1023

1023
Stay classy Ben & Jerry

My ice cream belt gets one more notch
Ron Burgundy’s Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch
This ice cream has butterscotch swirls
And it’s enjoyed by boys and girls
If you’re like Ron from the tele
Eat it down into your belly
Two thumbs up from Brian and Champ
To quote Brick Tamland, “I love lamp”

1022

1022
Happy wombat day!

You would never think a wombat
Would be locked in cosmic combat
Way up high in a space station
Shooting with his Ultra Ray Gun
Asteroids that were on a course
To smash his ship without remorse
You would never ever think that
Would have happened to a wombat

1021

1021
Yo! That ain’t no crap!

Las Vegas is a paradise
For those who want to win a buck
At craps you roll a pair of dice
And hope the shooter doesn’t suck

1020

1020
Favorite ride at Dismal-land

The Haunted Palace
By Edgar Allan Poe

In the greenest of our valleys
By good angels tenanted,
Once a fair and stately palace—
Radiant palace—reared its head.
In the monarch Thought’s dominion,
It stood there!
Never seraph spread a pinion
Over fabric half so fair!

Banners yellow, glorious, golden,
On its roof did float and flow
(This—all this—was in the olden
Time long ago)
And every gentle air that dallied,
In that sweet day,
Along the ramparts plumed and pallid,
A wingèd odor went away.

Wanderers in that happy valley,
Through two luminous windows, saw
Spirits moving musically
To a lute’s well-tunèd law,
Round about a throne where, sitting,
Porphyrogene!
In state his glory well befitting,
The ruler of the realm was seen.

And all with pearl and ruby glowing
Was the fair palace door,
Through which came flowing, flowing, flowing
And sparkling evermore,
A troop of Echoes, whose sweet duty
Was but to sing,
In voices of surpassing beauty,
The wit and wisdom of their king.

But evil things, in robes of sorrow,
Assailed the monarch’s high estate;
(Ah, let us mourn!—for never morrow
Shall dawn upon him, desolate!)
And round about his home the glory
That blushed and bloomed
Is but a dim-remembered story
Of the old time entombed.

And travellers, now, within that valley,
Through the red-litten windows see
Vast forms that move fantastically
To a discordant melody;
While, like a ghastly rapid river,
Through the pale door
A hideous throng rush out forever,
And laugh—but smile no more.

1019

1019
Hidden haiku

Cat waiting to pounce
Hiding beneath the sage bush
Birds don’t have a chance

1018

1018
Help save the tatas

The color of the month is pink
It’s supposed to help boobs I think
If there’s one thing that I should do
It’s help save a tata or two

1017

1017
I’m so vain

White whisker removed from my beard
It was not plucked, instead I sheared
It looks and feels a little weird
But there’s no reason to be skeered
It’s not as bad as I once feared
Onto my face some dye was smeared
That which was gray has disappeared
And so I danced around and cheered

1016

1016
Double stuff your 8-ball

This is something few predicted
Lab rats are way more addicted
To Oreos than crack cocaine
According to the rodent’s brain
Though offered drugs they weren’t coerced
They eat the creamy center first
This just proves that sugar and fat
Are the real drugs – imagine that!

1015

1015
Stop this tea-bagging nonsense!

I hope there’s some dealing
To raise the debt ceiling
If they don’t get it done
The terrorists have won

1014

1014
This is not a jest

That tightness in your chest?
A cardiac arrest!
If you are feeling stressed
You need to take a rest
Life’s not a constant test
Just do your very best
Live life to the fullest
Make that your daily quest

1013

1013
Poor Poe

Annabel Lee
By Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea,
But we loved with a love that was more than love—
I and my Annabel Lee—
With a love that the wingèd seraphs of Heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,
Went envying her and me—
Yes!—that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we—
Of many far wiser than we—
And neither the angels in Heaven above
Nor the demons down under the sea
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride,
In her sepulchre there by the sea—
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

1012

1012
D is for diabetes

Cookies and milk are sweet to eat
For a quick snack, they can’t be beat
Oreos and chocolate chips
Stick to your fingers and your hips

1011

1011
Coming out still matters

To my friends that are not out
You don’t have to scream or shout
But you can if you want to
You should do what’s best for you
Just know that you have a friend
Who will fight until the end
If you are not cis like me
Today is your destiny

1010

1010
Here’s to another 47!

Happy birthday to my brother Tom
We have the same dad and the same mom
For 11 months, he’s the oldest
That’s why for me, September’s the best
I’m a 9/9 and he’s a 10/10
That means he’s older than me again
We’re Irish Twins thanks to dad and mom
Happy birthday to my brother Tom

1009

1009
Same thing every night

You’ve been fed
Stupid head
Go to bed
Or you’re dead!

