0930

0930
DC = Drown Congress

We’re headed for a government shutdown
We need a solution quick and profound
Something to clean up the filth of Georgetown
We should let all the politicians drown

0929

0929
AKA the Fall

The Autumn
By Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Go, sit upon the lofty hill,
And turn your eyes around,
Where waving woods and waters wild
Do hymn an autumn sound.
The summer sun is faint on them —
The summer flowers depart —
Sit still — as all transform’d to stone,
Except your musing heart.

How there you sat in summer-time,
May yet be in your mind;
And how you heard the green woods sing
Beneath the freshening wind.
Though the same wind now blows around,
You would its blast recall;
For every breath that stirs the trees,
Doth cause a leaf to fall.

Oh! like that wind, is all the mirth
That flesh and dust impart:
We cannot bear its visitings,
When change is on the heart.
Gay words and jests may make us smile,
When Sorrow is asleep;
But other things must make us smile,
When Sorrow bids us weep!

The dearest hands that clasp our hands, —
Their presence may be o’er;
The dearest voice that meets our ear,
That tone may come no more!
Youth fades; and then, the joys of youth,
Which once refresh’d our mind,
Shall come — as, on those sighing woods,
The chilling autumn wind.

Hear not the wind — view not the woods;
Look out o’er vale and hill-
In spring, the sky encircled them —
The sky is round them still.
Come autumn’s scathe — come winter’s cold —
Come change — and human fate!
Whatever prospect Heaven doth bound,
Can ne’er be desolate.

0928

0928
More money to buy more junk

Today we had a yard sale
But we didn’t sell our yard
We sold our junk without fail
What’s leftover will be charred

0927

0927
Carbs really are bad

The head of pasta maker Barilla
Has a case of verbal diarrhea
No matter how much the right will insist
The “classic family” does not exist
I don’t hate them because they’re anti-gay
But I rarely eat bad carbs anyway

0926

0926
Pope is a dope

Pope Francis said in a promo
That he was not anti-homo
Then he excommunicated
A pro-gay priest who had stated
Women should be ordained as well
The Vatican can go to hell

0925

0925
High wind haiku

Watch the palm trees sway
Hot or cold, doesn’t matter
The wind is constant

0924

0924
Do they serve anything else?

There once was a man from Miami
Who frantically cleaned with a chamois
When he was quite spent
To Denny’s he went
And ordered Moons Over My Hammy

0923

0923
Being green costs a lot of green

Tesla was once known for a coil
Now it’s a car that needs no oil
I saw one in Los Alamos
For that town, it was grandiose
No place for an electric car
Owned by an aging movie star
Getting drunk in a wine-fueled haze
Kind of like that movie Sideways
Is the car about being green
Or do you get it to be seen?
Electric cars are close at hand
But this one is a hundred grand!

0922

0922
Slip slidin’ away

As Summer into Autumn slips
By Emily Dickinson

As Summer into Autumn slips
And yet we sooner say
“The Summer” than “the Autumn,” lest
We turn the sun away,

And almost count it an Affront
The presence to concede
Of one however lovely, not
The one that we have loved —

So we evade the charge of Years
On one attempting shy
The Circumvention of the Shaft
Of Life’s Declivity.

0921

0921
Life’s rough

Pepper meet Raven
Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff
They both are craven
Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff
Their barks make me weep
Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff
We will never sleep
Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff

0920

0920
As long as you wanted black

Today I bought the new iPhone
But I am not an Apple drone
Using my old phone made me moan
Caused more pain than a kidney stone
Into a trash can it was thrown
I had to get a payday loan
So I could buy my very own
‘Cause I’m broke and my credit blown
These are not things I would condone
But I live in the Danger Zone

0919

0919
Corn for only a buck an ear

Shiver me timbers! Blow me down!
Scurvy pirates are back in town!
Don’t walk the plank like a bilge rat!
Arrr! Drink some grog out of a vat!
If seaman talk is rewarded,
Ahoy! Prepare to be boarded!
Avast me proud buxom beauty!
I’d love to plunder yer booty!
I’ve got a patch and a polly!
Aye aye! My Roger is Jolly!

