141217

141217
Season’s greetings from Arkham

Oh Cthulhu, Oh Cthulhu!
Thy tentacles are moving
Oh Cthulhu, Oh Cthulhu!
Thy tentacles are moving
Your green appendages are near,
You bring about such dread and fear
Oh Cthulhu, Oh Cthulhu!
Thy tentacles are moving!

141215

141215
Flat tire fairy came twice

Another flat tire
There goes my entire
Christmas fund
With only fifty cents
I cannot buy presents
I’ll be shunned
Nothing for my family
No gifts under the tree
Or in socks
Though my wallet is lean
Doesn’t matter to Jean
My wife rocks

141127

141127
Helping immigrants – what a concept

Eating way too much
And fighting with loved ones
Happy Thanksgiving!

141111

141111
Thanks for serving

This day honors those who serve
It’s a privilege they deserve
To protect the USA
We all get a holiday
So we drove around to see
The greatness of our country
We saw nature – oh the feels
Zebras and elephants seals
Hawks and Canadian Geese
A beautiful world at peace
I feel like I’m in heaven
This day goes to eleven

140615

140615
He’s my happy pappy

To the best dad in town
Who never lets us down
Your barbecues are great
And your jokes are first rate
You’re like totally rad
Happy Father’s Day dad

140523

140523
Making memories for Memorial Day Weekend

Three day weekend
With my best friend
72 hours of fun
Gonna sleep late
It will be great
Already good and just begun!

140511

140511
#1 Mom

I have the world’s best mother
She cooks meals like no other
She keeps a spick-and-span house
She cleans with nary a grouse
Always time to fix a mess
Every task is a success
I have the world’s best mother
I love her like no other

140401

140401
But I do root for the Angels

I’ve been the butt of many jokes
But I won’t fall for any hoax
I don’t belong to a think tank
But you’ll still find me hard to prank
I’ve never been a master sleuth
But I won’t believe your untruth
I’ve been a nerd since grammar school
But I am not the April Fool

140317

140317
Paddy O’Downer

It happens every year
Wannabes drink green beer
Eat cabbage and corned beefs
Think shamrocks have four leafs
I don’t want to be mean
But simply wearing green
And acting childish
Doesn’t make you Irish

140305

140305
Do priests give up wine for lent?

Today is the first day of lent
It’s marked by a smudging event
A priest rubs some dirt on your head
So you look like the walking dead
And then you’re expected to quit
Something that you like for a bit
The best part of this canon law
Is partying on Mardi Gras
I wonder if celibate monks
Are jealous of church approved drunks

140213

140213
Happy singles appreciation day

Don’t you worry, never fear
Valentine’s is almost here
The one day you love to hate
‘Cause you do not have a mate
Even though you went on match
You still have an itch to scratch
Now the hour’s getting late
So you sadly masturbate

1231

1231
Thanks for everything 2013!

It’s 2014 eve
Today I will achieve
A feat you won’t believe
For every day this year
My poems caused a cheer
Or some to shed a tear
I used words in a rhyme
My drawings looked like slime
But finished every time
Next year’s resolution
My rhyme revolution
Will find distribution

1229

1229
I hope 2014 is swell

Auld Lang Syne
By Robert Burns

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu’d the gowans fine;
But we’ve wandered mony a weary fit
Sin’ auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidled i’ the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin’ auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie’s a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll tak a right guid-willie waught

For auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

1226

1226
Gloves are 50% off too

Boxing day has nothing to do
With pugilists or people who
Punch your face or get into fights
It’s about presenting delights
To folks who need to get a break
We should all give more than we take

1225

1225
Did you get it?

Did you get a Barbie doll?
Did you get a basketball?
Did you get a brand new car?
Did you get a steel guitar?
Did you get that fun new game?
Did you get a picture frame?
Did you get a gold iPhone?
Did you get some sweet cologne?
Did you get the xbox one?
Did you get a BB gun?
Did you get a racing bike?
Did you get that thing you like?
Did you get a choo choo train?
Did you get a golden chain?
Did you get a chia pet?
Did you get a clarinet?
As we eat our Christmas spread
Think of those without a bed
There are folks that just want life
For their brother or their wife
There are kids out in the street
Looking for a scrap to eat
Is there something you can do
To help make these dreams come true?

1224

1224
Happy holidays haiku

On this Christmas Eve
We’re driving far to be close
Happy holidays!

