140311
Barack was friggin’ funny
Obama went on Between Two Ferns
And roasted Zach with some major burns
He put up with Zach’s jokes and blank stare
To help promote his Obamacare
If more young adults will get insured
It will be worth all that he endured
140309
You can’t be down when you’re going up
If exercise is what you like
Perhaps you should go take a hike
It’s good for your constitution
To get away from pollution
A good workout without a doubt
Is going on a walkabout
In order to be fit and hale
Lace up your boots and hit the trail!
140307
At least it wasn’t potato bug
Jean just saw a spider
It skittered beside her
Though it didn’t hurt her
She asked me to murder
The huge hairy spider
That skittered beside her
I stomped on its body
And dropped it in potty
In the death triple crown
The spider got flushed down
A warning to spiders
They should stay outsiders
140305
Do priests give up wine for lent?
Today is the first day of lent
It’s marked by a smudging event
A priest rubs some dirt on your head
So you look like the walking dead
And then you’re expected to quit
Something that you like for a bit
The best part of this canon law
Is partying on Mardi Gras
I wonder if celibate monks
Are jealous of church approved drunks
140303
A mighty howl awoo awoooo!
If you keep your eyeballs peeled
While scanning an open field
Looking past the tribe of goat
You might spot the lone coyote
He looks back to your delight
As he slinks out of your sight
140301
It came quickly
This so-called storms was incomplete
It rained enough to flood the street
It washed my car and soaked our lawn
But quick as it came, It was gone
140227
Good grub great guys
It is National Chili Day
So spend it in a special way
My favorite place to go is Tom’s
They put hair on your chest and palms
They serve iced tea from a bottle
And talk comics with a model
Don’t be scared ’cause their skin is brown
Tom’s Take-out is the best in town
140223
Not McDreamy
or McSteamy
but unseemly
From the hairs inside my noes
To the claws upon my toes
I’m as round as a trash can
But I’m hot, ’cause I’m a man
140221
Now on kickstarter!
The perfect game for a geek date
Is Cosmic Wombat’s Stones of Fate
Easy to play and quick to learn
Leaves time to flirt during your turn
There’s wands and swords and cups and coins
And artwork that might thrill your loins
It’s made by my friend Luke Laurie
And tests your skills and memory
To win a card, you place your stones
Then flip the card, and check the zones
If you play games with your soul mate
Then you should try the Stones of Fate
140219
We found our home!
Our house, our house, we sold our house!
We were homeless, me and my spouse
And house hunting can be scary
So we called on our friend Mary
Through many listings we did comb
Until we found the perfect home!
140217
And not one eye was lost
The game con was fun by golly
I playtested with Tom Jolly
In Dreadwood Luke did desecrate
Jeff demonstrated Stones of Fate
After I Rolled Through the Ages
I saw warriors and mages
In Caverna my dwarves explored
Then I bought games I could afford
We got home before it was dawn
Another successful Orccon!
140215
They were fabulous at the Forum
We just saw Simon and Sting
Those two guys can really sing
From The Boxer to Fragile
They both proved they have it still
140213
Happy singles appreciation day
Don’t you worry, never fear
Valentine’s is almost here
The one day you love to hate
‘Cause you do not have a mate
Even though you went on match
You still have an itch to scratch
Now the hour’s getting late
So you sadly masturbate
140211
Number one with a bullet
When making number two
There is no guarantee
I want to make a poo
But all I do is pee
I give it all I got
And try with all my heart
But squatting on the pot
The most I do is fart
140209
What’s up on the road
The Walking Dead is back on
We saw Rick, Carl and Michonne
But no Carol or Daryl
We do not know their peril
Poor Hershel was just a head
No more spoilers will be said
140207
Believe what you want, but you’re wrong
On a Friday, dark and dreary
Reading Facebook, I get weary
From doubters of Big Bang Theory
What I tell them causes friction
When I say the Bible’s fiction
Young Earth is a contradiction
Faith is their sole reliance
They don’t understand real science
They’re as dumb as an appliance
140205
They looked good enough to eat
While I’m walking down the street
Bunnies hopping on concrete
They are cute and so petite
Those hares made my day complete
140203
It really makes me upset
Another password reset
I break out in a cold sweat
Changing them is never fun
I can’t remember this one
Should I use a percent sign?
