Category: Ridiculous Rhymes

150223

150223
LOL’d at Blackhawks

Tom and Lourdes came to visit
The good times were quite exquisite
We started with the butterflies
The Rib Line had beach balls and fries
We drove around to taste some wine
About that time, we felt real fine
Joe Daddy was in the Casa
We ate tortas like a boss-a
Then played Dixit and Zombie Dice
About that time, sleep sure was nice
Waffles made from cinnamon rolls
Accompanied by fruit in bowls
Sent T and L off on their way
We did all that in just one day!

150220

150220
How do most dog stories end?

I hope Brownie learns
He has no more turns
Books are for reading
They’re not for eating

150218

150218
Eat ice cream for breakfast day

Ice cream for breakfast; ice cream for lunch
Ice cream for dinner; eat it with punch
Ice cream for dessert; ice cream all day
Ice cream will affect how much you weigh
Ice cream for parties; ice cream all night
To help cancer kids, let’s have a bite!

150216

150216
Or shave it bald

If I have some gray up there
I can put dye in my hair
But I’d like to have a hint
When my pubes should lose their tint
Wonder if it would confound
If I color up my mound

150213

150213
Black cats are slimming

On a Friday, in Kentucky
Thirteen black cats are unlucky
Farmer Brown could not be fatter
So he fell off of his ladder
Safely indoors the poor fella
Opened up a plaid umbrella
Then his daughter broke a mirror
As the black cats skittered nearer
Unaware of superstitions
They were shot with Brown’s munitions
Poor black cats they only wanted
To warn that the house was haunted

150211

150211
One hand in my pocket

Don’t act like a brat
Don’t wrestle a cat
Don’t eat when you’re fat
Don’t let it fall flat
Don’t wear the wrong hat
Don’t sleep on a mat
Don’t be a pack rat
Don’t say it like that
And above all else
Don’t go to combat

150209

150209
It’s a dog eat book world

Shredded paper on the ground
From what used to be a book
Culprit’s fur is chocolate brown
Know he’s guilty from that look

150206

150206
Forever forever

“Who loves you more than me?”
“Nobody, Nobody!
“What can I do for thee?”
“Please be my Sweetie Pea!”

150204

150204
Raise your fin if you’re a left shark

Left shark, left shark dancing on stage
Rocking out for minimum wage
Can’t dance on time, can’t keep the beat
His downfall was his two left feet

150202

150202
A butt tuba

Taro rat
Tangy gnat
Taboo bat
Taco cat

150130

150130
Who needs a hug?

Please consider this my open letter
Everyone of us has to do better
Regardless of race, age, sex, class, or creed
Understanding’s a societal need
It’s easier to be apathetic
But we need to be more sympathetic
Kindness is not a good we should ration
Every person deserves our compassion
If you were not born with the patient gene
You don’t have to be nice, but don’t be mean
Don’t take this as overly demanding
But we all need some more understanding

150128

150128
Allegory of magnanimity

A virtue sitting down
A lion at her feet
The putti brought a crown
The Getty was real neat

150126

150126
No shit?

Here are some facts you never knew
About the act called number two
The first point is a little crude
But crap is mostly not old food
Eat at the cafeteria
And then you make bacteria
Because the way it’s broken down
Dead red blood cells turn feces brown
Our GI tracts are so complex
Our colons differ for each sex
A good turd is a log that sinks
I think it’s one that barely stinks
Plant cellulose is good for you
It’s why you see corn in doodoo
We carnivores may have a gripe
‘Cause Vegetarians don’t wipe
Newborn doodie is quite bizarre
It’s odorless and looks like tar
The weirdest thing they do with poo
Is when they put it inside you
This can repair your GI tract
Good shit saves lives and that’s a fact!

150123

150123
So many questions

Whatchu doin’ for a living?
Are you taking more than giving?
Are you happy, are you healthy?
Are you married, are you wealthy?
Do you have some pets or fishes?
Do you cook and do the dishes?
Have you made your fame and glory?
Won’t you tell me your life’s story?