1223

1223
It’s a Festivus miracle

December 23rd is Festivus
It’s a holiday for the rest of us
If diminished distractions are your goal
No tinsel on your aluminum pole
If disappointed, grievances can air
Tell them how you feel like you just don’t care
Meatloaf is the traditional dinner
The Feats of Strength need to have a winner
If no one pins the head of the household
Festivus continues for time untold

1222

1222
And to all a good night!

A Visit from St. Nicholas
By Clement Clarke Moore

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blixen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too—
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack.
His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

1218

1218
All that and a chili dog too

Tonight is our Christmas soiree
For the folks I work with all day
It’s over in Oceano
To see a variety show
With all the popcorn we can eat
This X-mas party won’t be beat

1216

1216
If Jesus were brown, and Santa was black
Megyn Kelly would have a heart attack

I’m dreaming of a brown Jesus
Just like the man from Bethlehem
Megyn Kelly thinks it’s needless
If he’s not white, she would condemn
I’m dreaming of a Black Santa
With every poem that I write
He’s bringing gifts to Atlanta
But Megyn thinks that isn’t right
May you get a gift from his sack
And may all your Santas be black

1209

1209
Best one until next year

I don’t think I will ever see
A better looking Christmas tree
The ornaments that mean so much
Look at Tiny Tim with his crutch
And there’s Homer as Mr. Plow
And Spider-Man’s on the top bough
Santa’s there with a twinkling light
It’s perfect for this chilly night

1206

1206
Sorry can’t reach my pocket

Christmas time is here
Do you have the cheer?
And by cheer I meant
Please give your last cent
To the most greedy
Rather than needy

1128

1128
Chappy Chanukah too

Turkey, Cranberries
And all the yams you can eat
Happy Thanksgiving!

1111

1111
Peace man

Today is for those who have served
The praise they receive is deserved
While cheers are good, we should do more
Let’s honor them by ending war

1103

1103
Howard Phillips <3 Craft

Hallowe’en in a Suburb
By H. P. Lovecraft

The steeples are white in the wild moonlight,
And the trees have a silver glare;
Past the chimneys high see the vampires fly,
And the harpies of upper air,
That flutter and laugh and stare.

For the village dead to the moon outspread
Never shone in the sunset’s gleam,
But grew out of the deep that the dead years keep
Where the rivers of madness stream
Down the gulfs to a pit of dream.

A chill wind weaves thro’ the rows of sheaves
In the meadows that shimmer pale,
And comes to twine where the headstones shine
And the ghouls of the churchyard wail
For harvests that fly and fail.

Not a breath of the strange grey gods of change
That tore from the past its own
Can quicken this hour, when a spectral pow’r
Spreads sleep o’er the cosmic throne
And looses the vast unknown.

So here again stretch the vale and plain
That moons long-forgotten saw,
And the dead leap gay in the pallid ray,
Sprung out of the tomb’s black maw
To shake all the world with awe.

And all that the morn shall greet forlorn,
The ugliness and the pest
Of rows where thick rise the stones and brick,
Shall some day be with the rest,
And brood with the shades unblest.

Then wild in the dark let the lemurs bark,
And the leprous spires ascend;
For new and old alike in the fold
Of horror and death are penn’d,
For the hounds of Time to rend.

1101

1101
Reese’s pumpkin hangover

Dia De Los Muertos – Day of the Dead
Is symbolized by a skeletal head
It’s a time for family and reflection
After a night of too much confection

1031

1031
And pumpkin cider

A Happy Halloween
To every kid and tween
If you are on our street
Come by to trick-or-treat
While you eat our candy
We’ll be drinking brandy

1028

1028
Our werewolf is pretty hairy

Trick or treaters should be wary
Of our house; it looks real scary
While our candy is quite tasty
It might be a little hasty
To approach us for some candy
A good costume would be handy
So don’t even think of knocking
If your outfit isn’t rocking

1026

1026
Pathfinder Adventure Card Game rules

There once was a girl named Seoni
Who recharged her spells quite easily
When faced with a foe
She sets them aglow
And lights them up like a Christmas Tree

1024

1024
See you next year

Halloween’s near!
Pumpkins appear
This time of year
Though Jean will cheer
It may seem queer
I quake with fear
But do not jeer
Or look and sneer
This sounds severe
But I’m sincere
Let me be clear
My dread will rear
When it is here
I’ll disappear!

0919

0919
Corn for only a buck an ear

Shiver me timbers! Blow me down!
Scurvy pirates are back in town!
Don’t walk the plank like a bilge rat!
Arrr! Drink some grog out of a vat!
If seaman talk is rewarded,
Ahoy! Prepare to be boarded!
Avast me proud buxom beauty!
I’d love to plunder yer booty!
I’ve got a patch and a polly!
Aye aye! My Roger is Jolly!

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