0918

0918
She does not dawdle

Kelly is a plus-sized porn model
Who posts smart blogs not silly twaddle
Though she started late
Her acting’s first rate
Just watch her partners shoot their waddle

0917

0917
On 2nd thought

Why does our right to bear an arm
Trump another’s freedom from harm?
Another shooting means more dead
When will it sink into our head?
I’m okay with us keeping guns
But not owning assault weapons
High capacity magazines
Should be reserved for the Marines
When the time comes for overthrow
We will be our most deadly foe

0916

0916
The princess kissing would make me horny too!

Hey, Mr. Horned Toad
Get off of the road
Here comes a big van
To squish flatter than
A piece of paper
We’d need a scraper
To clean up the street
It wouldn’t be neat
Your wife would be sad
Her kids with no dad
So, Mr. Horned Toad
Get off of the road

0915

0915
Stung like a bee

Sonny Liston
By Cassius Clay

Clay comes out to meet Liston and Liston starts to retreat,
if Liston goes back an inch farther he’ll end up in a ringside seat.
Clay swings with his left, Clay swings with his right,
Look at young Cassius carry the fight
Liston keeps backing, but there’s not enough room,
It’s a matter of time till Clay lowers the boom.
Now Clay lands with a right, what a beautiful swing,
And the punch raises the Bear clean out of the ring.
Liston is still rising and the ref wears a frown,
For he can’t start counting till Sonny goes down.
Now Liston is disappearing from view, the crowd is going frantic,
But radar stations have picked him up, somewhere over the Atlantic.
Who would have thought when they came to the fight?
That they’d witness the launching of a human satellite.
Yes the crowd did not dream, when they put up the money,
That they would see a total eclipse of the Sonny.

0914

0914
Netlingo Haiku

OMG HB
ROFLMAO
143 SP

OMG = Oh My God!
HB = Honey Bunny
ROFLMAO = Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off
143 = I Love You (1 Letter, 4 Letters, 3 Letters)
SP = Sweetie Pea

0913

0913
Always bet on black

Thirteen can be quite scary
But I don’t think it’s very
And who doesn’t like Friday?
I think of it as my day
To get a fist full of green
And bet it on black thirteen

0912

0912
Victory is Bruin I ain’t Lion

Detroit has suffered in recent years
Bankruptcy and crime have topped the tears
Enter Bruin Joseph Fauria
His touch down dance brings euphoria
Such fantastic moves from a Tight End
The team and city are on the mend

0911

0911
Remember all of it

We will never forget
Watching the TV set
We will never forget
Jumping without a net
We will never forget
Towers falling, cheeks wet
We will never forget
Brave heroes on a jet
We will never forget
Everybody upset
We will never forget
Bush discounting a threat
We will never forget
Hawkish Congress in step
We will never forget
Bombing with no regret
We will never forget
The fear of a cadet
We will never forget
Another soldier’s sweat
We will never forget
A mounting war-time debt
We will never forget

0910

0910
Pussy cow

There was a man with a dog named spot
Funny thing is, a dog he was not
Sometimes a giraffe
Or maybe a calf
If you saw Cal, you never forgot

0909

0909
9/9 is pretty fine

Happy birthday to me
I love sweetie pea
I’m twice twenty-three
Happy birthday to me

0908

0908
Talk about sudden death

American Football
By Harold Pinter

Hallelujah!
It works.
We blew the shit out of them.

We blew the shit right back up their own ass
And out their fucking ears.

It works.
We blew the shit out of them.
They suffocated in their own shit!

Hallelujah.
Praise the Lord for all good things.

We blew them into fucking shit.
They are eating it.

Praise the Lord for all good things.

We blew their balls into shards of dust,
Into shards of fucking dust.

We did it.

Now I want you to come over here and kiss me on the mouth.

0907

0907
Housecleaning haiku

Time to clean the house
Lift a box, and move it there
Same stuff, different place

0906

0906
Wait ’til next decade

We’re at that time of year
When Raider fans can cheer
‘Cause they still have a chance
At the Super Bowl Dance
For two more days at least
Until their hopes are ceased

0905

0905
What is it good for?

Another chance for us to bully
From the Mediterranean Sea
Obama – shine your Nobel Peace prize
This is wrong, you gotta realize
You need to find a way to save face
We shouldn’t be there in the first place

0904

0904
Sorry Charlie

There once was a man from Chicago
Who canned tuna in Pago Pago
When a thoroughbred
Kicked him in the head
He thought he was Dr. Zhivago

0903

0903
Make love not war

Bashar al-Assad is an ass
Especially if he used gas
But I emphatically implore
Obama – do not go to war!

0902

0902
Though it’ll be hot ’til Halloween

Labor Day, the end of summer
Work tomorrow, what a bummer
Today is swimming in the pool
Tomorrow going back to school
Today is hanging with good friends
Tomorrow summer vacay ends
Don’t become a Summer mourner
Christmas is around the corner

0901

0901
The agony of…

Defeat
By Edgar Guest

No one is beat till he quits,
No one is through till he stops,
No matter how hard Failure hits,
No matter how often he drops,
A fellow’s not down till he lies
In the dust and refuses to rise.

Fate can slam him and bang him around,
And batter his frame till he’s sore,
But she never can say that he’s downed
While he bobs up serenely for more.
A fellow’s not dead till he dies.