150918

150918
HB + SP

Went down under to get some ink
I found a place that didn’t stink
There was some pain, but I pushed through
To get a stick person tattoo

150914

150914
I have a pain down under

14 hours on a plane
In my ass there is a pain
All that sitting on my bum
Butt cheeks feel insanely numb

150529

150529
CA is to the left of TX

Too much rain in the Midwest
Poor Texans can get no rest
California has no rain
This long drought is such a pain
If that rain could come out west
We would all be far less stressed
Scientists could find a way
Texans want to kneel and pray
They could pray with all their might
But they’re too far to the right

140627

140627
I have a dumb green thumb

Last night we planted some trees
A new place for birds and bees
To make a home or sight see
Tonight we planted again
Because our dogs are a pain
They had uprooted a tree
Tomorrow we’ll run away
While the dogs will have to stay
And plot their next digging spree

140325

140325
Black holes CNN?!?

My brain cannot contain
This unending refrain
About the missing plane
The media campaign
Is borderline profane
I want to have free rein
To administer pain
To the anchors most vain
Hitched to this gravy train
And those who are inane
Who have something to gain
From info they obtain
It’s downright inhumane
That they try to maintain
And keep open the vein
For those feeling the pain
While their hope starts to wane
It’s making me insane

1001

1001
Your Uncle Sam is who I am

Do you like the man so tan?
I don’t like him Uncle Sam
I don’t like his stupid hair
He just doesn’t seem to care
I don’t like him in the house
Anybody but that louse
He’s dumb like a bag of rocks
He’s the color of a fox
His beliefs are so bizarre
He’s GOP like Babar
He helped shut down Ol’ D.C.
Then danced and shouted “whoopee!”
His tactics are so insane
He’s causing us so much pain
His bite is worse than his bark
Meaner than a great white shark
Why’d he have to crow and gloat?
I hope he gets a sore throat
He thinks this is the best way
He’ll see on election day
How he hates Obamacare
I don’t like him anywhere
I don’t like the man so tan
I don’t like him Uncle Sam

0920

0920
As long as you wanted black

Today I bought the new iPhone
But I am not an Apple drone
Using my old phone made me moan
Caused more pain than a kidney stone
Into a trash can it was thrown
I had to get a payday loan
So I could buy my very own
‘Cause I’m broke and my credit blown
These are not things I would condone
But I live in the Danger Zone

0901

0901
The agony of…

Defeat
By Edgar Guest

No one is beat till he quits,
No one is through till he stops,
No matter how hard Failure hits,
No matter how often he drops,
A fellow’s not down till he lies
In the dust and refuses to rise.

Fate can slam him and bang him around,
And batter his frame till he’s sore,
But she never can say that he’s downed
While he bobs up serenely for more.
A fellow’s not dead till he dies.

0801

0801
James, we were always friends

It’s seven years ago today
My younger brother passed away
James was handsome, funny, and gay
He liked guys, he was born that way
He wasn’t flaming or cliché
But if he was, that’s still okay
Charming was in his DNA
And so witty, his jokes would slay
Often in pain, he would allay
It with a movie or a play
Or hosting friends with a soirée
But James is gone, and here I stay
While sipping on a chardonnay
I think about him everyday

0730

0730
And not just $2

I want to win at Powerball
I really want to win it all
I want to get a big fat check
‘Cause work is a pain in the neck

0716

0716
Yes pain no gain

What is going on with my back?
Did somebody give it a whack?
I can’t even fart without pain
If this keeps up, I’ll go insane

0401

0401
Let’s go Fightin’ Popes!

In the Spring a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of baseball
In the Spring we disregard the painful losses of fall
In the Spring we draft our favorites and hope they prevail
In the Spring those who ignore injuries are doomed to fail

0208

0208
Rain is for suckers

I detest the rain
Driving’s such a pain
If it rained at night
That would be alright

0120

0120
Noah blew it!

The Unicorn
By Shel Silverstein

A long time ago, when the earth was green
And there was more kinds of animals than you’ve ever seen,
And they run around free while the world was bein’ born,
And the lovliest of all was the Unicorn.
There was green alligators and long-neck geese.
There was humpy bumpy camels and chimpanzees.
There was catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you’re born
The lovliest of all was the Unicorn.
But the Lord seen some sinnin’, and it caused him pain.
He says, “Stand back, I’m gonna make it rain.”
He says, “Hey Brother Noah, I’ll tell ya whatcha do.
Go and build me a floatin’ zoo.
And you take two alligators and a couple of geese,
Two humpy bumpy camels and two chimpanzees.
Take two catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you’re born
Noah, don’t you forget my Unicorn.”
Now Noah was there, he answered the callin’
And he finished up the ark just as the rain was fallin’. He marched in the animals two by two,
And he called out as they went through,
“Hey Lord, I got your two alligators adn your couple of geese,
Your humpy bumpy camels and your chimpanzees.
Got your catsandratsandelephants — but Lord, I’m so forlorn
‘Cause I just don’t see no Unicorn.”
Ol’ Noah looked out through the drivin’ rain
But the Unicorns were hidin’, playin’ silly games.
They were kickin’ and splashin’ in the misty morn,
Oh them silly Unicorn.
The the goat started goatin’, and the snake started snakin’,
The elephant started elephantin’, and the boat started shaking’.
The mouse started squeakin’, and the lion started roarin’,
And everyone’s abourd but the Unicorn.
I mean the green alligators and the long-neck geese,
The humpy bumpy camels and the chimpanzees.
Noah cried, “Close the door ’cause the rain is pourin’–
And we just can’t wait for them Unicorn.”
Then the ark started movin’, and it drifted with the tide,
And the Unicorns looked up from the rock and cried.
And the water come up and sort of floated them away–
That’s why you’ve never seen a Unicorn to this day.
You’ll see a lot of alligators and a whole mess of geese.
You’ll see humpy bumpy camels and lots of chimpanzees.
You’ll see catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you’re born
You’re never gonna see no Unicorn

0106

0106
There are strange things done in the midnight sun.

The Cremation of Sam McGee
By Robert W. Service

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South to roam ’round the Pole, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he’d often say in his homely way that “he’d sooner live in hell.”

On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! through the parka’s fold it stabbed like a driven nail.
If our eyes we’d close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn’t see;
It wasn’t much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.

And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,
And the dogs were fed, and the stars o’erhead were dancing heel and toe,
He turned to me, and “Cap,” says he, “I’ll cash in this trip, I guess;
And if I do, I’m asking that you won’t refuse my last request.”

Well, he seemed so low that I couldn’t say no; then he says with a sort of moan:
“It’s the cursèd cold, and it’s got right hold till I’m chilled clean through to the bone.
Yet ’tain’t being dead—it’s my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;
So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you’ll cremate my last remains.”

A pal’s last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;
And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.

There wasn’t a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn’t get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: “You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it’s up to you to cremate those last remains.”

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,
Howled out their woes to the homeless snows— O God! how I loathed the thing.

And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;
The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I’d often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.

Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the “Alice May.”
And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;
Then “Here,” said I, with a sudden cry, “is my cre-ma-tor-eum.”

Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;
Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;
The flames just soared, and the furnace roared—such a blaze you seldom see;
And I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.

Then I made a hike, for I didn’t like to hear him sizzle so;
And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don’t know why;
And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.

I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: “I’ll just take a peep inside.
I guess he’s cooked, and it’s time I looked”; … then the door I opened wide.

And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: “Please close that door.
It’s fine in here, but I greatly fear you’ll let in the cold and storm—
Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it’s the first time I’ve been warm.”

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

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