Tag: Poo

160729

160729
My asterisk is on fire

You should trust me when I say
It’s good to have a bidet
When you go to eat buffet
On colonoscopy day

I know what I’m gonna do
I will make an epic poo
I will eat a ton of fruit
Let it brew until I toot
Then go sit upon my throne
And whip out my ol’ iPhone
Push until it hurts my hole
Push until it fills the bowl
Though I have an aching ass
Epic turds like this are class

160617

160617
Let’s make America brown again

I ate too much, my pants are tight
I know I have to take a dump
I’m pushing hard, with all my might
But all I made was Donald Trump

160601

160601
‪#‎RainbowPoo‬ ‪#‎LGBTPrideMonth‬

I’m an LGBT ally
We won’t back down, we will not hide
Until the first day of July
It’s time for LGBT pride
If gay marriage makes you feel sad
Just think about how they must feel
It’s not a choice, it’s not a fad
The way they love is very real
If bathrooms cause you untold fears
I hope to change your point of view
Trans people, gays, and even queers
Use toilets just to pee and poo

160513

160513
What can brown do for you?

Something big is on the way
Hopefully it comes today
I’ve been planning for a while
Thinking ’bout it makes me smile
It’s arrival is not swift
Do not want to rush this gift
Trying not to strain or push
‘Cause I have a touchy tush

160502

160502
I should masticate more

If you are squeamish, I must warn
I’m going to write about poo corn
It’s always there, it never leaves
Just seeing it gives me dry heaves
I’m not a dope, I’m not a fool
I don’t know why corn stays in stool
It starts it’s life grown on an ear
And ends up coming our your rear

160323

160323
Their neighbors want to move to Venice

There once was a woman from Ennis
Who married a farmer named Dennis
They raised lambs and sows
Goats, chickens and cows
The smell was a real fucking menace

151123

151123
#2 team in L.A.

Tommy Trojan went to town
A-riding in his beamer
Stopped off for a chili dog
But got a Cleveland Steamer
Tommy Trojan kept it up,
Thanks to his nose candy
Afterwards he got locked up
And had to give a handy

151019

151019
#2 beats ROY G BIV

In dankest night, in shit’s domain
No nostril can avoid my pain
If you can’t flush me down the drain
I’ll leave my mark – Brown Lantern’s Stain!

151016

151016
No shit? No shit!

Here I sit
Tried to shit
But only made a toot
Hear a shush
So I flush
And out of there I scoot

151014

151014
Plus Diet Mt. Dew

I love Taco Bell
Much better than Del
The tacos are swell
Burritos as well
On one thing I dwell
It makes my poo smell
Ninth circle of hell
I hate Taco Bell

150904

150904
#2 favorite republican

There’s no more paper on the roll
But I still have to clean my hole
I can’t find any ‘neath the sink
The stench in here it’s hard to think
I see a rag we never use
The stain it leaves looks like Ted Cruz
Vanilla Glade I freely spray
I think I’ll sell it on eBay

150727

150727
Mötley scrüed Paso Robles

The Mid-State fair had Mötley Crüe
Nikki, Tommy, Mick and Vince too
They gave us all the Paso screw
Three hours late ’twas sad, but true
The band was fine, but through and through
Vince Neil’s voice sounded like poo
When asked to sing I yelled a boo
With peace and love here’s my FUCK YOU!

150126

150126
No shit?

Here are some facts you never knew
About the act called number two
The first point is a little crude
But crap is mostly not old food
Eat at the cafeteria
And then you make bacteria
Because the way it’s broken down
Dead red blood cells turn feces brown
Our GI tracts are so complex
Our colons differ for each sex
A good turd is a log that sinks
I think it’s one that barely stinks
Plant cellulose is good for you
It’s why you see corn in doodoo
We carnivores may have a gripe
‘Cause Vegetarians don’t wipe
Newborn doodie is quite bizarre
It’s odorless and looks like tar
The weirdest thing they do with poo
Is when they put it inside you
This can repair your GI tract
Good shit saves lives and that’s a fact!

141219

141219
Gotta take a Kim Jung-Un

When I think of my Sweetie Pea
It’s like I’m on a tranquil sea
When I think of the holidays
My wallet needs a big fat raise
When I think of my dearest friends
To me they prove that they’re all tens
When I think of North Korea
I suffer from diarrhea

141205

141205
Read in Morgan Freeman’s voice

You feel it in your heart
You feel it in your feet
You really need to fart
Afraid you’ll stain the sheet
You take a breath of air
And clench your muscles tight
You squeeze it out with care
But hold with all your might
It makes a squelching blast
Your heart is filled with dread
You let it out too fast
You’ve gone and shit the bed

141003

141003
Malodorous vomit pancakes

It’s so fucking hot
And the Angels lost again
Eat a bag of shit!

140809

140809
Blame it on the guy before

Have you ever smelled a smell
Like some demon dark and fell?
Did a vulture die in here?
This might linger for a year
Like an abattoir of death
Worse than garlic, onion breath
I think it was chorizo
That made the bathroom smell so

140607

140607
Made you look!

When you try to take a poo
And you make exactly two
You have made the perfect deuce
They’re not easy to produce

140211

140211
Number one with a bullet

When making number two
There is no guarantee
I want to make a poo
But all I do is pee
I give it all I got
And try with all my heart
But squatting on the pot
The most I do is fart

0908

0908
Talk about sudden death

American Football
By Harold Pinter

Hallelujah!
It works.
We blew the shit out of them.

We blew the shit right back up their own ass
And out their fucking ears.

It works.
We blew the shit out of them.
They suffocated in their own shit!

Hallelujah.
Praise the Lord for all good things.

We blew them into fucking shit.
They are eating it.

Praise the Lord for all good things.

We blew their balls into shards of dust,
Into shards of fucking dust.

We did it.

Now I want you to come over here and kiss me on the mouth.

0405

0405
Perhaps too silly

Writing while drunk is an art
Something something something fart
This one’s sure to be a hit
Something something something shit
Schlitz and grits and shits and tits
Makes it hard to use your wits

0115

0115
Like it’s never happened to you

If you can’t trust a fart
Be prepared for a shart
Give your ass cheeks a squeeze
Or find fudge in undies
To the bathroom you streak
To prevent a brown leak
You leap onto the bowl
And applaud your control