220502
A trip to Mahon Falls
I traveled on a magic road
To see the falls that freely flowed
Partaking in the vivid views
Considering which path to choose
I could go back the normal way
But I could do that any day
I feel I’ve hit the motherload
So I’ll stay on this magic road
220425
They’ll drool on you
My two nuts just hang around
One is black, and one is brown
Most days they’re in lazy mode
When excited, they’ll explode
My two nuts just love the craic
One is brown, and one is black
They don’t care who strokes their bum
They will stay but like to come
My two nuts have so much hair
And they leave it everywhere
If you wear a sexy dress
They will make an awful mess
My two nuts are pretty swell
Though sometimes they really smell
I will scrub them clean and neat
Till they’re good enough to eat
My two nuts are quite a pair
Pleasing babes with savoir-faire
In their hostile habitat
One’s a dog, and one’s a cat
220418
Not welcome in Woodstock
By the time we got to Woodstock
I just had to make a wee
And everywhere was a tree
For my urination
And then I saw the Brownie Bear
Squatting next to three small guys
Turning laughter into cries
By his defecation
We were busted, we were scolded
So we had to beg for our pardon
And we’re not allowed to go
Back to the garden
220411
Drop it like it’s hot
I did a thing I didn’t like
I dropped my phone when on a hike
I cursed myself, I made a scene
At least I did not crack the screen
Instead I broke the LCD
It’s fixable for a large fee
While I stand here, egg on my face
I need to get myself a case
220408
Hangry hangry hippo
When does hunger turn to anger?
I want pizza or a banger
As I rifle through the freezer
Hangry visits this old geezer
I could eat sweet baby Jesus
So I stuff my mouth with cheeses
They were moldy and not yummy
But at least they’re in my tummy
220406
Time capsule thoughts
If you can read this, in 100 years
Of course I felt pain and spilled many tears
But I also loved, I laughed and I played
I’ll never forget the life that I made
In 100 years, I hope that you’ll be
Surrounded by friends and happy like me
220404
Kingpin of Kilkenny
I like to sit around and roll
So I decide, I’m gonna bowl
I see the pins and throw the ball
I aim it straight to hit them all
The ball goes left, I hit but one
I roll again, that ball hits none
It’s been a while and that’s a fact
But honestly, I feel attacked
I hit just five in the next frame
Frames three through nine were much the same
I then decide I need to change
The balls I rolled, they all felt strange
They hurt my fingers quite a bit
I need a ball with holes that fit
I start to search the bowling hall
To find my Cinderella ball
There’s one behind a rubbish pile
My fingers fit, I start to smile
I slide it down the well-oiled lane
The red-necked pins explode with pain
Now that’s the bowling that I like
It took ten frames to bowl a strike
And now I get to throw twice more
Another strike! I start to roar!
Just like a bowler in their prime
I get a third, it’s turkey time!
So if you’re feeling in the pits
Just find yourself a hole that fits
220330
Always on – never off
No rest for the wicked
That’s true for this dickhead
Since I am my own boss
I do not gather moss
While some have night-time fun
My work is never done
220328
Violence is never the answer
I do feel bad for Jada’s hair
But she’s a multi-millionaire
She got compared to GI Jane
A fighter who could withstand pain
That Will Smith slap was just not right
He brought a gun to a word fight
I hope that when we disagree
That you won’t throw a punch at me
220321
Time of month
If Tom’s in town, don’t be a fool
Or else you’ll get a bloody tool
‘Cause every month ol’ Tom calls in
Reminding us of Eve’s first sin
Give her a kiss, massage or hug
Take out the trash, vacuum the rug
Buy comfort food when Tom’s in town
And you’ll turn that frown upside-down
220316
Kiss me I’m a yank
Kiss me I’m Irish, that’s what I would say
Back when I was in the US of A
Now I’m in Ireland, and lassies don’t care
I say I’m Irish, and they blankly stare
Kiss me I’m yankee, that just doesn’t work
I won’t get a kiss, I’ll feel like a jerk
I put on my green, I hope and I pray
That I’ll get a kiss on St. Patrick’s Day
220314
32 shades of green
Kilkenny’s green, and so’s Kildare
Roscommon, Galway, Laois and Clare
Limerick’s as green as Irish stew
They’re green in Tipperary too
It’s green in Carlow and Westmeath
In Wicklow, Offaly and Meath
They’re green in Cork and Dublin town
But not up north in County Down
The west is green, and so’s the south
The east is green way up to Louth
Fermanagh is a green-free zone
As well as Armagh and Tyrone
There’s none more green than Kerry fair
But not so in the Derry air
In Antrim, giants walk the sea
While Leitrim’s as green as can be
Six Ulster counties are not green
Why was the UK so damn mean?
