191030
Scariest TV family
They sling a lot of mucky
They’re awful and they’re sucky
They’re altogether yucky
Jizztrumpet family
Dad’s skin could use some bleaching
His kids are good at leaching
I’m hoping for impeaching
Jizztrumpet family
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Pelosi is a calling
The house of cards is falling
I hope to see them bawling
Jizztrumpet family
191025
Apologies to Coolio
As I walk through the packed aisles and I look to my right
I see a game that I want and I devise to squeeze in tight
‘Coz I’ve been planning and reading so long, that
I got to buy this game before it is gone
You see Rahdo told me that this one is phenomenal
Because negative interaction is nominal
Then my wallet does the talkin’, and I start walkin’
Until Boydell’s new game is blockin’
I really love his games, so I buy it, dude
He better sign the box or that would be quite rude, fool
I’m the board game geek that goes around with a Pope hat
So all the folks in the math trade hall know where I’m at
Though I’ve only been there twice
Essen is a gamer’s paradise
Tokens, cards, minis and dice
Essen is a gamer’s paradise
Kickstarter’s my only vice
Essen is a gamer’s paradise
Buying games at twice the price
Essen is a gamer’s paradise
191023
I hope to play at least 16 games in Essen
I play two games in the morning
I play two games at night
I play two games in the afternoon
It makes me feel alright
I play two games when I’m at home
And two at a game store
I play two games before I play two games
And then I play two more
191021
Poitín > pot of gold
The spooky day will be here soon
I have been hyped since half past June
If you don’t like please don’t impugn
I like black cats, but I’m no loon
And over in this land of green
The treats are good, the tricks aren’t mean
And if you’re nice you’ll get poitín
That’s why I treasure Halloween
191014
I see you shiver with antici…
Now’s the time we talk of Rocky
Brad Majors was kind of cocky
Janet Weiss did not like getting
Into scenes that caused seat wetting
Dr. Frank liked looking pretty
Eddie sang a little ditty
Then he got a damn good whacking
Said the man whose neck was lacking
Dr. Scott rode in a buggy
Riff Raff was a balding druggie
And his spying sis Magenta
With Columbia would yenta
Lastly there was Frank’s creation
Who was built for fornication
More than just a midnight movie
Rocky Horror Show is groovy
191007
Monica Zelensky
The bravest use of a whistle
Might see this asshole’s dismissal
Just like Bill Clinton years ago
The Jizztrumpet falls from a blow
191002
Begone ye demon doggie!!!
I walk into an unlit room
My heart races – it fills with gloom
The floorboard squeaks – I catch my breath
The air is filled with rotting death
What horror lurks? What demon near?
I reach my hand trembling with fear
And switch the light to see what’s there
It’s just a farting Brownie Bear
190930
Linc made a big stink
It’s raining
It’s pouring
And Brownie is snoring
Linc shit my bed
I’ll kill him dead
And bury him in the morning
190927
Typical Friday
Stomach rumbles, need to hurry
Gonna go and eat a curry
Swallow it and now I’m groovy
Time for wine and Netflix movie
190925
How do you like them apples?
Today I think I’m gonna try
To bake some apples in a pie
The fruit was grown for Sweetie Pea
I know it will taste good to me
190923
Greta can’t sleep
Big business has stolen the young people’s dreams
They poison the oceans, lakes, rivers and streams
Compostable products like bags, cups and straws
Make them stacks of money all done “for the cause”
190918
Halfway to Paddy’s day
Boiling praties in a pot
Wearing wellies my mum bought
Hoping Rory score a try
Matching braces with my tie
Drying trousers out the back
Giving out and what’s the craic?
Chancing for a shift or shag
Living here is not a drag
190916
I love them both
Brownie loves food and naps and walks
And he loves sticks and balls and rocks
Linc Loves Linc
Brownie loves shoes and coats and hats
And he loves birds and dogs and cats
Linc Loves Linc
Brownie loves him and them and her
And he loves smiles and tails and fur
Linc loves Linc
Brownie loves strong and sweet and stink
And he loves you and me and Linc
Linc Loves Linc
190911
I didn’t mean to hurt you
A while ago I hurt a friend
It took a year to talk again
I only have myself to blame
Our friendship will not be the same
The pain it caused made us both sad
But time has passed and now I’m glad
I have this chance to make amends
That someday soon we can be friends
190909
So blow out the candles and have a piece of cake!
