Category: Ridiculous Rhymes

150525

150525
We got our ya-ya’s out

We saw the Stones at Petco Park
The opener was Gary Clark
Our souvenirs took all our cash
They started with Jumping Jack Flash
All Down the Line and Moonlight Mile
Honky Tonk Women made us smile
Mick left the stage for some Keith fun
He played Before They Make Me Run
Lisa shined on Gimme Shelter
Lovely voice that nature dealt her
Their Sympathy for the Devil
Took us to a higher level
Brown Sugar before the fake end
Wish they played Waiting on a Friend
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
Mick and the boys look so damn gaunt
Satisfaction closed the concert
Time to purchase a bootleg shirt
The Rolling Stones proved they still rock
Even though they’re as old as Bach

150520

150520
Top 10 reasons we’re sad

10. No more lists that go to ten
9. No more Regis on again
8. No more banter with ol’ Paul
7. No more velcro on the wall
6. No more reading viewer mail
5. No more Paris out of jail
4. No more stupid human tricks
3. No more flipping cards like bricks
2. No more will I stay up late
1. Goodbye Dave, you’re more than great!

150518

150518
Why is GoT so rapey?

I’ll still watch you Game of Thrones
Though you chill me to my bones
Biggest question with this show
Why do you hate women so?
Sand snakes aren’t as good as guys
They should fight someone their size
Arya beaten with a rod
Queen is jailed by the god squad
She can’t even help her bro
‘Cause they say he’s a big ‘mo
Poor Sansa should have escaped
Not all women should be raped

150427

150427
Does my life make you jelli?

While eating toast and jelly
I got from a new deli
I turn on our old telly
And watch Michael and Kelly
Then noises in my belly
Squeak out and are real smelly

150408

150408
Don’t mess with Brownie

Took the dogs out for a walk
Didn’t get around the block
Stupid dogs a few doors down
Charged at Brownie – made him frown
So he opened up his maw
And he smacked them with his paw
Sent them off with one last growl
Raven joined in with a howl
Tomorrow we’ll try once more
Hope their parents lock the door

150406

150406
No train no gain

Brownie likes to chew on stuff
But we feel he’s chewed enough
I’ll distract him with a bone
So he won’t destroy my phone
When I put away my shoe
He’ll have one less thing to chew
When I put away my socks
He may start to chew on rocks
If he doesn’t chew our sheets
He will get a walk and treats
If we train him to obey
He will get a walk each day

150401

150401
A hot foot is a cold caper

Here are some rules
For April Fools
Know who to jape
Don’t scare an ape
Know what to joke
No death or stroke
Know where to prank
Don’t kid a bank
Know why to fool
Don’t be a tool
Know how to trick
Master the slick
Know when to jest
You’ll be the best

150330

150330
I ain’t goin’ anywhere tbh

I ain’t goin’ to Havana
Unless I’m wearing armor plate
I ain’t goin’ to Montana
I’d rather sun burn in Kuwait
I ain’t goin’ to Savannah
I’d sooner avoid the whole state
I’m skipping Louisiana
Unless I need to urinate
Not goin’ to Indiana
They need to learn to tolerate
They are not Americana
Unless you think it’s good to hate

150327

150327
An excerpt from my upcoming musical Oklahomeless

SEAN
I did it
I really did it
I had a thing to do, and then I did it
CHORUS
He did it
He barely did it
At first it didn’t work, but then he did it
JEAN
Sean did it
Sean finally did it
He barely slept at all, but then he did it
CHORUS
He did it
He fucking did it
It took about a month, but then he did it

150323

150323
I am sooo chip faced

The bag of chips has a face
It’s a nacho cheese disgrace
The brain child of a nut case
Head is full of empty space
Easy target for your mace
An image you can’t erase
Worst thing in the human race

150320

150320
That weed is high

Here’s the world’s largest weed
Sprouted up from a seed
It’s taller than a bus
Bigger than both of us
There it is in our yard
Tried to burn, only charred
Some poison we did spray
Still it stands here today
Then we both tried to dig
But the roots were too big
So we said, “Let it live
For the shade it will give.
It might be just a weed,
But it’s best of it’s breed.”

150318

150318
Don’t be misled there’s always bed

I think I’ll just go back to bed
Wind blew the hat off of my head
My jeans don’t fit ’cause I’m too fat
My only friend’s a one-eyed cat
I found a bug in my sandwich
I drove my car into a ditch
I owe way more than I can pay
I got shit on by a blue jay
My job is slowly killing me
It sometimes hurts when I go pee
My doctor says I’ll soon be dead
I think I’ll just go back to bed

150316

150316
Ya gotta love yourself

Put your hand
On your gland
Stretch it like a rubber band
When it’s out
Give a shout
Got to shake it all about
Now you’re done
With your fun
Put away that flaccid gun

150313

150313
SQL can suck it!

Dead end, dead end, dead end, dead end
No matter how much time I spend
I just can’t find a way to mend
This broken web site for a friend
I think I’ve gone around the bend
Dead end, dead end, dead end, dead end

150311

150311
What’s this wet stuff?

Drizzle isn’t really rain
Not enough to fill the drain
Sprinkling doesn’t really count
Comes in such a small amount
When it pours it’s way too much
Overflows the curb and such
Not a drought and not a flood
But sufficient to make mud
That’s the rain we really need
Just enough to grow a seed

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