161230
I resolve to resist the Jizztrumpet
2016 could not be worse
Like shitty drinks you’re forced to nurse
To start this list of things not good
The loss of stars from our childhood
And Jizztrumpet the next four years?
He’ll harbor hate and foster fears
To me the thing that tops this list
Is Jean’s cancer her doctor missed
I say this with the utmost class
This year has sucked a fat dog’s ass!
161226
Sex is natural but so is death
Another star Death did abduct
2016 has fucking sucked
And now he got that dude from Wham!
But not Ridgeley – who’d give a damn?
George Michael’s gone, his fans are wrecks
No more “Faith” or “I Want Your Sex”
So rest in peace you sexy Greek
This year is done in one more week
161223
My Christmas Hanukkah Kwanzaa wish too
I have one wish this Festivus
For Jean to be as well as us
Maybe more well than Dave the drunk
His muddled head’s missing a chunk
And way better than fatso Fred
He’s one donut away from dead
And don’t forget ol’ smelly Sue
She stinks worse than a pile of poo
My wish for Jean this Festivus –
Better health than the rest of us!
161221
Night gathers and now my watch begins
Long winter time is here again
This one will stay till who knows when
Like Game of Thrones this one will last
Until at least four years have passed
161216
A real prequel
I can’t wait to see Rogue One!
Ready for some Star Wars fun
Keeping with the Christmas cheer
You will get no spoilers here!
161214
Spirits for the Xmas spirit
Drinking at the Christmas party
Diet cola and Bacardi
Ate a rib eye that was yummy
So much goodness in my tummy
Then came time to exchange presents
I gave dollars; they gave ten cents
Left the party as it ended
Kind of glad that I attended
161212
SPG <3 JMG
Wedded bliss goes past year seven
Every day still feels like heaven
He is funny; she is clever
Their love will endure forever
161209
X-mas will be blue this year
Why do I always cry?
Constant tear drops in my eye
I do fear lack of cheer
Will be commonplace this year
161207
Godwin can suck it!
Hitler and Trump – though years apart
Hitler and Trump – the same at heart
Hitler and Trump – pledged to make great
Hitler and Trump – hotheads first-rate
Hitler and Trump – both like to blame
Hitler and Trump – have hair that’s lame
Hitler and Trump – hatred and fear
Hitler and Trump – men of the year
161205
Christmastime in our bungalow
Bundled up like an Eskimo
Warming hands with some hot cocoa
Christmas songs on the radio
Jingle Bells in my falsetto
Kissing Jean under mistletoe
That is how every day should go
161202
Express lane – twelve ounces or less
Buying dog food at Costco
Suddenly I had to go
Every line was ten carts deep
‘Twas a sea of shopping sheep
Since the dog food was on sale
I decided not to bail
Stood in line behind a nun
Bladder full with number one
She asked me to hold her tote
As my teeth began to float
Nun was done; my turn to pay
Fighting back the urge to spray
Paid and flew to the bathroom
Dropped my pants; opened the flume
Yellow was all I could see
Wow, I really had to pee!
161130
In the prick of time
Had to rush Jean for a shot
Her white cells were not a lot
This is what you have to do
When you love your sugar pooh
161125
Maximize lights per square inch
To brighten up this shitty year
I hung the lights upon our tree
This early start on Christmas cheer
Helps change my mood from gloom to glee
161121
UCLA docs > Santa Maria docs
Jean’s arm pain needed an answer
Still her doctors missed her cancer
Their opinions suck we reckoned
So Jean went and got a second
Bruin doctor shared what he’s known
No to chemo; yes to hormone
Now we have a brand new mission
To get Jean into remission
161118
$c ain’t no education
I hate all Trojans, rich and tanned
But most of all, I hate their band
They play the only song they know
It’s so boring and fucking slow
They march like Nazis on parade
I wish their mothers had been spayed
When Bruins win and our team cheers
They’ll goosestep home with Trojan tears
161114
Rally Committee Wheeee!!!