Should I try to intertwine
Capitals and lower case?
Do I have to put a space?
In my head, my password’s stored
And taped onto my keyboard
140201
116 bottles to be honest
99 bottles of wine in our house
And we finished them all, me and my spouse
We sipped Grenache, Syrah and Chardonnay
We quaffed Marsanne, Roussanne and Cabernet
We drank Zinfandel and Sauvignon Blanc
We gulped Viognier and Cabernet Franc
We had bottles from Zaca and Talley
Some from Red Zeppelin and Edna Valley
We had Casa Dumetz and Bishop’s Peak
I wonder how many we’ll drink next week!
140131
Broncos – 4
Seahawks – 20
The Seahawks and the Broncos
Former AFC West foes
From states where pot is allowed
The NFL must be proud
A THC Super Bowl
Where getting high is the goal
140129
You cannot deny warming’s not a lie
The rain is a lie
Bright sun in the sky
It’s hot as July
The soil is bone dry
The farmers all cry
Their crops wilt and die
There is no supply
Of fresh food to buy
A tear’s in my eye
As life says good-bye
140127
If I had one to sell
I would commit the perfect crime
In order to get more free time
There’s not enough time in the day
I have to work instead of play
When I was young, I had the time
But then I didn’t have a dime
Free time and money are the goal
To have them both, I’d sell my soul!
140125
The title is in this hat
On my desk, there lays a cat
But he does not lay real flat
So he’s not a good place mat
It is hard to make him scat
Seldom does he want to chat
Yet he always wants a pat
If you don’t, he is a brat
He’s still cute, imagine that
140121
I can’t trust a fart
If you fart and no one’s there
Should you really even care?
If it makes a nasty sound
Even though no one’s around
Do you say, “Excuse me sirs?”
What happens when that occurs?
If it waters up your eyes
How should you apologize?
Do you say, “I’m sorry ma’am”?
Does she even give a damn?
If I’m in an empty room
And I toot a smelly fume
I hope that the dog walks by
So that I can point and lie
It is certainly an art
To know when and where to fart
140119
I just had a good time
I kinda lost track of time
But I was able to rhyme
It’s better late than never
When doing this forever
140117
Just say nyet!
There are those that are gluten-free
But the world should be Putin-free
He’s as bad as Josef Stalin
Russia’s status is free-fallin’
They are hosting the winter games
While his speeches are fanning flames
His views are as thick as a brick
Vladimir Putin – you’re a dick!
140115
Banksy even tagged our wall
Justin Bieber egged our house
Got TP’ed by Mickey Mouse
Left Eye tried to burn us down
Neighbors always wear a frown
Someone left a burning bag
Smelled so bad it made us gag
If our neighbors don’t improve
Think that we will have to move
140111
Copied a copy-cat
Yesterday I posted a spoof
Of plagiarist Shia LaBeouf
Copying is not creative
And his work was replicative
This asshole has no discretion
He even stole his confession
He sky wrote and tweeted a pic
Thus making him Shia LaDick
So don’t worry, you can relax
There have been no recent attacks
My poems are not abating
I will never #stopcreating
140109
And freaking zebras too!
From the smartest hawk to the dumbest quail
From the fastest fox to the slowest snail
From the harbor seal to the sly raccoon
From the humpback whale to the arctic loon
From the sea lion to the bold seagull
From the sea otter to the bald eagle
From the coyote to the grizzly bear
From the spotted owl to the snowshoe hare
From the pretty deer to the ugly boar
I enjoy wildlife and want to see more!
140107
I’m experiencing disquietude
I truly need a break
I’ve had all I can take
Please send all of the stress
To a different address
My magnificent plan
To breathe deep as I can
If this plan doesn’t work
I’ll probably go berserk
