Did you make mankind after we made you?

Atheists don’t ever say grace
And “he” is always lower case
They don’t get hung up on belief
And sinning does not cause them grief
They don’t believe in virgin birth
They know that life ends here on earth
They don’t have hymns to soothe their soul
But atheists have rock and roll!


At least he didn’t stab it

A nasty young man from Stab City
Would do things that weren’t very pretty
He once traveled east
And paid off a priest
To lick a Kilkenny nun’s kitty


Happy treason day

In the US, all good things are gone
I loved it all my life
But I moved to start again
To get away from hate and strife
I thank my lucky stars
To be living here today
‘Cause this flag still stands for freedom
And they can’t take that away
And I’m proud to be an Irishman
Where at least I know I’m free
And I won’t forget the Jizztrumpet
He fucked my old country
And I’d gladly stand up at the bar
And get asked, “Are you okay?”
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt
That christians have
Ruined the USA


His mitre was quite ostentatious

A bishop who folks called Ignatius
Would drink beer and get quite pugnacious
He’d punch a few nuns
Then shoot off some guns
His sermons were lewd and salacious



Happy Star Wars Day!
May the 4th be with you all
And also with you


The death of Brian

There once was a fella named Brian
Nailed next to a fella who’s dyin’
The young fella said
Though he’d soon be dead
If you don’t see bright you’re not tryin’


Alice Nelson and the Brady Grail

There once was a housemaid named Alice
Who liked to clean Mike Brady’s phallus
She’d rub and tug it
Then lickety split
She’d drain it like the holy chalice


Teeny broad the naked barber of Main Street

There once was a lass from Youghal Harbour
Who grew up to work as a barber
She thought clothes were rude
So she cut hair nude
The nuns in town wanted to garb her


That’s what he and she said

“What’s up?” says he
“Not much,” says she
The back and forth futility
“Let’s meet again.”
“Sure thing, say when.”
Until the end of time – amen


Curable curse

The Mayo lads have lost again
Some say it is a curse
The crime committed by those men?
Not stopping for a hearse
In ’51 the jinx was cast
And only one remains
The rest are gone, he is the last
To rid Mayo of pains
But Dr. Mick is not to blame
For chances that were missed
Next year they’ll need to work on aim
And then Sam will be kissed


Mayo for Sam!

The folks in Mayo have the reek
Some people climb it every week
They pray to god and kill a lamb
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

Sligo and Leitrim both were beat
The tribesmen soon met their defeat
They told those Dublin lads to scram
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

In Westport there is red and green
The likes of which are rarely seen
Though Galway might not give a damn
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”

It’s been a long time since they’ve won
The last time – 1951
They’ll prove the curse was just a sham
“This year we want Mayo for Sam!
Mayo for Sam, Mayo for Sam
Let’s beat Tyrone – Mayo for Sam!”


Too much time

A mistress just outed her pastor
His love life is now a disaster
He’s changed up his plans
For laying on hands
At bation he’ll soon be a master


And ever, ramen!

When I’ve done something that’s rotten
But my friends have all forgotten
When I argue and won’t give in
And my friends have all forgiven
Ask if I’m wrong, they say never
I keep friends like that forever


Feel his burning love!

A cleric named Abzan Farnese
When burning things sure wasn’t lazy
He’d torch foes and then
He’d blaze them again
You might say he’s combustion crazy


Who converted whom?

There once was a Mormon on mission
Who learned he’d a unique condition
When he would convert
He then couldn’t squirt
Unless in the doggie position


Lent is over!

There once was a sweet baby Jesus
Who did all he could just to please us
Then nailed to two planks
We show our deep thanks
With baskets of eggs and Maltesers


Seems fallible to me

“Pope” says gays should have a union
Not sacrament like communion
I think gays should have a marriage
All else is justice miscarriage
The church has never liked the gays
That’s why it is their end of days
Jesus was for love and mercy
Not child-loving controversy


Help me mommy!

There once was a human shaped shit pile
Fly landed and then made the shit smile
The shit was Mike Pence
So smug and intense
Fly sorted him into his shit file


Ja oder Nein

You might be liberal
But you’re probably fascist
Or Secret Hitler


The homily was gas

The other day, I met a lass
Intoxicating charm and class
Good wine was drunk glass after glass
She beckoned me to tap her ass
An offer that I could not pass
A lovely way to spend a mass


Sacred sausage

There was a nun named Sister Egan
Who loved her veg ’cause she was vegan
She also liked wheat
But never touched meat
Unless it came from Father Keegan


It wasn’t me

When a drummer meets a drummer
Which one is the bummer?
When a ranger meets a ranger
Which one is in danger?
When a poet meets a poet
Which one doesn’t know it?
When a martyr meets a martyr
Which one is the farter?


Excremential crisis

In just one month I’m 52
I have ennui and deja vu
I do not know what I should do
I could wear black or powder blue
I could eat steak or Irish stew
I could watch Jaws or something new
I could just pee or full on poo
Lord give a sign here in the loo!


Pray or prey?

The walking man walks
But where does he go?
The talking man talks
How much does he know?
The winning man wins
But what does he play?
The sinning man sins
For whom does he pray?


When the saints go marching in

There is a long walk
Before a long wake
The priest gives a talk
Before tea and cake
The friends laugh and cry
And all shed a tear
With glasses raised high
They all give a cheer


Not that there’s anything wrong with that

There once was a father named Eamonn
Who got a big kick out of gay men
He liked how they’d play
With shirts off all day
Abú, hallelujah and amen!


What’s with the Crisco

There once was a pope named Francisco
Who roofied some dudes at a disco
With all of the noise
The three altar boys
Were certainly worth the huge risk-o


But you should share this

Go see the pope in Phoenix Park
Stroll through an alley after dark
Jump in a pile of broken glass
Ignore effects of greenhouse gas
Elect outsiders out of spite
In thunderstorms go fly a kite
Don’t bother wiping after poo
These are some things you should not do


X for tá

Today my vote was cast
To end the passé past
I’m hoping that my Yes
Will end this holy mess


Get your rosaries off their ovaries

The Irish might repeal the 8th
The no side is aligned with faith
The yes side cares for women’s health
Access should not be based on wealth
Abortion can cause frenzied fights
You’re for the church or human rights
I will not make you have to guess
This Friday I will be a Yes


So over 2017

Can’t wait for this year to end
So hard losing my best friend
Jizztrumpet is a big child
Neo-Nazis running wild
Orders for a Muslim ban
Stimulates the Ku Klux Klan
All women hashtag #MeToo
Roy Moore’s lawyer is a Jew
Rich folks got a big tax break
Bigots won’t bake wedding cake
Star Wars fans hate number VIII
Next year best be fucking great

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