Christmas with the cats

It’s time for joy and festive cheer
But things are different this year
I could not get back to the states
So now I’ll spend it with me mates
They’re wearing black and amber hats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
It’s not the same and that’s ok
I’ll celebrate a brand new way
Just like LA it won’t be white
But over here, the weather’s shite
My parents send me online chats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I want to party till it’s late
But this year pubs will close at eight
No ugly sweaters on display
No pub crawls on St. Stephen’s Day
I blame the feckin’ bureaucrats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I have to bring a biscuit tin
Or else my friends won’t let me in
The wine is mulled, the pudding’s plum
The pies have mince, yeah that sounds dumb
The yummy sweets – the tasty fats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats


Bacardi party

The office Christmas party fun
Was started with Bacardi rum
The punch was spiked, the bongs were lit
And HR didn’t give a shit
The mistletoe was hung with care
Above the boss’s derrière
The secretaries did burlesque
While interns banged upon a desk
The salesmen want to get ahead
But it’s too hard, that’s what she said
Then Santa came in through the rear
That’s when the party got in gear
While eating snacks and drinking beer
He punched an elf and shot eight deer
This should have ended his career
But he’ll be back same time next year


Goblin girls

There once was a green little goblin
Her wife and she often were squabblin’
So they’d get some drink
Until they were pink
And come home three sheets and a wobblin’


Going off the furrow

I don’t know what I’m drinking
I’ve fallen off three wagons
My brain has started thinking
Do all dungeons have dragons?
Can you cry under water?
Did Prince own any plain clothes?
Does laughter lead to slaughter?
Do unicorns fart rainbows?


Wish you were here

It’s time to celebrate your birth
A trip around the sun from Earth
It’s time for posts from friends and kin
And getting drunk with bathtub gin
I hope you get to raise some hell
And barring that, I hope it’s swell
So lift your glass and give a cheer
You’ve made it through another year!


Happy Birthday Linc!

I have a cat, his name is Linc
His fur is soft and black as ink
His claws are sharp, his butthole pink
Around the house he likes to slink
Then disappears before I blink
He thinks that Brownie is a fink
He likes to make his boxes stink
His antics push me to the brink
So, twice a month I see a shrink
That little shit drives me to drink


Late night – late light

Not to worry yet
The days are getting shorter
But it’s light at 10


Second jab is Saturday

Listing my imagination
After second vaccination
I can take a plane to Cali
Or go hike the Great Rift Valley
I can visit my relations
Hug and touch to feel sensations
See the Dead in Sarasota
Or twine ball in Minnesota
I can go to Spain and Quito
Searching for the best burrito
I can play games at conventions
Smoke weed and explore dimensions
I can have a pint of cider
I can put my tip inside her
I might burst just like a geyser
After second jab of Pfizer


Walk Brownie walk

Walked with Brownie really far
Walked downtown past Ryan’s Bar
We walked past outdoor cafes
People basking in sunrays
We saw shops with fish and meat
Brownie thought he’d earned a treat
We walked past the new skate park
And small dogs that always bark
We walked past a donut shop
Brownie wouldn’t let me stop
We saw people all around
Life returning to this town
We crossed bridges here and there
I walked far with Brownie Bear


Birthday bear hugs

Happy birthday to Louise
You should do all that you please
Drink white wine, and eat sharp cheese
Teach the world like Socrates
Celebrate your expertise
Hope you get an ursine squeeze


At the Y I’ll dine

It’s almost nine
I’m out of wine
These guys are mine
I’m feeling fine


Hide the reindeer sausage

There once was a reindeer named Donner
To serve Santa Claus was his honor
He used his esteem
To hustle and scheme
A young elven lass and get on her


My jingle jangled

Letting myself go
Don’t care how much I weigh
Sweets and cookie dough
Gorging all the way
Hanging out with Linc
He is not too bright
I’ll sit back and quaff my drink
I’ve had enough tonight!
Brownie smells, Brownie smells
Brownie smells all day
He’s no fun to sit beside
His farts will make you pay
Brownie smells, Brownie smells
Brownie smells all day
He’s no fun to sit beside
His farts will make you pay


I’m thankful for this frozen pizza

I set the table – a grand display
The wine is flowing – hors d’oeuvres all day
I have never seen so many sides
Green bean casserole and sprouts besides
Candied yams, macaroni and cheese
Pass the potatoes and gravy please
Hot rolls and butter up the wazoo
I did not forget – cranberries too!
This roast turkey is driving me cray
With it’s intoxicating bouquet
Stuffing with bacon, onion and rye
A whipped cream dollop on pumpkin pie
While pondering festive foods I crave
The timer sounds on the microwave
Awakened from my autumnal trance
These fanciful treats won’t cause expanse
I won’t endure tryptophan syndrome
My Thanksgiving dream away from home


The culchies can drink!