It’s weird that Cavan, Monaghan
And Donegal weren’t in their plan
The Fords of Water, Wex and Long
Still think the British got it wrong
The greens of Sligo and Mayo
Want Brits to give back what they owe
Until six counties change their hue
It won’t be green in 32
220309
What I think of Linc
I used to think that Linc was cool
The kind of cat that I adore
But now he covers me in drool
And knocks my LEGO on the floor
220307
It ain’t easy being green
They raised the price to light a light
And that increase was total shite
This tax came in because the greens
Said we should not use some machines
But their machines are fairly dear
And you can hardly get them here
To make things worse, inflation hit
And we still knew their plan was shit
They’re giving us 200 quid
So we’ll forget just what they did
I’ll take that dough and make a bet
That Irish voters won’t forget
220302
Long days and pleasant nights
It happens every year
True Irish far and near
Will see the sun and cheer
The grand auld stretch is here!
220228
It could happen
Most folks said
Old man Fred
Was found dead
In his bed
No tears shed
For old Fred
Some folks said
Dead from head
220225
Loathsome lunatic from Leningrad
The thing I hate most about Putin
He went into Ukraine a-shootin’
I’m gonna be blunt
The fucker’s a cunt
He struts around all highfalutin
220223
Game on!
We’re playing games! We’re face-to-face!
Some games are slow – some are a race
I like to play and have some fun
And make new friends when all is done
And at game end, if I have lost
I do not pout, I don’t get cross
I do not care if I don’t win
I only care to play again!
220221
So much in common
He likes to talk
She likes to walk
He likes to dine
She likes red wine
He likes TV
She likes the sea
He likes to screw
She likes it too
220216
The three amigos!
Little kitty on my chest
Big dog laying on the floor
All of us must need some rest
Three old men begin to snore
220209
Hang the TP
It’s time to change the toilet roll
And time to take a little poll
So, do you hang it from the front?
Or do you hang it like a cunt?
220207
I get weird
I know the Irish think I’m strange
But there’s no way I’m gonna change
I’m weird as fuck all night and day
And weird as fuck is how I’ll stay
220131
Meatless Mondays
I love cheese pasta made with pesto
It has no meat but still’s the best-o
I love it when it’s paired with vino
It has no meat but still is keen-o
220128
Goodbye Silver Brick Road
I’m a little bit fuzzy
Got thick fur outside
When there’s a full moon
I must secretly hide
I don’t have much worry – bud
Since I’ve been bit
I pee like a dog now
And sniff their shit
I used to wear silver, ha
But now it brings woe
And it’s weird when the sun sets
That my nails start to grow
This curse is too much
‘Cause now I need flea shampoo
If I bite your leg, I’ll give it to you
And you can turn at the full moon
And run with the packs
You might get quite furry, and
Like Scooby snacks
Werewolves are maligned
Werewolves are maligned
They are put down by words
But they keep on howling
While their tails are curled
220126
Don’t peek, but this peak piques my interest
To me the numbers still seem bleak
But it looks like we’re past the peak
I still will mask and wash my hands
But now I’ll go to see live bands
220124
Hit it Max
That Garsa Fwip
Sharp as a whip
She used to strip
When it was hip
You best not flip
Or lose your grip
‘Cause in a blip
She’ll make you trip
With just one quip
You’ll be a drip
So bite your lip
‘Cause you got zip
220121
K-I-S-S-I-G-88
Boba Fett and Fennec Shand
Riding on a bantha’s back
Chasing Niktos on the sand
End them with a swift attack
Fennec Shand and Boba Fett
Piloting a Firespray
Settling another debt
Hunting Pykes – this is the way
220119
Full moon fever
Full moon way up high
Full moon lights the sky
Full moon bright as day
Full moon guide the way
220117
N stands for knowledgeable
I once was told to go to hell
But I could not drive there
I have a license now – that’s swell
Still I’m going nowhere
I should be good and happy that
I cannot get to hell
If they don’t have my dog and cat
It’s probably just as well
220114
Happy birthday Brownie!
A dog was born ten years ago
His fur is brown, like cookie dough
He isn’t bright, a little dense
His head is stupidly immense
He’d sell his soul to get a treat
But most of all that dog is sweet
I’ll sing him this, but he won’t care
Oh happy birthday Brownie Bear!
