150909

150909
48 sure is great

For my birthday I have one wish
I don’t want steak or any fish
Take back your gifts and keep your checks
‘Cause all I want is birthday sex

150318

150318
Don’t be misled there’s always bed

I think I’ll just go back to bed
Wind blew the hat off of my head
My jeans don’t fit ’cause I’m too fat
My only friend’s a one-eyed cat
I found a bug in my sandwich
I drove my car into a ditch
I owe way more than I can pay
I got shit on by a blue jay
My job is slowly killing me
It sometimes hurts when I go pee
My doctor says I’ll soon be dead
I think I’ll just go back to bed

150223

150223
LOL’d at Blackhawks

Tom and Lourdes came to visit
The good times were quite exquisite
We started with the butterflies
The Rib Line had beach balls and fries
We drove around to taste some wine
About that time, we felt real fine
Joe Daddy was in the Casa
We ate tortas like a boss-a
Then played Dixit and Zombie Dice
About that time, sleep sure was nice
Waffles made from cinnamon rolls
Accompanied by fruit in bowls
Sent T and L off on their way
We did all that in just one day!

141205

141205
Read in Morgan Freeman’s voice

You feel it in your heart
You feel it in your feet
You really need to fart
Afraid you’ll stain the sheet
You take a breath of air
And clench your muscles tight
You squeeze it out with care
But hold with all your might
It makes a squelching blast
Your heart is filled with dread
You let it out too fast
You’ve gone and shit the bed

140919

140919
Brave but not free

Scotland might be brave
But it isn’t free
They’ll go to the grave
With a dream to be

140807

140807
Let’s burn Atlanta just to be safe

As frightening as the Ayatollah
A dude in Atlanta has Ebola
The CDC has this man in a bed
Like the beginning of The Walking Dead
While they do their best to stop the outbreak
It’s hard to be sure the threat’s real or fake
I don’t know if it’s the end or prologue
But I’m getting a crossbow and a hog

140623

140623
Wet spot

Before you go to bed
To get your forty winks
You have to plan ahead
Don’t have so many drinks
If you indulge too much
You won’t have restful bliss
You’ll toss and turn and such
Because you have to piss
Your bladder starts to ache
You stumble to the john
Not totally awake
You leave your undies on
You can’t hold back the sea
The liquid must expel
So now you’re soaked with pee
And wide awake as well

140411

140411
That’s so Junior High

I’m the kind of guy
Who loves to eat pie
I wish I could buy
An endless supply
But when they are dry
I suddenly cry
With tears in my eye
I wipe them and sigh
I cannot deny
This is not a lie
As George says, “Oh my!”

1225

1225
Did you get it?

Did you get a Barbie doll?
Did you get a basketball?
Did you get a brand new car?
Did you get a steel guitar?
Did you get that fun new game?
Did you get a picture frame?
Did you get a gold iPhone?
Did you get some sweet cologne?
Did you get the xbox one?
Did you get a BB gun?
Did you get a racing bike?
Did you get that thing you like?
Did you get a choo choo train?
Did you get a golden chain?
Did you get a chia pet?
Did you get a clarinet?
As we eat our Christmas spread
Think of those without a bed
There are folks that just want life
For their brother or their wife
There are kids out in the street
Looking for a scrap to eat
Is there something you can do
To help make these dreams come true?

1030

1030
Too much bedtime Lovecraft

Around midnight, I go to sleep
Into my dream, terrors do creep
Panic and fear begin to spread
There’s a creature under my bed!
His skin is red; his eyes are black
He’s giving me a heart-attack!
I cannot run, his filthy fists
Have grabbed my feet; he grabbed my wrists!
He’s the reason for my nightmares
I try to scream but no one cares!
Though I’m half-mad from all the fright
I thrash about with all my might
Then I awake, weak and weary
I’m soaked with sweat; eyes are bleary
My head feels strange and new to me
Was that a dream or fantasy?

1009

1009
Same thing every night

You’ve been fed
Stupid head
Go to bed
Or you’re dead!