150121

150121
Here’s my SOTU recap

State of the Union – time for nap
Only two more years – it’s a wrap
It’s like he’s on his final lap
Next to Biden and orange chap
Taxing the rich is not a slap
Middle Class is treated like crap
Obama plans to close the gap
He wants students to get their cap
The pipeline plan he had to scrap
Defend free speech, condemn the slap
It makes us safe, it’s not a trap
He put transgenders on the map
That’s sure to cause a right wing flap
He finished with a huge “Oh snap!”
“No more campaigns to run” – clap, clap
“I won both of them” – shut yer yap!

150119

150119
He do not sow

We said goodbye to Ziggy
He wasn’t very biggie
A tiny little fishy
Who wasn’t very swishy
Though it’s a little meta
We got another betta
His blue is almost neon
I think we’ll call him Theon

150116

150116
Say big hawk three times fast

Red Hawk, Red Hawk in the sky
Can you see me with your eye?
As you sit atop the tree
Do you even notice me?
When you dive to catch a mouse
Can you see me in my house?
Mr. Hawk I don’t know why
But I really want to fly

150114

150114
My new cover letter

The stupid here is off the chart
They are so dumb it hurts my smart
I ask my friends both far and near
Please help me find a new career

150112

150112
Catch as cat can

Chasing cats isn’t fun
Run Linc Run
I might burn in this sun
Run Sean Run
He won’t stop till he’s done
Run Linc Run
I catch him, so I’ve won
Run Sean Run

150109

150109
Running around the desert together

That magic night five years ago
When my wolf pack began to grow
Went to the top of the Horseshoe
You pledged to me, I pledged to you
We’re back again, top of Fremont
I say to you so nonchalant
Let’s do that thing we can’t abstain
Looking for strippers and cocaine

150107

150107
Je suis Charlie

If what they write makes you snarly
Go outside and ride a Harley
Because to me, they aren’t gnarly
That’s why I will stand with Charlie

150105

150105
Still time to be resolute

The lights are gone, the tree is down
Can’t spend the day in a nightgown
It’s back to the same old routine
Unless you’re a king or a queen
It’s back to work or back to school
No more time to act like a fool
Get off the couch, put down the beer
Let’s exercise in the new year!

150102

150102
Down with people

I’m getting old, this is a sign
People are a pet peeve of mine
I don’t like when they are in groups
I don’t like when they sit on stoops
I don’t like when they’re all alone
I don’t like when they wear cologne
I don’t like when they talk too much
I don’t like when they try to touch
I don’t like when they drive too fast
I don’t like when their girth is vast
I don’t like when they will not leave
That’s why people are my pet peeve

141231

141231
Let’s do better in 2015!

The year comes to its fated end
A good night to spend with a friend
As you plan your resolution
Consider your contribution
Stop drinking beer, and cut your hair
Lose twenty pounds, I just don’t care
Those goals are nice but selfish too
Do something that’s not just for you
Share the planet, and save the bees
Pledge your money to cure disease
Eat local foods, and plant a tree
Don’t fight too much, try to agree
Make your city a better place
Do something for the human race
What will I do to save the Earth?
I’ll cover it with smiles and mirth
As we bid this year adieu
Do as I say, not as I do

141229

141229
Taste the fur covered rainbow

I do my best to be discreet
Unless it deals with things to eat
I’ve hit a low that won’t be beat
By eating skittles off a seat

141225

141225
Merry Christmas from sunny California

I gave myself a gift this year
I didn’t drink a keg of beer
I didn’t buy a box of games
I didn’t dance with dusky dames
I didn’t buy a brand new car
I didn’t travel to a star
I didn’t buy a motorbike
I gave myself a Christmas hike

141223

141223
Don’t rain blows upon him

Christmas Eve Eve is Festivus
Party time for the rest of us
If you’re with thousands at the mall
Trying to find your son a doll
Those feats of strength would cause despair
You would have grievances to air
Don’t worry ’bout that lump of coal
Just do like us and raise the pole