1008

1008
You never know what you’re gonna get

Though he exercised and ate Wheaties
Tom Hanks has Type 2 Diabetes
Why he got it needs further study
But sugar ain’t his Bosom Buddy

1007

1007
Jean does good

Along the center divider
Of the street, there was a turtle
Dozens of cars seemed to hurtle
Past the little red-eared slider
Jean stopped to rescue the reptile
He thought he was getting away
He couldn’t have run far that day
Each inch seemed to him like a mile
By himself, he was a loaner
Trying to leave his friends behind
His hopes of escaping declined
When Jean brought him to his owner

1006

1006
Tintinnabulation bitches!

The Bells
By Edgar Allan Poe

I

Hear the sledges with the bells-
Silver bells!
What a world of merriment their melody foretells!
How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,
In the icy air of night!
While the stars that oversprinkle
All the heavens, seem to twinkle
With a crystalline delight;
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the tintinnabulation that so musically wells
From the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells-
From the jingling and the tinkling of the bells.

II

Hear the mellow wedding bells,
Golden bells!
What a world of happiness their harmony foretells!
Through the balmy air of night
How they ring out their delight!
From the molten-golden notes,
And an in tune,
What a liquid ditty floats
To the turtle-dove that listens, while she gloats
On the moon!
Oh, from out the sounding cells,
What a gush of euphony voluminously wells!
How it swells!
How it dwells
On the Future! how it tells
Of the rapture that impels
To the swinging and the ringing
Of the bells, bells, bells,
Of the bells, bells, bells,bells,
Bells, bells, bells-
To the rhyming and the chiming of the bells!

III

Hear the loud alarum bells-
Brazen bells!
What a tale of terror, now, their turbulency tells!
In the startled ear of night
How they scream out their affright!
Too much horrified to speak,
They can only shriek, shriek,
Out of tune,
In a clamorous appealing to the mercy of the fire,
In a mad expostulation with the deaf and frantic fire,
Leaping higher, higher, higher,
With a desperate desire,
And a resolute endeavor,
Now- now to sit or never,
By the side of the pale-faced moon.
Oh, the bells, bells, bells!
What a tale their terror tells
Of Despair!
How they clang, and clash, and roar!
What a horror they outpour
On the bosom of the palpitating air!
Yet the ear it fully knows,
By the twanging,
And the clanging,
How the danger ebbs and flows:
Yet the ear distinctly tells,
In the jangling,
And the wrangling,
How the danger sinks and swells,
By the sinking or the swelling in the anger of the bells-
Of the bells-
Of the bells, bells, bells,bells,
Bells, bells, bells-
In the clamor and the clangor of the bells!

IV

Hear the tolling of the bells-
Iron Bells!
What a world of solemn thought their monody compels!
In the silence of the night,
How we shiver with affright
At the melancholy menace of their tone!
For every sound that floats
From the rust within their throats
Is a groan.
And the people- ah, the people-
They that dwell up in the steeple,
All Alone
And who, tolling, tolling, tolling,
In that muffled monotone,
Feel a glory in so rolling
On the human heart a stone-
They are neither man nor woman-
They are neither brute nor human-
They are Ghouls:
And their king it is who tolls;
And he rolls, rolls, rolls,
Rolls
A paean from the bells!
And his merry bosom swells
With the paean of the bells!
And he dances, and he yells;
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the paean of the bells-
Of the bells:
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the throbbing of the bells-
Of the bells, bells, bells-
To the sobbing of the bells;
Keeping time, time, time,
As he knells, knells, knells,
In a happy Runic rhyme,
To the rolling of the bells-
Of the bells, bells, bells:
To the tolling of the bells,
Of the bells, bells, bells, bells-
Bells, bells, bells-
To the moaning and the groaning of the bells.

