Drop it like it’s hot

I did a thing I didn’t like
I dropped my phone when on a hike
I cursed myself, I made a scene
At least I did not crack the screen
Instead I broke the LCD
It’s fixable for a large fee
While I stand here, egg on my face
I need to get myself a case


Always on – never off

No rest for the wicked
That’s true for this dickhead
Since I am my own boss
I do not gather moss
While some have night-time fun
My work is never done


I don’t think she meant tobacco

The things that I do on the shitter…
Like scrolling through nonsense on Twitter
A raging debate
That caused so much hate?
A lass said she’s always a spitter


Christmas with the cats

It’s time for joy and festive cheer
But things are different this year
I could not get back to the states
So now I’ll spend it with me mates
They’re wearing black and amber hats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
It’s not the same and that’s ok
I’ll celebrate a brand new way
Just like LA it won’t be white
But over here, the weather’s shite
My parents send me online chats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I want to party till it’s late
But this year pubs will close at eight
No ugly sweaters on display
No pub crawls on St. Stephen’s Day
I blame the feckin’ bureaucrats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I have to bring a biscuit tin
Or else my friends won’t let me in
The wine is mulled, the pudding’s plum
The pies have mince, yeah that sounds dumb
The yummy sweets – the tasty fats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats


Knackered in Kilkenny

I went and joined Tinder and Bumble
So my self confidence could crumble
I thought I’d be a master dater
Instead I’m still a masturbater


Sarah Crosby abú!

A friend to many
Mother, daughter, sister, wife
Rest in Peace Sarah


Sharing is caring

Fewer and fewer seem to care
Hardly any have clicked on share
If you enjoy a rhyme or two
A simple like or heart will do


He put a dongle up his dingle

A lad with a USB cable
Inserted it ’cause he was able
He tried this strange trick
To measure his dick
It’s totally true – not a fable


Doomscrolling for the loss

Go to bed and scroll
Scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll
Scroll scroll scroll and sleep


Merry birthday

‘Twas the night before birthday, and inside my place
Linc and Brownie are sitting in front of my face
I’m trying to watch Parks and Rec season two
But these selfish monsters are blocking my view
They don’t have a cake and not even one toy
But they want to be near a good little boy
Now Brownie, now Lincoln, if you’ll both sit still
We’ll give brand new meaning to Netflix and chill


Please, no wagering

Is life a competition
Or just an exhibition?
I don’t need your permission
To write this composition
Expose my exposition?
Oppose your opposition!
These lines are an admission
I’m not a word magician
I have no inhibition
With thought to page transmission
My rhyming repetition
And drawing demolition
Might nurture nerve nutrition
And intellect ignition
To wrap up this submission
My prose and picture mission
Will come to its fruition
With global recognition
A well-to-do patrician
And songs by a musician


Spam egg sausage and spam

Check your spam, check your spam
Yes, of course I sent it ma’am
We have problems sending emails
And I swear it’s not a scam
Yes, I did – I don’t kid
I will bet you twenty quid
Though it was marked as suspicious
My email was not malicious
Open it, take a chance
I assure you in advance
You must have a real careful filter program
Go on, and check your folder
Just do as I told ya
Check your spam, oui your spam, check your spam!



England suffers from football fate
They forgot to close the Southgate
Rashford, Sancho and young Saka
At penalties, they were caca
But here across the Irish Sea
No tears were shed for those missed three
We celebrate – #ItsGoingRome
Meanwhile our team never left home


A short burst of inconsequential information

There is a web app known as Twitter
That most people read on the shitter
Unless you’re spray tanned
And forever banned
Then you sue them ’cause you are bitter


It’s a win-wank

I want to travel since I can
But lack of money stops that plan
I have few skills for making bank
But I’m a pro at wink and wank
This talent solves my money plans
I’m gonna start an OnlyFans


Did you notice?

If there is no poetry
Will they even notice?
If there are no posts from me
Will they even notice?
If no games or LEGO bricks
Will they even notice?
If no left wing politics
Will they even notice?
If no Linc or Brownie Bear
Will they even notice?
If no pix of COVID hair
Will they even notice?
If I shave off my goatee
Will they even notice?
Will I write this poetry
Just so you will notice?


Even my darkest night

It’s nice when a friend reaches out
No matter what it is about
A message, a card or a call
No matter how big or how small
Each time that it happens I grin
No matter how long it has been
They took the time to call or send
It matters that they are my friend


A message to you, Rudy

“You are very rude”
She wrote to me, I replied
“I get that a lot”


That text was better than sext

I’ve been stressed out to the max
Then I got some hopeful news
I’ve been scheduled for the vax
That has brightened up my blues


Sinko de Trumpo

From Facebook, Twitch and Twitter
Jizztrumpet is still banned
His absence makes me titter
Good people think it’s grand
On many social websites
His antics aren’t allowed
He now continues his fights
By yelling at a cloud


Bill Gates’ loss might be my gain

Melinda, I see you’re soon single
I am too if you want to mingle
I don’t have as much cash as Billy
While he’s smart, I’m simple and silly
You’ve had a nerd with piles of money
You should try one who’s broke and funny
If you want a goofball who’s humble
Swipe right on me when you’re on Bumble


My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo

There once was a man from Toledo
Who had a voracious libido
If his tinder date
Was willing to mate
He’d sink her with his pink torpedo


Show me your vax pix

I see so many vax pix
Each one I see gets my clicks
I also want a vax pic
But vax roll out is not quick
I will not get the vax soon
I won’t get it before June
It might take till September
Or god forbid December
I want to get a vax pic
I do not want to get sick


I don’t like Mondays

Today is so Monday
It just isn’t fun day
It might make me cry day
I wish it were Friday


Ever Given is giving nightmares

You would be everyone’s least favorite pal
If your boat blocked up the Suez Canal
Kickstarted board games will lift my morale
Unless they’re stuck in the Suez Canal
As poems go this is dull and banal
But not as fucked as the Suez Canal


Sean is awkward dot com

Awkward isn’t hot
Awkward’s all I got
Awkward’s not a lot
Awkward’s my last shot


Still at level five

There once was a woman named Bronagh
Who wanted to visit Verona
But thanks to lockdown
She can’t leave her town
All thanks to the virus Corona


Breathe breathe in the air

When my blood begins to seethe
That is when I need to breathe
Just a deep and simple breath
Will help me to fend off death


All you have to do is call

Listen please to my explaining
There are times when I’m complaining
Far too often for your caring
Just remember that I’m sharing
This with you, and for you only
‘Cause right now I’m feeling lonely
And we’ve equally confided
‘Cause our friendship’s not one-sided
You’ve been good so I should mention
Thank you for your rapt attention
That’s enough of my own sorrow
Tell me all of yours tomorrow


On the 33rd day of Xmas…

My Christmas tree still lights the room
I only see friends my friends on zoom
Until my friends can visit me
I’m leaving up the fucking tree!


She’s great with a prick

There once was a woman named Maxine
A pusher of dope in the smack scene
She was really fab
At giving a jab
So now she administers vaccine