Category: Ridiculous Rhymes

220105

220105
Three degrees of urination

Woke up this morn, ’twas minus three
Got out of bed to have a pee
The ice cold floor was such a shock
Warm urine dribbled out my cock
My feet had frozen to the floor
As I leaked out a little more
The trickle turned into a stream
In panic, I let out a scream
So in came Linc and Brownie Bear
While I wailed in wet underwear
Then Brownie stepped into the piss
It splashed on Linc who gave a hiss
The two of them began to fight
While I assessed my pissy plight
I heard them roar and bark and howl
As I reached for the nearest towel
My feet had warmed – no longer stuck
I pulled them free of all the muck
Into the shower I did go
At last the urine ceased its flow
I cleaned the pets, I cleaned the floor
I cleaned myself three times or four
I threw the wet clothes in the bin
We will not speak of this again!

220103

220103
So many options

As a yank
Should I wank
Till there’s nothing in the tank?
Or
As a mick
Should I flick
Rapidly upon my dick?
Or
As a chap
Should I slap
My salami and then nap?

211231

211231
And don’t come back!

Goodbye to 2021
It has been real, but not real fun
Welcome to 2022
Will you be good, or stink like poo?

211227

211227
Roll on omicron!

First 2020 came
And it was plenty lame
In 2021
Still 2020 won
Will 2022
Be 2020 too?
Can we be Covid free
By 2023?!?

211224

211224
Christmas with the cats

It’s time for joy and festive cheer
But things are different this year
I could not get back to the states
So now I’ll spend it with me mates
They’re wearing black and amber hats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
It’s not the same and that’s ok
I’ll celebrate a brand new way
Just like LA it won’t be white
But over here, the weather’s shite
My parents send me online chats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I want to party till it’s late
But this year pubs will close at eight
No ugly sweaters on display
No pub crawls on St. Stephen’s Day
I blame the feckin’ bureaucrats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats
I have to bring a biscuit tin
Or else my friends won’t let me in
The wine is mulled, the pudding’s plum
The pies have mince, yeah that sounds dumb
The yummy sweets – the tasty fats
This year it’s Christmas with the cats

211222

211222
I can do this all day

So that was Hawkeye
Another show done
The season is over
When is the next one?
And so that was Hawkeye
I really had fun
The old nearly deaf one
Kate Bishop’s quite young
A very happy Marvel
An excelsior year
Can’t wait for the next one
It’s Moon Knight, I hear
It started with Wanda (-Hawkeye’s over-)
Then Bucky and Sam (-You should watch it-)
Now there’s more than one Loki (-Hawkeye’s over-)
Thor just said, “Goddamn!” (-Now-)
Black Widow and Shang-Chi (-Hawkeye’s over-)
What If…? had some fright (-You should watch it-)
Doc Ock and Green Goblin (-Hawkeye’s over-)
Three Spiders to fight (-Now-)
A very happy Marvel
An excelsior year
Except for Eternals
It’s bad, so I hear

211215

211215
Bacardi party

The office Christmas party fun
Was started with Bacardi rum
The punch was spiked, the bongs were lit
And HR didn’t give a shit
The mistletoe was hung with care
Above the boss’s derrière
The secretaries did burlesque
While interns banged upon a desk
The salesmen want to get ahead
But it’s too hard, that’s what she said
Then Santa came in through the rear
That’s when the party got in gear
While eating snacks and drinking beer
He punched an elf and shot eight deer
This should have ended his career
But he’ll be back same time next year

211213

211213
This stinks

Come on poo
I’ll wait for you
There’s not much else that I can do
Come on poo
I think you’re due
That’s why I push until I’m blue
Come on poo
I think we’re through
You’ll always be my number two

211208

211208
Even Alice loves Santa

Never wants to give a kid a lump of coal
Santa lives with reindeer up at the North Pole
With a little round belly that shakes like jelly
And a simple case of he’s a jolly ol’ soul
Old kids wonder if Santa’s just a dream
His role at Christmas is a bit extreme
But what do you expect from an elf who’s never seen?
And ho, ho, ho, you know what I mean
All the young kids love Santa
Jolly ol’ Saint Nick they say
Come down through the chimney
Dear Santa please bring me
Presents on this Christmas day
All the young kids love Santa
Jolly ol’ Saint Nick they say
If I give you my letter
Will you promise I’ll get more
Presents on this Christmas day?

