200710
Got milk?
There once was a duellist named Burr, sir
A Hamilton insult disperser
But Burr was just mad
That Hamilton lad
Had got Reynolds’ kitty to purr, sir
200708
200708
Brownie Bear at my side
It’s always nice, it’s always nice
To have Brownie Bear at my side
It’s always nice, it’s always nice
To have Brownie Bear at my side
Look back on the Christmas lights (which Linc broke)
The tears that I cried
It’s always nice, it’s always nice
To have Brownie Bear at my side
Oh! This is the doggie that Jean and I chose
Oh! This little doggie has such a cute nose
Oh! He runs at full speed along the chain fence
Oh! Brownie’s motherfucking head is immense
Oh! When out on a walk – don’t care where he goes
Oh! His head is so big, I think it still grows
Oh! The rest of the doggies don’t wear their leads
He runs through weeds, eating the seeds
That’s what Brownie Bear needs
It’s always nice, it’s always nice
Afterwards he takes a quick doze
It’s always nice, it’s always nice
When it’s time for dinner he knows
He wants a nice treat
He wants his rawhide
Still, it’s always nice, it’s always nice
To have Brownie Bear at my side
200706
200706
Mind if I sing while you kill?
The tunnel’s dark, I cannot see
“What’s happening in front of me?!?”
The fighter groans, and then he grunts
“I’m gonna kill you feckin’ cunts!”
The rogue attempts a sneak attack
I hear a thud and then a thwack
The sorceress shoots scorching rays
But up ahead it’s still a haze
The cleric does not comfort me
For all I hear is, “Blessed be!!!”
And then at last the fight is done
My contribution? Just this one
200703
200703
Yankee Doodle Dickhead
He’s a Yankee Doodle failure
He let so many people die
Coronavirus hasn’t gone away
Here on the Fourth of July
He is our Yankee Doodle nightmare
He’s our Yankee Doodle shit
Yankee Doodle fucked up DC
Just to help his cronies
He is the racist Jizztrumpet
200701
200701
I didn’t kiss it!
Most every day, I walk my dog
And on one walk, we found a frog
It was not jumping on a log
Or hiding in a stinky bog
We found it near a busy road
Perhaps in fact it was a toad
It hopped around and never slowed
So I walked home to my abode
200629
200629
Friends of Frenamath
A trio took a demon down
And won the favor of a town
His Holiness – benevolent
He smites foes quite malevolent
Some say that Voron is a sneak
Just ’cause it seems his fingers speak
The fighter plucked the demon’s heart
So locals thought they’d do their part
The scene of such a noble act
Now Ravnar’s Tower – that’s a fact!
You’d best not try to block their path
The heroes three of Frenamath!
200626
200626
I’m attacking the darkness!
There once was a DM named Derek
Whose clichés were rarely generic
He got a new dude
And mage with a ‘tude
To play with a rogue and a cleric
200624
200622
200622
Then pints were quaffed – seven or eight
A dungeon crawl to liberate
Some loot from those with no heart rate
Sarcophagus a heavy weight
The lid came off – a twist of fate
Stone statue then did animate
With one goal – to exterminate
The bard – then target of hulk’s hate
Rolled through the legs to separate
A crossbow aimed – the bolt flew straight
It found its mark – the giant great
Exploded in a spray of slate
The spoils were split with every mate
200619
200619
You have my sympathies
There once was an actor named Ian
Who played parts from noble to peon
As Bilbo and Ash
He made a huge splash
Those roles will endure for an eon
200617
200615
200615
Shocking grasp
One day the lady Seraphin
Sat down upon an old coffin
And right there where the lady sat
Appeared a giant feckin’ rat
Most ladies would scream, cry and gasp
Yer one struck with a shocking grasp
The tail did burn, the rat was charred
A fearsome sight so says this bard
200612
200612
JK = Jaded Karen
There once was a TERF known as Rowling
Her comments got her queer fans growling
Her books once brought cheer
But now it’s quite clear
They’re suitable to scoop dog fouling
200610
200608
200608
Killing kobolds
The kobolds thought that they’d do in
The bard and Lady Serafin
But they did not expect to see
This duo with ferocity
While Serafin got knocked about
The halfling took his crossbow out
The first bolt went into an eye
Now that’s a gruesome way to die
The next three bolts flew through the air
And found their marks with deadly flare
Poor Serafin was black and blue
A healing word made her anew
The lady yelled “now go to sleep!”
