Always on – never off

No rest for the wicked
That’s true for this dickhead
Since I am my own boss
I do not gather moss
While some have night-time fun
My work is never done


Violence is never the answer

I do feel bad for Jada’s hair
But she’s a multi-millionaire
She got compared to GI Jane
A fighter who could withstand pain
That Will Smith slap was just not right
He brought a gun to a word fight
I hope that when we disagree
That you won’t throw a punch at me


West Side Limerick

There once was a Jet known as Tony
Who kept gangster Riff as a crony
He then took a twirl
With a PR girl
But did not end in matrimony


I feel fine

Late to the party
Two years after it began
I blame Paddy’s Day


Time of month

If Tom’s in town, don’t be a fool
Or else you’ll get a bloody tool
‘Cause every month ol’ Tom calls in
Reminding us of Eve’s first sin
Give her a kiss, massage or hug
Take out the trash, vacuum the rug
Buy comfort food when Tom’s in town
And you’ll turn that frown upside-down


Four-way hentai

There was a kaiju from Manila
Who thought his sex life too vanilla
He paid the madame
For wham-bang-and-bam
With Mothra, Rodan and Godzilla


Kiss me I’m a yank

Kiss me I’m Irish, that’s what I would say
Back when I was in the US of A
Now I’m in Ireland, and lassies don’t care
I say I’m Irish, and they blankly stare
Kiss me I’m yankee, that just doesn’t work
I won’t get a kiss, I’ll feel like a jerk
I put on my green, I hope and I pray
That I’ll get a kiss on St. Patrick’s Day


32 shades of green

Kilkenny’s green, and so’s Kildare
Roscommon, Galway, Laois and Clare
Limerick’s as green as Irish stew
They’re green in Tipperary too
It’s green in Carlow and Westmeath
In Wicklow, Offaly and Meath
They’re green in Cork and Dublin town
But not up north in County Down
The west is green, and so’s the south
The east is green way up to Louth
Fermanagh is a green-free zone
As well as Armagh and Tyrone
There’s none more green than Kerry fair
But not so in the Derry air
In Antrim, giants walk the sea
While Leitrim’s as green as can be
Six Ulster counties are not green
Why was the UK so damn mean?
It’s weird that Cavan, Monaghan
And Donegal weren’t in their plan
The Fords of Water, Wex and Long
Still think the British got it wrong
The greens of Sligo and Mayo
Want Brits to give back what they owe
Until six counties change their hue
It won’t be green in 32


Fill ‘er up fantasies

A greedy and vile petrol station
Would gouge due to war and inflation
The owner was caught
While sailing his yacht
The swift punishment was castration


What I think of Linc

I used to think that Linc was cool
The kind of cat that I adore
But now he covers me in drool
And knocks my LEGO on the floor


It ain’t easy being green

They raised the price to light a light
And that increase was total shite
This tax came in because the greens
Said we should not use some machines
But their machines are fairly dear
And you can hardly get them here
To make things worse, inflation hit
And we still knew their plan was shit
They’re giving us 200 quid
So we’ll forget just what they did
I’ll take that dough and make a bet
That Irish voters won’t forget


Chilly Willie’s willy

There once was a skier named Willie
Who never was warm, but was chilly
The story was told
He always was cold
And ended up with shrinking willy


Long days and pleasant nights

It happens every year
True Irish far and near
Will see the sun and cheer
The grand auld stretch is here!

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