It’s my day of birth, but I ain’t new
Like a deck of cards I’m 52
To my Sweetie Pea I’m Sugar Pooh
I did not move here to eat lamb stew
Count ABC’s twice to get my age
I’m like a tiger trapped in a cage
But maybe this year I’ll turn the page
They say 50 plus is such a rage
Took 52 years to get this far
I walk everywhere ’cause I’ve no car
And my birthday wish is so bizarre
But I want to be a viral star
With my rocking rhymes that have such flair
Plus drawings of Linc and Brownie Bear
Since we’re Facebook friends, I know you care
So please do your part and click on “share”
190906
Another birthday rhyme
For your big day I have a treat
It’s not a meal that you can eat
It’s not a check that you can cash
It’s not a place where you can crash
It’s not a board game you can play
It’s not a dye job for that gray
It just might give a spirit lift
This poem is your birthday gift
190904
Goal gradient hypothesis
Thought I saw the finish line
But it was a warning sign
I’m not even half way there
Jon’s not living on a prayer
There’s a ton of work to do
Coming out the old wazoo
Hold the party, save the cheer
I should be done by next year
190902
Dana Andrews said prunes gave him the runes
Feeling fat – feeling bloated
Eating chips – I’m devoted
Pants too tight – my belt cinches
Need to lose – ’bout two inches
Got a plan – extreme eating
Lots of prunes – then excreting
190830
It wasn’t me
When a drummer meets a drummer
Which one is the bummer?
When a ranger meets a ranger
Which one is in danger?
When a poet meets a poet
Which one doesn’t know it?
When a martyr meets a martyr
Which one is the farter?
190828
Ate legs good – eight legs bad
Creepy crawly – big and hairy
Eight legs skitter – really scary
Thought it might attack my kitty
Or cause havoc in the city
Then it bolted into laundry
Which causes this queasy quandary
Should the pile go in the drier
Or just set the house on fire?
190826
What a shit stain
Jizztrumpet is so insane
His sick and demented brain
Thinks that a bomb from a plane
Could destroy a hurricane
190823
Ten steps back
I need to finish soon
I’ve had this job since June
Just one more week to go
Until I get that dough
The fat lady could sing
Except for one small thing
I need to start anew
And that is why I’m blue
190821
Go blow your trumpet
Hey imbecile – now here’s the thing
You’re Putin’s pawn – you’re not a king
With Israel you failed the quiz
You can’t be more than king of jizz
190819
Seeing red
Hurling is rough
Gotta be tough
Smacked in the nose
That’s how it goes
Play really hard
Get a red card
Icing his bruise
Watch his team lose
Back in the town
Everyone’s down
But no one sneers
He still gets cheers
190816
Not the hypothalamus
There was a lonely man
Who had a needy gland
The throbbing in his hand
Pulsed like a reggae band
He did the deed as planned
The climax felt so grand
190812
Ode to a glove
In my old coat I find a glove
A gift from Jean given with love
It warms my hand, it warms my heart
I think about our time apart
With this snug glove I walk alone
Though it’s been tough, I know I’ve grown
This glove is like a lucky charm
When tightly worn, it wards off harm
I think about the times we spent
My glove on hers and what that meant
The feels I get wearing this glove
From Sweetie Pea with so much love
190809
Excremential crisis
In just one month I’m 52
I have ennui and deja vu
I do not know what I should do
I could wear black or powder blue
I could eat steak or Irish stew
I could watch Jaws or something new
I could just pee or full on poo
Lord give a sign here in the loo!
190807
Self employed blues
I work from home in my underpants
With Brownie and Linc, I sometimes dance
And once in a while, I’ll do some work
Pay’s ok, but the boss is a jerk
190805
Racist cops
If you’re black – cops attack
If you’re brown – cops beat down
If you’re white – cops polite
190802
Supplied with air
I’m all of out rhymes, I can’t make a haiku
I thought I could write my Brownie a theme song
I’m all of out rhymes, I can’t make a haiku
It’s no doubt too late to say that my art’s so wrong
190731
High-jinx
A tough T-Rex named Tony
And a stoned whale named Stoney
Met at the air show in Bray
Then old Stoney and Tony
Saw a polka-dot pony
In a green field chewing hay
Tony then said to Stoney
“Here is my abalone
I must eat pony today!”
So the dinosaur crony
Watched the foul ceremony
Munching his seafood entree
That’s the story of Tony
And his stoned friend named Stoney
Gorging a path to Galway