211206

211206
Semen on a demon

There is a demon on a shelf
He wears the skin of Santa’s elf
He keeps an eye on girls and boys
To rob them of their Christmas toys
He tells their parents they’ve been bad
Because he loves when kids are sad
He tells such lies with hateful glee
So you’ll get nothing ‘neath the tree
No bikes to ride or games to play
And when he ruins Christmas Day
He hides behind the cups and delph
That demon can go fuck himself!

211201

211201
I like pi

New variant is omicron
The seventh after epsilon
If this one doesn’t make me die
Maybe I’ll get a slice of pi

211129

211129
I even checked my butthole

I have a thing I cannot find
I think I’ve gone and lost my mind
There was a time I had it here
But it’s been gone at least a year
I’ve checked the closets and the drawers
I’ve checked the ceilings and the floors
My mind is not inside my head
Nor is it hiding ‘neath the bed
I’ve looked outside and under there
I just made you say underwear
I’ve searched around the potted plants
And in the pockets of my pants
My Irish friends just laughed I swear
‘Cause pants to them mean underwear
I really hope it’s just misplaced
A mind’s an awful thing to waste
But if it’s gone, I will be fine
As long as one thing’s always mine
I must keep it at any cost
My sense of humor can’t be lost

211124

211124
A yank’s thanks

I’m often asked, since I’m away
How do I spend Thanksgiving Day?
I do not have a big turkey
No stuffing, yams nor cranberry
I do not have my family here
No football games to watch and cheer
I kind of think, most displaced yanks
Just look around and give their thanks
That’s not to say I do not miss
A feast worthy of a chef’s kiss
Or seeing mom or Tom or dad
Of course those things do make me sad
But this is where my feet did roam
I’m in my new forever home
Although it’s far from you to me
I’m just right where I want to be

211122

211122
It came home!

The Trojans put up 33
The Bruins dropped a 62
Another year for Chip Kelly
The bell is back, it’s gold and blue

211117

211117
Tooth – two

I started off with Zombie Dice
At push your luck, it’s pretty nice
I then played Tsuro of the Seas
At laying tiles, this game’s a breeze
Then Codenames was the last game played
My clues were great, we had it made
Don’t want to start an argument
But no one knew just what I meant
As clear as day – a key has teeth!
Those jagged bits from underneath
It was a stretch, and that’s ok
‘Cause win or lose, we got to play!

211110

211110
Meow? Me ow!

“Meow, meow!” Linc yells at me
He interrupts my morning tea
“Meow, meow!” He cries for lunch
I give him something he can munch
“Meow, meow!” It’s dinner time
An empty bowl my heinous crime
“Meow, meow!” It’s time for bed
This feckin’ cat is in my head
“Meow, meow!” His constant cry
He screams at me until I die…

211108

211108
Fuck State Farm too!

Steelers are black
Packers are green
Aaron Rodgers is a fucking, lying,
anti-vaxxer, piece of shit

211103

211103
Knackered in Kilkenny

I went and joined Tinder and Bumble
So my self confidence could crumble
I thought I’d be a master dater
Instead I’m still a masturbater