They’re open!
They’re really open!
We don’t need chips with pints
The pubs are open!
They’re open!
Thank Christ they’re open!
It’s time to have some craic
The pubs are open!
They’re open!
They’re feckin’ open!
Let’s all have one tonight
The pubs are open!


Dear Micheál, show prudence

Dear Micheál, can’t we go out to play?
Dear Micheál, open pubs today
The Dutch can drink, the Greeks can too
And everyone in the EU
Dear Micheál, can’t we go out to play?
Dear Micheál, open up the pubs
Dear Micheál, don’t forget nightclubs
We want to drink and shake our hips
Why do I need to order chips?
Dear Micheál, won’t you open up the pubs?
Dear Micheál, let us drink and smile
Dear Micheál, we’ve been good a while
We’d like to buy some pints to drain
We want to drink and smile again
Dear Micheál, won’t you let us drink and smile?
Dear Micheál, can’t we go out to play?
Dear Micheál, open pubs today
The Dutch can drink, the Greeks can too
And everyone in the EU
Dear Micheál, can’t we go out to play?


The more you know

Here’s a helpful tip
If you have work due at nine
Don’t drink before eight


Substantially scuttered

On 29 June
You can drink your pints and eat
€9 Tayto


Phase craze

(18 May)
We’re now in phase one
The phase with no fun
(8 June)
Phase two on June 8
Can visit a mate
(29 June)
And when phase three drops
They’ll open most shops
(20 July)
The next phase is four
We’ll go shore to shore
(10 August)
And lastly phase five
The pubs are alive!!!


What’s good about it?

Good Friday isn’t good
Can’t do the things we should
The end of lent – so what?
The pubs are all still shut!
Can’t hike a single trail
Beyond my 2K pale
Can’t visit with me mates
No piles of food on plates
No Easter eggs to hunt
‘Cause Rona is a cunt
I guess I shouldn’t whine
When most I know are fine


I emptied my cask

I had to shop without a mask
Don’t come near me, that’s all I ask
Then I race home, done with my task
And sterilize with my hip flask


Feel the city breakin’

My kitchen doubles as a pub
My bathroom a salon
My dining room’s a country club
That looks out on my lawn
My bedroom is an office now
My living room a gym
It barely matters anyhow
When everything’s so grim
I used to work from nine to five
To properly provide
But now I work to stay alive
By staying put inside


Tinder tips

Today I was contemplating
If I should share tips for dating
Do not buy whiskey for Clodagh
She only drinks diet soda
You should not argue with Áine
She’ll throw you down and sit on ya
Don’t lend your money to Bronagh
She will not pay back one Krona
Be careful if you bang Fiadh
She gave a “friend” gonorrhea
Hope this did not make you sleepy
Why does it hurt when I peepee?


What is the range for Uber Eats?

This hunger might seem kind of silly
But I am craving Tommy’s chili
I want to nom it by the gallon
I blame it all on drinks with Alan


Using his pin to pull

There once was a man from Dún Laoghaire
A pioneer – horny and cheery
“A lad on the sauce
Is pushing with floss
That’s why I drink chai tea my deary”


Escaping with games

When it’s this cold, I’d rather hide
Under warm throws and stay inside
But I love games, so once a week
I revel in my outer geek
Into the pub, I jitterbug
And slide into a cozy snug
I have a pint and see my mates
We roll some dice and curse our fates
I do not keep a record sheet
Of all the times I taste defeat
While victories are always fun
I feel like I’ve already won


Ask your doctor if boner juice is right for you

There is a first mate in Balbriggan
Who got his balls caught in the riggin’
Now he cannot blast
Or get to full mast
Unless boner juice he is swiggin’


You say, “Stop” but I say, “Go, go, go”

At midnight the bells will be ringing
Of course Auld Lang Syne we’ll be singing
I hope that the new year is bringing
Relief to soothe all of the stinging
That 2019 generated
Goodbye to the things that we hated
Hello to the love we’ve awaited
Here’s wishing we’ll all be elated


The first of many

Frosty morning walk
Friends, presents, eating, and drinks
Kilkenny Christmas


Sean-Con 2019

They say you can’t go home again
But I went back and met a friend
A second friend! A third! A fourth!
So many friends I have up north
We played some games and ate good food
Which put me in a happy mood
I had some wine they drank some beer
Can’t wait to do again next year


Poitín > pot of gold

The spooky day will be here soon
I have been hyped since half past June
If you don’t like please don’t impugn
I like black cats, but I’m no loon
And over in this land of green
The treats are good, the tricks aren’t mean
And if you’re nice you’ll get poitín
That’s why I treasure Halloween