1007
Jean does good
Along the center divider
Of the street, there was a turtle
Dozens of cars seemed to hurtle
Past the little red-eared slider
Jean stopped to rescue the reptile
He thought he was getting away
He couldn’t have run far that day
Each inch seemed to him like a mile
By himself, he was a loaner
Trying to leave his friends behind
His hopes of escaping declined
When Jean brought him to his owner
1005
By his grotesque appendage
I dreamed of Cthulhu last night
The nightmare caused me such a fright
While sailing on the clear blue sea
His tentacles reached out to me
Caught between terror and panic
His pulpy head was gigantic
Part dragon and part crustacean
I cowered with trepidation
The horror would not go away
He ensnared me to my dismay
He dragged me screaming for a mile
Back to his Cyclopean isle
I struggled ‘gainst his slimy hands
And dwelled not on his ghastly plans
Doomed by this unholy kraken
I hoped I would soon awaken
Remarkably a new day dawned
My eyes opened and then I yawned
It’s over now, I’ll be all right
I dreamed of Cthulhu last night
1003
I need a Bloody Mary
Today I met a fairy
Playful but kind of wary
She wasn’t very hairy
But smelled like Boysenberry
Clothes crimson like a cherry
Wings delicate and airy
But strong enough to carry
A sprite so very merry
Attractive and not scary
Like Tinkerbell from Barrie
I hope someday she’ll marry
And live up in an aerie
1001
Your Uncle Sam is who I am
Do you like the man so tan?
I don’t like him Uncle Sam
I don’t like his stupid hair
He just doesn’t seem to care
I don’t like him in the house
Anybody but that louse
He’s dumb like a bag of rocks
He’s the color of a fox
His beliefs are so bizarre
He’s GOP like Babar
He helped shut down Ol’ D.C.
Then danced and shouted “whoopee!”
His tactics are so insane
He’s causing us so much pain
His bite is worse than his bark
Meaner than a great white shark
Why’d he have to crow and gloat?
I hope he gets a sore throat
He thinks this is the best way
He’ll see on election day
How he hates Obamacare
I don’t like him anywhere
I don’t like the man so tan
I don’t like him Uncle Sam
0930
DC = Drown Congress
We’re headed for a government shutdown
We need a solution quick and profound
Something to clean up the filth of Georgetown
We should let all the politicians drown
0928
More money to buy more junk
Today we had a yard sale
But we didn’t sell our yard
We sold our junk without fail
What’s leftover will be charred
0927
Carbs really are bad
The head of pasta maker Barilla
Has a case of verbal diarrhea
No matter how much the right will insist
The “classic family” does not exist
I don’t hate them because they’re anti-gay
But I rarely eat bad carbs anyway
0926
Pope is a dope
Pope Francis said in a promo
That he was not anti-homo
Then he excommunicated
A pro-gay priest who had stated
Women should be ordained as well
The Vatican can go to hell
0923
Being green costs a lot of green
Tesla was once known for a coil
Now it’s a car that needs no oil
I saw one in Los Alamos
For that town, it was grandiose
No place for an electric car
Owned by an aging movie star
Getting drunk in a wine-fueled haze
Kind of like that movie Sideways
Is the car about being green
Or do you get it to be seen?
Electric cars are close at hand
But this one is a hundred grand!
0921
Life’s rough
Pepper meet Raven
Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff
They both are craven
Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff
Their barks make me weep
Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff
We will never sleep
Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff
0920
As long as you wanted black
Today I bought the new iPhone
But I am not an Apple drone
Using my old phone made me moan
Caused more pain than a kidney stone
Into a trash can it was thrown
I had to get a payday loan
So I could buy my very own
‘Cause I’m broke and my credit blown
These are not things I would condone
But I live in the Danger Zone
0919
Corn for only a buck an ear
Shiver me timbers! Blow me down!
Scurvy pirates are back in town!
Don’t walk the plank like a bilge rat!
Arrr! Drink some grog out of a vat!
If seaman talk is rewarded,
Ahoy! Prepare to be boarded!
Avast me proud buxom beauty!
I’d love to plunder yer booty!
I’ve got a patch and a polly!
Aye aye! My Roger is Jolly!
0917
On 2nd thought
Why does our right to bear an arm
Trump another’s freedom from harm?
Another shooting means more dead
When will it sink into our head?
I’m okay with us keeping guns
But not owning assault weapons
High capacity magazines
Should be reserved for the Marines
When the time comes for overthrow
We will be our most deadly foe
0916
The princess kissing would make me horny too!
