Tag: Dick

190816

190816
Not the hypothalamus

There was a lonely man
Who had a needy gland
The throbbing in his hand
Pulsed like a reggae band
He did the deed as planned
The climax felt so grand

190722

190722
In that order

Get good wine – must imbibe
Get some spam – unsubscribe
Get bad breath – brush my teeth
Get some wood – find relief

190408

190408
I’m streaking!

I’ve closed all three rings
500 days in a row
So says Apple Watch

I know I’m prone to being frank
If TMI, give me a spank
But there are times when this old Yank
Has visions saved up in my bank
Of past lovers I’d like to thank
Or boobies squeezed into a tank
And when my engine’s set to crank
I give myself a blissful wank

181005

181005
His own fields were barren or fallow

There once was a fella from Mallow
Who was without depth and quite shallow
No lass good enough
His pillow he’d fluff
And into it wank with beef tallow

180919

180919
Toad is a dick!

Raphael has a pointy sai
Captain Mal has a Firefly
GI Joe has a kung fu grip
Jizztrumpet has a mushroom tip
Ms Pac-Man has a cute hair bow
These are things that I can’t unknow

180803

180803
Patron saint of wood

There once was woman named Brigid
Whom most lads considered quite frigid
But she was quite quick
At taking a dick
And making it stiff, thick and rigid

180606

180606
Gofunme.com

A man with a charity bucket
Once thought about trying to suck it
He knew that his dick
Would not do the trick
And wished he was born in Nantucket

180316

180316
She thoughtfully takes a long while-y

There once was a lass named O’Reilly
Though missing her teeth, she was smiley
With no biting fangs
To gnaw on those wangs
The Sullivan lads praised her highly

180117

180117
Just the tip

There was a strange man from Kilkenny
Who’d suck his own dick for a penny
The kind of a guy
Who’d blast in his eye
If given a ten or a twenny

171111

171111
Louie, Louie you’re gonna cry

I once saw a man in Salinas
Who wouldn’t stop stroking his penis
Away I did race
He quickened his pace
And covered the distance between us

170623

170623
Cry me a liver

There once was a Ruben named Billy
Who could make your outside look silly
He’d yellow your skin
Your hands, feet and chin
Right down to your boobs and/or willy

170621

170621
Put that away!

Brownie wants to get a treat
And he has a brand-new trick
He will sit down on your feet
And display his red lipstick

170522

170522
Apologies to John, Paul, George and Ringo

Melania told Jizztrumpet
I hate your orange tan
Then she told Jizztrumpet
Your stupid Muslim ban
Your tiny, wrinkled gland
Don’t want to hold your hand

160706

160706
‪#‎FuckThePolice‬

What’s with this racist cop shit?
They need to fucking stop it!
Motherfuckers with a badge
Their tiny dicks get no vag
So they fling the brown man down
Throw his black ass on the ground
Shoot him twice into his head
Motherfuckers shot him dead!
No need for a punk ass trial
Though they’re guilty by a mile
Murder pigs will be set free
Slap the black community
It’s the same shit as before
They must want a racial war
We all want to live in peace
Till we do – FUCK THE POLICE!

160304

160304
His hands do look small

Let’s analyze last night’s debate
By candidates I love to hate
They gave us more hyperbole
A booger eaten on TV
The next thing really made me sick
We got to hear about Trump’s dick
I don’t know why he’s in first place
I want to move to outer space

160217

160217
All aboard!

We passed through Limerick on vacation
And saw a man at the train station
His pants on the ground
A crowd gathered ’round
And witnessed his wild masturbation

150729

150729
Kill a lion lose your business seems fair

If you want to kill a lion
You’re a dick there’s no denyin’
It’s one thing to shoot a weasel
But why’d you go and shoot Cecil?
You spent a lot to take a life
Better spent on a battered wife
Now you’ve given us a reason
To start dentist hunting season

150403

150403
Or I’d be rhyming about roosters

I might have a writer’s block
I could have a writer’s smock
I do have a writer’s walk
I opened a writer’s lock
And this might come as a shock
I don’t have a writer’s cock

150316

150316
Ya gotta love yourself

Put your hand
On your gland
Stretch it like a rubber band
When it’s out
Give a shout
Got to shake it all about
Now you’re done
With your fun
Put away that flaccid gun

140601

140601
Go Kings Go!

It’s overtime in game seven
It’s go home or go to heaven
Tyler Toffoli’s deflection
Gives this Kings fan an erection
The Blackhawks put on a good show
But not good enough – Go Kings Go!

140117

140117
Just say nyet!

There are those that are gluten-free
But the world should be Putin-free
He’s as bad as Josef Stalin
Russia’s status is free-fallin’
They are hosting the winter games
While his speeches are fanning flames
His views are as thick as a brick
Vladimir Putin – you’re a dick!

140111

140111
Copied a copy-cat

Yesterday I posted a spoof
Of plagiarist Shia LaBeouf
Copying is not creative
And his work was replicative
This asshole has no discretion
He even stole his confession
He sky wrote and tweeted a pic
Thus making him Shia LaDick
So don’t worry, you can relax
There have been no recent attacks
My poems are not abating
I will never #stopcreating

0726

0726
Is that an oil derrick…

There once was a man from Bakersfield
Who had a secret that he concealed
Within his tight pants
That ripped when he danced
And all were shocked by what was revealed

0720

0720
Danish Doxy

There once was a woman from Solvang
Who was looking for a guy to bang
She found some nice dudes
Without attitudes
But she’d still rather have a big wang

0706

0706
Big isn’t always better

There once was a man from Germany
Who had a dick that hung to his knee
In lederhosen
The tip got frozen
And flew off when he tried to go pee

0610

0610
Spring can’t come soon enough

Drink your wine and drown in your beer
Game of Thrones is done for the year
Hard to top what happened last week
But Ramsay tries by taunting “Reek”
Tywin and son have a good talk
Balon Greyjoy gets a used cock
Yara sails for the Narrow Sea
Jaime reunites with Cersei
Lord Varys does not impress Shae
Davos helps Gendry get away
Stannis may fight beyond the wall
Dragon Girl is mother to all
Most think that Sansa is last Stark
Arya’s bite is worse than Hound’s bark
Ygritte with her bow and arrow
Points out “You know nothing Jon Snow”
Sam and Gilly find secret door
Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor

0529

0529
Hump day Howard

Lisa and Ronnie finally kiss
Ronnie doesn’t think squirting is piss
Too much Mambo will make Lisa sick
You can play piano with your dick
Maria Menounos won’t pour beer
So Kevin puts it in Richard’s rear
The things you learn that you didn’t know
All today on the Howard Stern show

0130

0130
And she went adios

There was an old man from Cayucos
Who never had sex, but he came close
A chick was willing
To do some drilling
But his derrick was too grandiose

0125

0125
Clamtastic!

The once was a man from Nipomo
Who drove to the village of Pismo
He looked at a clam
And shouted “Hot Damn!”
And wondered why this made his dick grow.

0116

0116
Even the logo was full of ’em!

It started while watching Bewitched.
Was thrown when the Darrins were switched.
Samantha had some magic tricks.
None better than doubling of Dicks.
Dick Sargent filled in for Dick York.
But Darrin was still a big dork.
So much phallus as evidence.
Obsession or coincidence?
Last fact to stuff the ballot box,
Dick Sargent’s birth name was Dick Cox!