211101

211101
It’s alive!

I was handing out candy, late last night
And I woke this morning at first light
And suddenly to my surprise
My Christmas tree began to rise
He did the smash – he did the pumpkin smash
The pumpkin smash – orange seeds in a splash
He did the smash – he threw guts in the trash
He did the smash – he did the pumpkin smash
From my back garden to my living room
He was smashing gourds for a pumpkin tomb
His allies came from the nurseries
They were hammer-wielding Christmas trees
They did the smash – they did the pumpkin smash
The pumpkin smash – orange seeds in a splash
They did the smash – they threw guts in the trash
They did the smash – they did the pumpkin smash

211025

211025
Zombie céilí

Everybody scream
Everybody yell
This is not a dream
It’s a scene from hell
Zombies are dancing at Copper Face Jacks
Not a single mask – not a single vax
Everybody dance
At the zombie rave
Crawling in a trance
From their fresh dug grave
Zombies are dining at Copper Face Jacks
They are eating fronts – they are eating backs
If you value life
Everybody run
Get yourself a knife
Get yourself a gun
Zombies are killing at Cooper Face Jacks
They’re hunting alone and roaming in packs

211020

211020
Save the boobies

Some are pink, and some are brown
Some are flat, and some are round
Some are A, and some are C
Some are even Double D
Some will bounce, and some will sway
I can look at some all day
Some are young, and some are old
Some are cute, and some are bold
Some are fake, and some are real
Some provide a baby’s meal
Some are big, and some are small
I don’t care, I like them all

211018

211018
Fartin’ Jay Brownbear

He put a smell on you
From his behind
In fact the house now smells like poo
Oh god – I ain’t lyin’
Linc and I can’t stand it
We’re running away
You’re still stinky Brownie
The house reeks like a shit bouquet
He put a smell on you
From his behind

211013

211013
He boldly went

Shatner has blasted off of earth
He’s left the planet of his birth
The ship can’t find a place to dock
His ego’s stuck in the airlock
He wears his captain’s courage badge
To deal with own harsh sabotage

211011

211011
Pumpkin pawing period

October can be hideous
When ghosts and goblins pity us
Be sure to make the pixies proud
By showing them you are endowed
With mighty gourds and giant squash
They’ll love your swagger and panache
So go and grab that orange butt
But wait to make the deepest cut

211006

211006
His number one trick

I took Brownie for a walk
He went pee on every block
We had walked about a mile
When he made a young girl smile
I don’t know what made her beam
Maybe it was Brownie’s stream
Wonder if he’d been a hit
If she had seen Brownie shit

211004

211004
I’m not a good friend

When your pain has doubled
And you need someone to care
Like always you’re facing your darkest nights
Don’t you ever think of me
For I will not be there
I’d rather be receiving my last rites
I just think that you’re lame
And your attitude’s to blame
I start backing, oh yeah, from you real slow
Winter, spring, summer, or autumn
Someday soon you’ll hit rock bottom
And I’ll say that, yeah, yeah, yeah, “I told you so!”

210929

210929
Sharing is caring

Fewer and fewer seem to care
Hardly any have clicked on share
If you enjoy a rhyme or two
A simple like or heart will do

210927

210927
Going off the furrow

I don’t know what I’m drinking
I’ve fallen off three wagons
My brain has started thinking
Do all dungeons have dragons?
Can you cry under water?
Did Prince own any plain clothes?
Does laughter lead to slaughter?
Do unicorns fart rainbows?

210922

210922
Mistress of the fabulous!

Elvira’s in the dark no more
She’s found a woman to adore
It’s not too late for new love or
To open up that closet door

210920

210920
That’s what he and she said

“What’s up?” says he
“Not much,” says she
The back and forth futility
“Let’s meet again.”
“Sure thing, say when.”
Until the end of time – amen

210913

210913
Curable curse

The Mayo lads have lost again
Some say it is a curse
The crime committed by those men?
Not stopping for a hearse
In ’51 the jinx was cast
And only one remains
The rest are gone, he is the last
To rid Mayo of pains
But Dr. Mick is not to blame
For chances that were missed
Next year they’ll need to work on aim
And then Sam will be kissed