Hey, Mr. Horned Toad
Get off of the road
Here comes a big van
To squish flatter than
A piece of paper
We’d need a scraper
To clean up the street
It wouldn’t be neat
Your wife would be sad
Her kids with no dad
So, Mr. Horned Toad
Get off of the road
0914
Netlingo Haiku
OMG HB
ROFLMAO
143 SP
OMG = Oh My God!
HB = Honey Bunny
ROFLMAO = Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off
143 = I Love You (1 Letter, 4 Letters, 3 Letters)
SP = Sweetie Pea
0913
Always bet on black
Thirteen can be quite scary
But I don’t think it’s very
And who doesn’t like Friday?
I think of it as my day
To get a fist full of green
And bet it on black thirteen
0912
Victory is Bruin I ain’t Lion
Detroit has suffered in recent years
Bankruptcy and crime have topped the tears
Enter Bruin Joseph Fauria
His touch down dance brings euphoria
Such fantastic moves from a Tight End
The team and city are on the mend
0911
Remember all of it
We will never forget
Watching the TV set
We will never forget
Jumping without a net
We will never forget
Towers falling, cheeks wet
We will never forget
Brave heroes on a jet
We will never forget
Everybody upset
We will never forget
Bush discounting a threat
We will never forget
Hawkish Congress in step
We will never forget
Bombing with no regret
We will never forget
The fear of a cadet
We will never forget
Another soldier’s sweat
We will never forget
A mounting war-time debt
We will never forget
0909
9/9 is pretty fine
Happy birthday to me
I love sweetie pea
I’m twice twenty-three
Happy birthday to me
0907
Housecleaning haiku
Time to clean the house
Lift a box, and move it there
Same stuff, different place
0906
Wait ’til next decade
We’re at that time of year
When Raider fans can cheer
‘Cause they still have a chance
At the Super Bowl Dance
For two more days at least
Until their hopes are ceased
0905
What is it good for?
Another chance for us to bully
From the Mediterranean Sea
Obama – shine your Nobel Peace prize
This is wrong, you gotta realize
You need to find a way to save face
We shouldn’t be there in the first place
0903
Make love not war
Bashar al-Assad is an ass
Especially if he used gas
But I emphatically implore
Obama – do not go to war!
0902
Though it’ll be hot ’til Halloween
Labor Day, the end of summer
Work tomorrow, what a bummer
Today is swimming in the pool
Tomorrow going back to school
Today is hanging with good friends
Tomorrow summer vacay ends
Don’t become a Summer mourner
Christmas is around the corner
0830
She’s scary stupid
I want my Sweetie Pea
To come sit next to me
And watch our AGT
We like Nick and Heidi
And Howard and Howie
But we don’t like Mel B
She has a nice booty
But as dense as a tree
0829
Damn you Marvel Studios!
Speculation is now gone
James Spader will play Ultron
In comics he’s built by Pym
But the movie won’t have him
So there goes my costume plan
I cannot go as Ant-Man
0828
It was 50 years ago today
I also have a dream
That shouldn’t be extreme
We should live together
As sister and brother
In the South and the North
In peace from this day forth
Yo también tengo un sueño
Mi deseo no es pequeño
0827
Why is it a handbasket?
What’s the criteria
For war with Syria?
Are chemical attacks
The motivating facts?
Odom’s habit’s well known
Nerds wait for new iPhone
Microsoft needs new head
Neil Armstrong is still dead
As Yosemite burns
Our ill-fated world turns
0826
Remember when they played videos?
Questions raised at the VMAs
Does Taylor Swift deserve the praise?
Did Lady Gaga’s costumes flop?
Is Timberlake new King of Pop?
Who knew N’Sync was still working?
Why the heck was Miley twerking?
0823
Jersey Girl wasn’t that bad
Never known for having priorities straight
Comic book geeks are unreasonably irate
Keeping in mind we dropped the bomb on Japan
The worst thing ever is Affleck as Batman
It’s hard to argue when the heads aren’t level
“He sucked in Gigli. He sucked as Daredevil”
Is it really his fault that those movies failed?
“Yes! Get a cross and make sure his hands are nailed!”
He’s no Brando, but I liked him in “Mallrats”
So, throw down the pitchforks and let go the bats
Your quarrel is as moot as this is bizarre
Peter Dinklage Hula Hooped at a gay bar
0821
To the victor…
Here’s a Spoiler Alert!
People hate when you blurt
Last night’s secret ending
You found so heartrending
DVR and TiVo
Changed when we watch our show
So if someone is killed
Don’t be the one who spilled
