Chilly Willie’s willy

There once was a skier named Willie
Who never was warm, but was chilly
The story was told
He always was cold
And ended up with shrinking willy


Long days and pleasant nights

It happens every year
True Irish far and near
Will see the sun and cheer
The grand auld stretch is here!


Three degrees of urination

Woke up this morn, ’twas minus three
Got out of bed to have a pee
The ice cold floor was such a shock
Warm urine dribbled out my cock
My feet had frozen to the floor
As I leaked out a little more
The trickle turned into a stream
In panic, I let out a scream
So in came Linc and Brownie Bear
While I wailed in wet underwear
Then Brownie stepped into the piss
It splashed on Linc who gave a hiss
The two of them began to fight
While I assessed my pissy plight
I heard them roar and bark and howl
As I reached for the nearest towel
My feet had warmed – no longer stuck
I pulled them free of all the muck
Into the shower I did go
At last the urine ceased its flow
I cleaned the pets, I cleaned the floor
I cleaned myself three times or four
I threw the wet clothes in the bin
We will not speak of this again!


Christmas with the cats

It’s time for joy and festive cheer
But things are different this year
I could not get back to the states
So now I’ll spend it with me mates
They’re wearing black and amber hats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
It’s not the same and that’s ok
I’ll celebrate a brand new way
Just like LA it won’t be white
But over here, the weather’s shite
My parents send me online chats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I want to party till it’s late
But this year pubs will close at eight
No ugly sweaters on display
No pub crawls on St. Stephen’s Day
I blame the feckin’ bureaucrats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I have to bring a biscuit tin
Or else my friends won’t let me in
The wine is mulled, the pudding’s plum
The pies have mince, yeah that sounds dumb
The yummy sweets – the tasty fats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats


Brighter days ahead

It’s winter solstice
The shortest day of the year
Sunlight is coming!


Oh my gourd!

A couple named Pumpkin and Peter
Were cold so they sat by the heater
Pete wanted a bite
But try as he might
She was so hard, he couldn’t eat her


Tooth – two

I started off with Zombie Dice
At push your luck, it’s pretty nice
I then played Tsuro of the Seas
At laying tiles, this game’s a breeze
Then Codenames was the last game played
My clues were great, we had it made
Don’t want to start an argument
But no one knew just what I meant
As clear as day – a key has teeth!
Those jagged bits from underneath
It was a stretch, and that’s ok
‘Cause win or lose, we got to play!


The brownest month

The leaves have fallen
And Brownie’s poo is steaming
Must be November


I’m not a good friend

When your pain has doubled
And you need someone to care
Like always you’re facing your darkest nights
Don’t you ever think of me
For I will not be there
I’d rather be receiving my last rites
I just think that you’re lame
And your attitude’s to blame
I start backing, oh yeah, from you real slow
Winter, spring, summer, or autumn
Someday soon you’ll hit rock bottom
And I’ll say that, yeah, yeah, yeah, “I told you so!”


Peanut butter fish

Jellyfish jellyfish
Laying on the sand
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my hand
Jellyfish jellyfish
Dying in this heat
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my feet
Jellyfish jellyfish
Sitting on the rock
Jellyfish jellyfish
Please don’t sting my cock


I will have you – yes, I will have you

I love sipping on iced chai lattes
The perfect drink on those real hot days
It’s cool and it’s sweet
An afternoon treat
If I could I’d guzzle them always


Weather or not

Another scorcher
Not a thunderstorm in sight
Fuck you Met Éireann


Late night – late light

Not to worry yet
The days are getting shorter
But it’s light at 10


The flowers are underwater

An Irish April
The perfunctory showers
Will bring May showers


Ted fled

To Cancún Ted chose to go Cruzin’
Which Texans did not find amusin’
While his poodle froze
He packed up his clothes
And showed how a loser does losin’


In other good news…

The sun is shining
Vaccinations have started
Rush Limbaugh is dead


The pumpkin spice must flow

It’s autumn bitches!
Cooling down, colorful, and
Pumpkin spice for all!


Ellen’s wet ass precipitation

Red, orange, yellow
Warnings all over the place
I hope Cork can float


Sun is best!

Nothing beats a sunny day
Better than the wet and grey
Better than a March with hail
Better than a gusty gale
Better than an April rain
Better than a snowy plain
Better than a windy May
Better than a foggy bay
Better than a gloomy June
Better than the stars and moon
Better than a hot July
Better than a darkened sky
Don’t know what more I can say
Nothing beats a sunny day


Serene routine

Walked the dog for exercise
Under partly cloudy skies
Got the clothes in from the line
Poured myself a glass of wine
Played some games and won a few
Hope tomorrow’s this good too


This limerick has been canceled

My plans for spring have been deleted
My TP supply is depleted
This Covid-19
Is foul and obscene
I can’t wait till it is defeated


Escaping with games

When it’s this cold, I’d rather hide
Under warm throws and stay inside
But I love games, so once a week
I revel in my outer geek
Into the pub, I jitterbug
And slide into a cozy snug
I have a pint and see my mates
We roll some dice and curse our fates
I do not keep a record sheet
Of all the times I taste defeat
While victories are always fun
I feel like I’ve already won


Clouding my judgement

Is it just wishful thinking?
Or is the darkness shrinking?
The days are getting longer
My will is growing stronger
But cloudy silver lining
Is blocking all the shining!


Hidden talents

Yesterday I hid in the sun
It was hot and it sure was fun
Now today I hide in a cloud
It is wet and thunder is loud
And someday I’ll hide in the moon
When it’s safe and that won’t be soon


The first of many

Frosty morning walk
Friends, presents, eating, and drinks
Kilkenny Christmas


Darkness imprisoning me

Not only has today been dark
It’s rained enough to launch an ark
The wet and cold are now allied
I do not wish to go outside


Apologies to Reg

I can’t find sun in Irish wintertime
I know it’s cold, but that’s another deal
Outside’s darkness when I hit snooze on the damn alarm
But these clocks I have, hard to believe their time is real
Don’t let the sun go down at three
When walking home from town, it’s always dark and I can’t see
So please allow a small beam of that light to shine on me
‘Cause here at wintertime is like the sun going down at three


I’m getting out of Cali

The last two weeks were number one
Though I was always on the run
And rain and clouds obscured the sun
But seeing friends was really fun
I played some games and even won
Time with my folks – second to none
I did so much – I did a ton
A great two weeks but now it’s done


What the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks?!?

In California, the weather is nice
So they play hockey inside and on ice
On the Emerald Isle, you can freeze your ass
So they play hockey outside and on grass


It also came early

I heard there was some snow nearby
At least one flake fell from the sky
I wipe some moisture from my eye
“It’s time for fruitcake and mince pie!
The tree and lights are standing by!
I’ll get mom shoes and dad a tie!
Let’s take some pix with that fat guy!
IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME!” – my battle cry


This is how Frankenstein started

Outside it rains as hard as fuck
Inside the house all day I’m stuck
My cabin fever runs amok
Dreary November sure does suck