1005

1005
By his grotesque appendage

I dreamed of Cthulhu last night
The nightmare caused me such a fright
While sailing on the clear blue sea
His tentacles reached out to me
Caught between terror and panic
His pulpy head was gigantic
Part dragon and part crustacean
I cowered with trepidation
The horror would not go away
He ensnared me to my dismay
He dragged me screaming for a mile
Back to his Cyclopean isle
I struggled ‘gainst his slimy hands
And dwelled not on his ghastly plans
Doomed by this unholy kraken
I hoped I would soon awaken
Remarkably a new day dawned
My eyes opened and then I yawned
It’s over now, I’ll be all right
I dreamed of Cthulhu last night

0918

0918
She does not dawdle

Kelly is a plus-sized porn model
Who posts smart blogs not silly twaddle
Though she started late
Her acting’s first rate
Just watch her partners shoot their waddle

0831

0831
Only in Cali

There once was a man from the valley
Who had a girlfriend known as Sally
Though he wasn’t hot
She liked him a lot
He knew how to dilly her dally

0808

0808
Get down make love

I really miss Queen
You know what I mean?
Brian May’s smart licks
Roger Taylor’s sticks
Deacon was steady
Damn, I miss Freddie

0728

0728
Stay golden pony boy

Nothing Gold Can Stay
By Robert Frost

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.

0724

0724
Makes me want to gorge

Willie and Kate chose a name
Regal and worthy of fame
The name agrees with most folk
It’s not the butt of a joke
Oh the paths this king will forge!
‘Cause nothing bad rhymes with George
But that’s not true for Georgie
They forgot about orgy!

0710

0710
Paging Mr. Sandman

Jean and Sean
Were up till dawn
Because they couldn’t sleep well
Jean felt dead
With Pounding head
And Sean was in his own hell

0623

0623
We were trippin’

Journey’s End
By J. R. R. Tolkien

In western lands beneath the Sun
The flowers may rise in Spring,
The trees may bud, the waters run,
The merry finches sing.
Or there maybe ’tis cloudless night,
And swaying branches bear
The Elven-stars as jewels white
Amid their branching hair.

Though here at journey’s end I lie
In darkness buried deep,
Beyond all towers strong and high,
Beyond all mountains steep,
Above all shadows rides the Sun
And Stars for ever dwell:
I will not say the Day is done,
Nor bid the Stars farewell.

0527

0527
Holiday haiku

Got to sleep in late
Spent the day with Sweetie Pea
Went to bed early

0208

0208
Rain is for suckers

I detest the rain
Driving’s such a pain
If it rained at night
That would be alright

0109

0109
Limerick me right there

There once was a couple from Lompoc
Who hiked up a hill by a scrub oak
They played in the sun
And had lot’s of fun
Then finished their day with a nice poke

0106

0106
There are strange things done in the midnight sun.

The Cremation of Sam McGee
By Robert W. Service

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South to roam ’round the Pole, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he’d often say in his homely way that “he’d sooner live in hell.”

On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! through the parka’s fold it stabbed like a driven nail.
If our eyes we’d close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn’t see;
It wasn’t much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.

And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,
And the dogs were fed, and the stars o’erhead were dancing heel and toe,
He turned to me, and “Cap,” says he, “I’ll cash in this trip, I guess;
And if I do, I’m asking that you won’t refuse my last request.”

Well, he seemed so low that I couldn’t say no; then he says with a sort of moan:
“It’s the cursèd cold, and it’s got right hold till I’m chilled clean through to the bone.
Yet ’tain’t being dead—it’s my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;
So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you’ll cremate my last remains.”

A pal’s last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;
And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.

There wasn’t a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn’t get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: “You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it’s up to you to cremate those last remains.”

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,
Howled out their woes to the homeless snows— O God! how I loathed the thing.

And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;
The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I’d often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.

Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the “Alice May.”
And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;
Then “Here,” said I, with a sudden cry, “is my cre-ma-tor-eum.”

Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;
Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;
The flames just soared, and the furnace roared—such a blaze you seldom see;
And I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.

Then I made a hike, for I didn’t like to hear him sizzle so;
And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don’t know why;
And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.

I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: “I’ll just take a peep inside.
I guess he’s cooked, and it’s time I looked”; … then the door I opened wide.

And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: “Please close that door.
It’s fine in here, but I greatly fear you’ll let in the cold and storm—
Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it’s the first time I’ve been warm.”

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

0103

0103
I <3 @monkeecat68

Last night I sounded like a lion roaring
It must have seemed like you were on safari
My head cold caused some cacophonous snoring
You were up all night and for that I’m sorry

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