150520
Top 10 reasons we’re sad
10. No more lists that go to ten
9. No more Regis on again
8. No more banter with ol’ Paul
7. No more velcro on the wall
6. No more reading viewer mail
5. No more Paris out of jail
4. No more stupid human tricks
3. No more flipping cards like bricks
2. No more will I stay up late
1. Goodbye Dave, you’re more than great!
150518
Why is GoT so rapey?
I’ll still watch you Game of Thrones
Though you chill me to my bones
Biggest question with this show
Why do you hate women so?
Sand snakes aren’t as good as guys
They should fight someone their size
Arya beaten with a rod
Queen is jailed by the god squad
She can’t even help her bro
‘Cause they say he’s a big ‘mo
Poor Sansa should have escaped
Not all women should be raped
150513
Got a pocket full of quarters
Always an underachiever
I never had Pac-Man fever
At the arcade, this old-timer
Had a case of Crazy Climber
150506
Stop scratching!
The cat has no hair
On his derrière
He looks pretty dumb
With his hairless bum
150504
And also with you
If you know Han shot first
And that Jar Jar’s the worst
If your love tells you so
And you just say, “I know”
If you drink milk that’s blue
May the Fourth be with you
150501
She’s da bomb pop
Living the dream
Eating ice cream
With my sweetie by my side
It’s such a thrill
That she’s so chill
I’m grateful that she’s my bride
150429
Crazy complex and crazy cool
We played a game called AquaSphere
It’s Stefan Feld under the sea
And octopods will cause you fear
Unless your bots can make them flee
150427
Does my life make you jelli?
While eating toast and jelly
I got from a new deli
I turn on our old telly
And watch Michael and Kelly
Then noises in my belly
Squeak out and are real smelly
150424
That fellow is a fellow human
Humans aren’t throwaways
Humans aren’t dirty strays
We should never ration
Our human compassion
150420
In da couch
We live at Four Twenty
We have fun a plenty
Like the Waldos in San Rafael
We live on East Cook Street
And when the day’s complete
We chill out and feel pretty swell
150415
He waggle danced across my hood
Mr. Bee, you’re on my car
Are you trying to go far?
I sped up, and off you flew
Didn’t get to bid adieu
150413
HRC > GOP
Hillary’s prez bid should not stun
She’s the first First Lady to run
I kind of hope that when it’s done
She’ll be the first lady who’s won
150408
Don’t mess with Brownie
Took the dogs out for a walk
Didn’t get around the block
Stupid dogs a few doors down
Charged at Brownie – made him frown
So he opened up his maw
And he smacked them with his paw
Sent them off with one last growl
Raven joined in with a howl
Tomorrow we’ll try once more
Hope their parents lock the door
150406
No train no gain
Brownie likes to chew on stuff
But we feel he’s chewed enough
I’ll distract him with a bone
So he won’t destroy my phone
When I put away my shoe
He’ll have one less thing to chew
When I put away my socks
He may start to chew on rocks
If he doesn’t chew our sheets
He will get a walk and treats
If we train him to obey
He will get a walk each day
150403
Or I’d be rhyming about roosters
I might have a writer’s block
I could have a writer’s smock
I do have a writer’s walk
I opened a writer’s lock
And this might come as a shock
I don’t have a writer’s cock
150401
A hot foot is a cold caper
Here are some rules
For April Fools
Know who to jape
Don’t scare an ape
Know what to joke
No death or stroke
Know where to prank
Don’t kid a bank
Know why to fool
Don’t be a tool
Know how to trick
Master the slick
Know when to jest
You’ll be the best
150330
I ain’t goin’ anywhere tbh
I ain’t goin’ to Havana
Unless I’m wearing armor plate
I ain’t goin’ to Montana
I’d rather sun burn in Kuwait
I ain’t goin’ to Savannah
I’d sooner avoid the whole state
I’m skipping Louisiana
Unless I need to urinate
Not goin’ to Indiana
They need to learn to tolerate
They are not Americana
Unless you think it’s good to hate
150327
An excerpt from my upcoming musical Oklahomeless
SEAN
I did it
I really did it
I had a thing to do, and then I did it
CHORUS
He did it
He barely did it
At first it didn’t work, but then he did it
JEAN
Sean did it
Sean finally did it
He barely slept at all, but then he did it
CHORUS
He did it
He fucking did it
It took about a month, but then he did it
150323
I am sooo chip faced
The bag of chips has a face
It’s a nacho cheese disgrace
The brain child of a nut case
Head is full of empty space
Easy target for your mace
An image you can’t erase
Worst thing in the human race
150320
That weed is high
Here’s the world’s largest weed
Sprouted up from a seed
It’s taller than a bus
Bigger than both of us
There it is in our yard
Tried to burn, only charred
Some poison we did spray
Still it stands here today
Then we both tried to dig
But the roots were too big
So we said, “Let it live
For the shade it will give.
It might be just a weed,
But it’s best of it’s breed.”
150318
Don’t be misled there’s always bed
I think I’ll just go back to bed
Wind blew the hat off of my head
My jeans don’t fit ’cause I’m too fat
My only friend’s a one-eyed cat
I found a bug in my sandwich
I drove my car into a ditch
I owe way more than I can pay
I got shit on by a blue jay
My job is slowly killing me
It sometimes hurts when I go pee
My doctor says I’ll soon be dead
I think I’ll just go back to bed
150316
Ya gotta love yourself
Put your hand
On your gland
Stretch it like a rubber band
When it’s out
Give a shout
Got to shake it all about
Now you’re done
With your fun
Put away that flaccid gun
150313
SQL can suck it!
Dead end, dead end, dead end, dead end
No matter how much time I spend
I just can’t find a way to mend
This broken web site for a friend
I think I’ve gone around the bend
Dead end, dead end, dead end, dead end
150311
What’s this wet stuff?
Drizzle isn’t really rain
Not enough to fill the drain
Sprinkling doesn’t really count
Comes in such a small amount
When it pours it’s way too much
Overflows the curb and such
Not a drought and not a flood
But sufficient to make mud
That’s the rain we really need
Just enough to grow a seed
150309
Is that a bug in her beak?
Saw a swan swimming south
With a moth in her mouth
Guess she likes eating bugs
Better than snails or slugs
150304
Let’s start walk out Wednesday
I so want to quit
I’m over this shit
So mad I could spit
But I will admit
I like where I sit
I guess I won’t quit
150227
I have been, and always shall be, your friend
The news today was quite a shock
For many years he was our friend
But death comes for all in the end
Live long and prosper Mr. Spock!
150225
I <3
All women need to know
Not all men are shallow
Green, hazel or blue eyes
We love you any size
We love you if you’re tall
We love you if you’re small
We love you if you’re brown
We love you when you frown
We love you when you grin
We love you if you’re thin
We love you if you’re fat
We love you, and that’s that
150223
LOL’d at Blackhawks
Tom and Lourdes came to visit
The good times were quite exquisite
We started with the butterflies
The Rib Line had beach balls and fries
We drove around to taste some wine
About that time, we felt real fine
Joe Daddy was in the Casa
We ate tortas like a boss-a
Then played Dixit and Zombie Dice
About that time, sleep sure was nice
Waffles made from cinnamon rolls
Accompanied by fruit in bowls
Sent T and L off on their way
We did all that in just one day!
