray


Apologies to Coolio

As I walk through the packed aisles and I look to my right
I see a game that I want and I devise to squeeze in tight
‘Coz I’ve been planning and reading so long, that
I got to buy this game before it is gone
You see Rahdo told me that this one is phenomenal
Because negative interaction is nominal
Then my wallet does the talkin’, and I start walkin’
Until Boydell’s new game is blockin’
I really love his games, so I buy it, dude
He better sign the box or that would be quite rude, fool
I’m the board game geek that goes around with a Pope hat
So all the folks in the math trade hall know where I’m at

Though I’ve only been there twice
Essen is a gamer’s paradise
Tokens, cards, minis and dice
Essen is a gamer’s paradise
Kickstarter’s my only vice
Essen is a gamer’s paradise
Buying games at twice the price
Essen is a gamer’s paradise


Greta can’t sleep

Big business has stolen the young people’s dreams
They poison the oceans, lakes, rivers and streams
Compostable products like bags, cups and straws
Make them stacks of money all done “for the cause”


Goal gradient hypothesis

Thought I saw the finish line
But it was a warning sign
I’m not even half way there
Jon’s not living on a prayer
There’s a ton of work to do
Coming out the old wazoo
Hold the party, save the cheer
I should be done by next year


Yes we are

There is no wall and
UK is still in EU
Must be April Fools

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