1005

1005
By his grotesque appendage

I dreamed of Cthulhu last night
The nightmare caused me such a fright
While sailing on the clear blue sea
His tentacles reached out to me
Caught between terror and panic
His pulpy head was gigantic
Part dragon and part crustacean
I cowered with trepidation
The horror would not go away
He ensnared me to my dismay
He dragged me screaming for a mile
Back to his Cyclopean isle
I struggled ‘gainst his slimy hands
And dwelled not on his ghastly plans
Doomed by this unholy kraken
I hoped I would soon awaken
Remarkably a new day dawned
My eyes opened and then I yawned
It’s over now, I’ll be all right
I dreamed of Cthulhu last night

1004

1004
Harvest haiku

Leaves are turning brown
And here on the Central Coast
Grapes are getting crushed

1003

1003
I need a Bloody Mary

Today I met a fairy
Playful but kind of wary
She wasn’t very hairy
But smelled like Boysenberry
Clothes crimson like a cherry
Wings delicate and airy
But strong enough to carry
A sprite so very merry
Attractive and not scary
Like Tinkerbell from Barrie
I hope someday she’ll marry
And live up in an aerie

1002

1002
He was a two bagger

There once was a man from Washington
Who never voted to get things done
His skin was so tan
Out of a spray can
He was an orange son of a gun

1001

1001
Your Uncle Sam is who I am

Do you like the man so tan?
I don’t like him Uncle Sam
I don’t like his stupid hair
He just doesn’t seem to care
I don’t like him in the house
Anybody but that louse
He’s dumb like a bag of rocks
He’s the color of a fox
His beliefs are so bizarre
He’s GOP like Babar
He helped shut down Ol’ D.C.
Then danced and shouted “whoopee!”
His tactics are so insane
He’s causing us so much pain
His bite is worse than his bark
Meaner than a great white shark
Why’d he have to crow and gloat?
I hope he gets a sore throat
He thinks this is the best way
He’ll see on election day
How he hates Obamacare
I don’t like him anywhere
I don’t like the man so tan
I don’t like him Uncle Sam

0930

0930
DC = Drown Congress

We’re headed for a government shutdown
We need a solution quick and profound
Something to clean up the filth of Georgetown
We should let all the politicians drown

0929

0929
AKA the Fall

The Autumn
By Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Go, sit upon the lofty hill,
And turn your eyes around,
Where waving woods and waters wild
Do hymn an autumn sound.
The summer sun is faint on them —
The summer flowers depart —
Sit still — as all transform’d to stone,
Except your musing heart.

How there you sat in summer-time,
May yet be in your mind;
And how you heard the green woods sing
Beneath the freshening wind.
Though the same wind now blows around,
You would its blast recall;
For every breath that stirs the trees,
Doth cause a leaf to fall.

Oh! like that wind, is all the mirth
That flesh and dust impart:
We cannot bear its visitings,
When change is on the heart.
Gay words and jests may make us smile,
When Sorrow is asleep;
But other things must make us smile,
When Sorrow bids us weep!

The dearest hands that clasp our hands, —
Their presence may be o’er;
The dearest voice that meets our ear,
That tone may come no more!
Youth fades; and then, the joys of youth,
Which once refresh’d our mind,
Shall come — as, on those sighing woods,
The chilling autumn wind.

Hear not the wind — view not the woods;
Look out o’er vale and hill-
In spring, the sky encircled them —
The sky is round them still.
Come autumn’s scathe — come winter’s cold —
Come change — and human fate!
Whatever prospect Heaven doth bound,
Can ne’er be desolate.

0928

0928
More money to buy more junk

Today we had a yard sale
But we didn’t sell our yard
We sold our junk without fail
What’s leftover will be charred

0927

0927
Carbs really are bad

The head of pasta maker Barilla
Has a case of verbal diarrhea
No matter how much the right will insist
The “classic family” does not exist
I don’t hate them because they’re anti-gay
But I rarely eat bad carbs anyway

0926

0926
Pope is a dope

Pope Francis said in a promo
That he was not anti-homo
Then he excommunicated
A pro-gay priest who had stated
Women should be ordained as well
The Vatican can go to hell

0925

0925
High wind haiku

Watch the palm trees sway
Hot or cold, doesn’t matter
The wind is constant

0924

0924
Do they serve anything else?

There once was a man from Miami
Who frantically cleaned with a chamois
When he was quite spent
To Denny’s he went
And ordered Moons Over My Hammy

0923

0923
Being green costs a lot of green

Tesla was once known for a coil
Now it’s a car that needs no oil
I saw one in Los Alamos
For that town, it was grandiose
No place for an electric car
Owned by an aging movie star
Getting drunk in a wine-fueled haze
Kind of like that movie Sideways
Is the car about being green
Or do you get it to be seen?
Electric cars are close at hand
But this one is a hundred grand!

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