Rallies, air horns, and card shows
Rally Comm has all of those
But they’re missing just one thing
That big bell we used to ring
Rose Bowl is the place to be
This week when we Beat $C!
161111
We have no hair please do not stare
Don’t be appalled
Our heads are bald
We shaved them tight
To fight our fight
161109
We will, but I don’t know how
As I watched last night, a feeling inside
Of eternal hope had suddenly died
I woke up this morn, like everyday
But not knowing how to make it okay
I write you this rhyme, while holding back tears
Determined to last through the next four years
161107
Almost over
Tomorrow, it will be done
Tomorrow, we’ll see who won
If she wins, she’ll be the first
If he wins, he’ll be the worst
161104
HRC is GR8!
It isn’t too late
To stop all the hate
And succumb to fate
She’s better than great!
161102
Preventing Trumpageddon
Though one week away
I’m voting today
I just got to say
The Jizztrumpet is a racist, sexist, misogynistic,
homophobic, xenophobic, islamaphobic, tiny fingered,
Cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon who wants
you to pay his taxes for him so he can build a
wall that Mexico will not pay for and gain
access to the nuclear codes while he’s
grabbing a pussy with one hand and jerking
off Putin with the other
To prevent doomsday
Please do not delay
Go vote the right way
161031
The first taste is free
From door to door all over town
It’s time for kids to shake us down
I shaved my head like Walter White
To give out crystal meth tonight
161028
It’s cold up there with no hair
I just cut off all my hair
I did this to show I care
Even though I now look mean
I’d do anything for Jean
161026
I do this when I break-in
In the morn, tummy’s achin’
Late to work, ’cause I’m flakin’
I don’t know what I’m makin’
But of course, it’s with bacon
I take one, now I’m takin’
So much nom that I’m shakin’
This is how to awaken!
161021
Save the day
Save the world
Jizztrumpet says she is nasty
His rude comments don’t get past me
Interrupting like a ding-dong
Always yelling that she’s “Wrong! Wrong!”
Sounding like a broken record
His whole campaign has been absurd
I hope women will remember
On the eighth day of November
161017
Keep sending good thoughts
Old doc’s treatment had been subpar
So I took Jean to the ER
New doc came in with an answer
Now we know it’s fucking cancer
Been in pain, and three months later
Clearly old doc was a traitor
Bad news isn’t ever easy
And I know that this sounds cheesy
Sweetie Pea is a big brawler
She will make the tumors smaller
Your support has been tremendous
Thanks for all the love you send us
161014
I read the news today – oh boy!
Good news
Woo hoos
I’m glad
Grave news
Boo hoos
I’m sad
Guilt news
Blown fuse
I’m mad
161012
Expand your terror!
There is a house upon the hill
The quickest glance can bring a chill
My friends and I answered a call
But that grim house betrayed us all
We searched the manse from room to room
Until we found unending doom
Try as I might, I cannot block
The horrors of the Widow’s Walk!
161007
The Ghastlytrump tinies
The work is done, the secret’s out
I’ll tell you what it’s all about
We all know Trump’s deplorable
But this book is adorable
The images and clever scripts
Predict a Trump apocalypse
Send them your cash or just donate
And love will triumph over hate
161005
Stop clowning around
Creepy forests outside of towns
Are stomping grounds for grotesque clowns
Feelings hidden by extreme paint
Pallid makeup will make kids faint
The balloons float to draw you near
Then they show up to instill fear
Scaring children and adults too
Coming soon to forests near you!
161003
Save the tatas!
October is all about boobies
To men, they’re as precious as rubies
In all the small towns and big cities
We have to take care of the titties
All hipsters and hippies and yuppies
Should protect these prized sweater puppies
From knockers and jugs to small bug bites
Make sure that you inspect your headlights
Awareness and funding’s the answer
To finding a cure for breast cancer
