Stick Person Poetry

220420

220420
I had a dream…

I’m in Kilkenny
Playing board games with my friends
The dream has come true

By the time we got to Woodstock
I just had to make a wee
And everywhere was a tree
For my urination
And then I saw the Brownie Bear
Squatting next to three small guys
Turning laughter into cries
By his defecation
We were busted, we were scolded
So we had to beg for our pardon
And we’re not allowed to go
Back to the garden

220415

220415
The death of Brian

There once was a fella named Brian
Nailed next to a fella who’s dyin’
The young fella said
Though he’d soon be dead
If you don’t see bright you’re not tryin’

220413

220413
Tsunami of sadness

His jokes always killed
Tragedy was comedy
Rest In Peace Gilbert

220411

220411
Drop it like it’s hot

I did a thing I didn’t like
I dropped my phone when on a hike
I cursed myself, I made a scene
At least I did not crack the screen
Instead I broke the LCD
It’s fixable for a large fee
While I stand here, egg on my face
I need to get myself a case

220408

220408
Hangry hangry hippo

When does hunger turn to anger?
I want pizza or a banger
As I rifle through the freezer
Hangry visits this old geezer
I could eat sweet baby Jesus
So I stuff my mouth with cheeses
They were moldy and not yummy
But at least they’re in my tummy

220406

220406
Time capsule thoughts

If you can read this, in 100 years
Of course I felt pain and spilled many tears
But I also loved, I laughed and I played
I’ll never forget the life that I made
In 100 years, I hope that you’ll be
Surrounded by friends and happy like me

220404

220404
Kingpin of Kilkenny

I like to sit around and roll
So I decide, I’m gonna bowl
I see the pins and throw the ball
I aim it straight to hit them all
The ball goes left, I hit but one
I roll again, that ball hits none
It’s been a while and that’s a fact
But honestly, I feel attacked
I hit just five in the next frame
Frames three through nine were much the same
I then decide I need to change
The balls I rolled, they all felt strange
They hurt my fingers quite a bit
I need a ball with holes that fit
I start to search the bowling hall
To find my Cinderella ball
There’s one behind a rubbish pile
My fingers fit, I start to smile
I slide it down the well-oiled lane
The red-necked pins explode with pain
Now that’s the bowling that I like
It took ten frames to bowl a strike
And now I get to throw twice more
Another strike! I start to roar!
Just like a bowler in their prime
I get a third, it’s turkey time!
So if you’re feeling in the pits
Just find yourself a hole that fits

220401

220401
Stand up and be counted

This weekend I fill out the census
I make sure that I’m conscientious
I count every cat
Dog, spider and rat
In order to reach a consensus

220330

220330
Always on – never off

No rest for the wicked
That’s true for this dickhead
Since I am my own boss
I do not gather moss
While some have night-time fun
My work is never done

220328

220328
Violence is never the answer

I do feel bad for Jada’s hair
But she’s a multi-millionaire
She got compared to GI Jane
A fighter who could withstand pain
That Will Smith slap was just not right
He brought a gun to a word fight
I hope that when we disagree
That you won’t throw a punch at me

220325

220325
West Side Limerick

There once was a Jet known as Tony
Who kept gangster Riff as a crony
He then took a twirl
With a PR girl
But did not end in matrimony

220323

220323
I feel fine

Late to the party
Two years after it began
I blame Paddy’s Day

220321

220321
Time of month

If Tom’s in town, don’t be a fool
Or else you’ll get a bloody tool
‘Cause every month ol’ Tom calls in
Reminding us of Eve’s first sin
Give her a kiss, massage or hug
Take out the trash, vacuum the rug
Buy comfort food when Tom’s in town
And you’ll turn that frown upside-down

220318

220318
Four-way hentai

There was a kaiju from Manila
Who thought his sex life too vanilla
He paid the madame
For wham-bang-and-bam
With Mothra, Rodan and Godzilla

220316

220316
Kiss me I’m a yank

Kiss me I’m Irish, that’s what I would say
Back when I was in the US of A
Now I’m in Ireland, and lassies don’t care
I say I’m Irish, and they blankly stare
Kiss me I’m yankee, that just doesn’t work
I won’t get a kiss, I’ll feel like a jerk
I put on my green, I hope and I pray
That I’ll get a kiss on St. Patrick’s Day

220314

220314
32 shades of green

Kilkenny’s green, and so’s Kildare
Roscommon, Galway, Laois and Clare
Limerick’s as green as Irish stew
They’re green in Tipperary too
It’s green in Carlow and Westmeath
In Wicklow, Offaly and Meath
They’re green in Cork and Dublin town
But not up north in County Down
The west is green, and so’s the south
The east is green way up to Louth
Fermanagh is a green-free zone
As well as Armagh and Tyrone
There’s none more green than Kerry fair
But not so in the Derry air
In Antrim, giants walk the sea
While Leitrim’s as green as can be
Six Ulster counties are not green
Why was the UK so damn mean?
It’s weird that Cavan, Monaghan
And Donegal weren’t in their plan
The Fords of Water, Wex and Long
Still think the British got it wrong
The greens of Sligo and Mayo
Want Brits to give back what they owe
Until six counties change their hue
It won’t be green in 32

220311

220311
Fill ‘er up fantasies

A greedy and vile petrol station
Would gouge due to war and inflation
The owner was caught
While sailing his yacht
The swift punishment was castration

220309

220309
What I think of Linc

I used to think that Linc was cool
The kind of cat that I adore
But now he covers me in drool
And knocks my LEGO on the floor

220307

220307
It ain’t easy being green

They raised the price to light a light
And that increase was total shite
This tax came in because the greens
Said we should not use some machines
But their machines are fairly dear
And you can hardly get them here
To make things worse, inflation hit
And we still knew their plan was shit
They’re giving us 200 quid
So we’ll forget just what they did
I’ll take that dough and make a bet
That Irish voters won’t forget

220304

220304
Chilly Willie’s willy

There once was a skier named Willie
Who never was warm, but was chilly
The story was told
He always was cold
And ended up with shrinking willy

220302

220302
Long days and pleasant nights

It happens every year
True Irish far and near
Will see the sun and cheer
The grand auld stretch is here!

220228

220228
It could happen

Most folks said
Old man Fred
Was found dead
In his bed

No tears shed
For old Fred
Some folks said
Dead from head

220225

220225
Loathsome lunatic from Leningrad

The thing I hate most about Putin
He went into Ukraine a-shootin’
I’m gonna be blunt
The fucker’s a cunt
He struts around all highfalutin

220223

220223
Game on!

We’re playing games! We’re face-to-face!
Some games are slow – some are a race
I like to play and have some fun
And make new friends when all is done
And at game end, if I have lost
I do not pout, I don’t get cross
I do not care if I don’t win
I only care to play again!