A hidden dagger was plunged deep
And now the legend can begin
The bard and Lady Serafin
200605
200605
Happy birthday to my Sweetie Pea
My heart is locked, you have the key
That’s why you are my Sweetie Pea
We love to laugh, we’re filled with glee
This ring makes you my Sweetie Pea
The bestest smile, you’d ever see
So glad you are my Sweetie Pea
Though you are gone and not with me
You’ll always be my Sweetie Pea
200603
200603
Bhí Jean foirfe
I will help you cook the meal
When you’re perfect – no big deal
I will help you dye your hair
You’re so perfect – I don’t care
I will help you with your pain
‘Cause you’re perfect – right as rain
I will help you to get high
Since you’re perfect – won’t ask why
I will help you Sweetie Pea
You are perfect – perfectly
200601
200601
WWJD? What would Jean do?
When cops kill blacks, I think of Jean
And how she’d say, “This is obscene!
That could be me, or my nephews
Who now is dead and on the news!”
What is the crime, or mortal sin
That’s based on color of your skin?
What justifies such an attack?
Their biggest crime? They were born black…
200529
200529
#ICantBreathe
Black men live in fear and terror
Homicide by a badge wearer
They don’t want to burn and riot
They just want some peace and quiet
Police murder due to pigment
White privilege is not a figment
Racists love Jizztrumpet’s chatter
More than ever, #BlackLivesMatter
200527
200527
Serene routine
Walked the dog for exercise
Under partly cloudy skies
Got the clothes in from the line
Poured myself a glass of wine
Played some games and won a few
Hope tomorrow’s this good too
200525
200525
He wants “Fore!” more years
A man is not a man
Who golfs while many die
He has no thoughtful plan
He does not even try
200522
200522
Inches > Centimeters
There once was a fella named Kevin
Who claimed his dick went to eleven
He played truth or dare
They dared him to share
He barely whipped out half of seven
200520
200520
Firsthand knowledge
Is your tummy cramped and coiled?
Do farts leave your trousers soiled?
Is your brown eye feeling boiled?
Check the milk, I bet it’s spoiled!!!
200518
200518
Phase craze
(18 May)
We’re now in phase one
The phase with no fun
(8 June)
Phase two on June 8
Can visit a mate
(29 June)
And when phase three drops
They’ll open most shops
(20 July)
The next phase is four
We’ll go shore to shore
(10 August)
And lastly phase five
The pubs are alive!!!
200515
200515
That sore on his lip was a canker
This fella from Cork was a banker
He got a tattoo of an anchor
He thought it was cool
But that fucking fool
His mom told him – “You’re still a wanker!”
200513
200513
Bags by Brownie
John and Gemma played a silly game
Tried to keep their ten minutes of fame
John and Gemma don’t know when to quit
They should go and eat a bag of shit
200511
200511
Just a little longer
It isn’t over yet
But I am not upset
My parents are still fine
So is that brother mine
I haven’t lost a mate
And though it isn’t great
I know it will be fine
By 2029
200508
200508
Yes, mistress!
There once was a mistress named Megan
She’d often leave wealthy men beggin’
She’d start with a tease
Then quick as you please
She’d bugger them good with a peggin’
200506
200506
In case you were wondering
With no landline in a lockdown
And all your friends are way downtown
With just your pets you live alone
You really shouldn’t wash your phone
200504
200501
200501
5318008 on a calculator
There once was a woman named Helen
With each boob as big as a melon
Each night her two mitts
Were squeezing those tits
Exploring her globes like Magellan